To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

Of course some human beings are ‘better’ than others, OP. It’s ridiculous to think otherwise. Some people manipulate, deceive, rob, maim, and kill. Others work for the betterment of all, create beautiful work, are peaceful, generous, honest, kind and altruistic.

This has nothing to do with why your ex left you for someone else.

Better in what way? You would have to define that. All human beings have worth.

You are talking extremes criminals versus good people. In general terms everyone has good points, one person may contribute by doing great works of charity whilst another focuses on their work and caring for their children. Both contribute in different ways. No one way is "better" than another.

For God’s sake, OP, you’re emerging as somewhat crazed now. Of course some ways of living are better than others.

Lol "Crazed"?

What I see in this thread are several bitchy spiteful insecure women who feel the need to put others down in order to puff themselves up.

Nothing in what I have just said in my previous post is remotely crazed. Try harder.

Op i dont think there is any reasoning with you. I and many many other posters have given advice but the its actually you think you are ugly because you are not over your ex leaving you for someone else.

Its going to destroy you if you don't deal with it.

You can’t resonate with this poster or troll as I’m thinking she is. She’s that bitter she can’t accept she needs help. She still thinks her ex will come back sadly it’s obvious.

I'm sorry, what??? The only bitchy, spiteful, insecure woman on this thread is you. There honestly is no hope for you, you won't listen to any good advice, and as I've already said, your attitude is going to be a real turn off to any potential mate. Maybe look around at various long term happy couples instead of looking inwards all the time (I know, I'm wasting my time here).

@KHMP1971 you probably shouldn't have posted here as its quite hard going at times if you are feeling vulnerable.

I do see your point a bit as I have a friend who isn't super attractive and its affected her her whole life. I think a couple of negative comments early on have stuck with her so she's never really had a long term relationship or kids. Partners who have openly said they wanted a more beautiful gf. Now that shes older, its slim pickings with dating. I think all you can do is focus on yourself and boosting your self esteem. Because that does shine.

@KHMP1971 I am sorry to read your posts and that you’re struggling.

My best friend is conventionally unattractive. I say this as someone who has talked with her about looks over the years, and have seen her self esteem at rock bottom. She is a peculiar shape, has flat, wide feet and crooked teeth that show a lot of gums when she smiles which worries her so she rarely smiles. It has broken my heart to see how she has been treated or ignored by men over the years because she is the most lovely person.
She used to cry with loneliness and get rejected time and time again. It stings, and it hurt those of us who love her.
One day, totally at random and in Argos of all places, she met a man who fell for her. He loves her smile, and she smiles more. She jokes he must have face blindness to her features, but he adores her as much as those that know her do. Online dating is not good for mental health. I don’t know the answer for you, but all is not hopeless - even when it feels like it is, and that probably is the worst time to go on OLD.
I wish you peace in yourself, and the opportunities in the future to find someone who will love and adore you. You deserve better, and I hope you find it.

Thankyou. Yes I can see there are some unpleasant characters on here. I can see it was a mistake to post here. I am grateful for the kind and thoughtful comments I've received.

Are you serious? You are literally making this shit up now!

No I don't "think he will come back". I haven't said anything of the sort neither is it "obvious" other than jn your nasty twisted mind.

But whats more even in the billion to one chance that he did I know that I would have to say no and walk away because after what he did and the pain it has caused to me I could never trust him again.

I did not deserve what he did. And I value myself too much to ever put myself in that situation again.

Sorry to shatter your narrative.

I've said nothing spiteful or bitchy. Go and look in the mirror.

I have been on my own for 25 yrs since my divorce, 63,life is ok, with loving cat, friends and family, 1 estranged son, his choice.
He’s 34, high functioning Asperger’s.
Mid stage Parkinson’s at 63, life can be hard, achy, no cure, i battle on

That's a lovely story and I'm glad your friend found someone. I hope he does love her for who she is. I did for a long time think that kind of "soul love' was possible where looks didn't really matter. I even dared to think I had it with my ex although I now see that wasn't the case. Although it is heartening to hear that some people seem to have found it.

I don't really expect to find anyone now or sometimes even want to. I haven't met anyone I found interesting or attractive even since him and honestly at my age most men are married so I think the chances are vanishingly slim now. Dating apps were a rather hopeless experience although I was very half hearted about them. I definitely don't feel they are helpful for me at all.

If you want the change then be the change

Wake up in the morning and make an effort to think positively about your self even if it's just a couple of small things to start with ( not relating to looks!)

Get out and exercise for the endorphins and start working on your self and how you can feel better

How can you meet someone and expect them to love you when you don't love yourself

Also looks are not everything - speaking from someone with a big nose, ( who is happily married with a child so it can be done!) if anyone ever made a comment I genuinely used to think at least I could get a nose job but you can't change a shit personality!

Also confidence is attractive, so even if you know you are not the prettiest person in the world, own it and be happy with yourself.

Also, I'm not surprised your ex cut contact, no new partner would want the ex floating about. It's time to forget him and move on to some one who values you

I wholeheartedly agree.

Than you for posting that 💗

In terms of society, no of course not. In terms of a wife for him, then yes she is, she is more compatible with him, she is worth more to him, so for him, she is better, just like my husband is better for me than any ex. Simply as we mesh better. For your ex, yes there was something lacking in his relationship with you. The chemistry, the compatibility, the meshing together. Not your looks. Something was lacking and he has found someone it is not lacking with, and married them.

but again, you won’t move on from for you this is all about the very shaloow view it is about looks, so I feel it’s all rather pointless.i would expect any 54 year old woman to understand fully that looks attract, but personality is why they stay, but you won’t accept it.

im sorry to say the way you’ve dug your heels in, won’t engage other than to contuniously go on about pretty blondes, your complete lack of understanding on what is required to make a relationship work, is giving everyone a very clear understanding of why you struggle with relationships. You can reject that, continue to decide it’s about looks, and stay single and butt hurt forever, getting more and more bitter, or you can take it on board, and get help.

Agree. OP - please get off here and get help.

She's not better than you, but she's better for him than you. TBH he doesn't sound like a catch. Why do you pine for a man who cheated on you?

I am objectively attractive and hasn’t equated to love either. More lust. There is no way to win this game but it starts with loving yourself.

And I have said that I do understand that looks attract and personality is why they stay. Read what I said before you go off.

But if you don't have the looks in the first place? This is the problem.

And I very much suspect that what was lacking with me was physical attraction as we were very close and well.suited in all other ways. But physically he was never impressed by me.

That's what this post has been about. Not him specifically. You just haven't taken the time to really read about it as you have your own axe to grind and quite frankly you reek of insecurity but that's another story.

As for whether I need "help" that's none of your business. Don't pretend you are concerned. You're using "get help" jn the usual belittling "you're unstable" way that people do when trying to put someone down. I appreciate I am feeling quite depressed and will look for NHS counselling in the new year, not that that is any of your business. You don't know me and one post on mumsnet is not any way to diagnose me. I am very far from "unstable" but I will argue back with patronising arrogant or unkind people. Always.

Now go and spend some time with this husband who thinks you're so wonderful rather than bitching at strangers online.

I dont have good self esteem myself but blimey, some of the stuff the OP has come up on this thread...

ALL men only care about looks and only go for "sexy blondes"

Charlotte Gainsborough unattractive 🤣

And I can only take so much of the "chocolate box, blonde, blue eyes, dainty, hot, gorgeous wife" comparisons.

If that man left you purely for the sake of looks and previously cheated, do you really think he is the ONE for you?

No obviously he isn't "the one for me'
" as he left for someone else. I have repeatedly stated this and acquiesced that he's not coming back (and he would be sent away if he did).

The pain of what happened and missing him is a separate issue. The two can coexist.

As I've said before I have described a pattern in my life.

And getting to 54 without ever having a man truly fall in love with me or find me attractive, never having mutual love whilst having received a great deal of negativity around my looks would possibly suggest that this is not just about him but about a lifelong pattern. One which has left me feeling very sad that I never had that experience of meeting The One who also thought i was The One and that I'm alone and probably unlikely to meet anyone else.

I'm really confused as to how people aren't understanding this. You can say that men have varied tastes and dont just like pretty or blonde women all you like but that has NOT been my experience.

I have described my experience and if you took the trouble to actually read what I have said you'd see that.

I'm not sure what exactly you want to hear that will make you feel better OP.
If its that life is unfair because the prettier you are the more men will be initially interested in you because you'll have a bigger pool of potential men to select from? If so, yes. That is indeed true, and an unfairness of life, just as being born to a wealthy family or with a talent or high IQ is 'unfair'.
If you're asking if it's unreasonable to feel sad about that, then no, it is a shame that less conventionally attractive women may have fewer options. But by the age of 54, we typically understand and accept it.
Is it agreement that relationships fail because of appearance? Because if so, this is where you lose people. Because most of our experience is that it's other factors that make relationships last, like compatibility.
You have had two relationships fail and believe the failure was solely due to your appearance. It seems to me you are failing to take other factors into account, such as your second ex leaving for a much younger woman, which sadly some men will do on age alone given half a chance.
But even if you're right in your two personal examples, this doesn't make it a pattern of behaviour whereby only attractive women sustain relationships. Many women considered very plain indeed have good relationships, and there is no reason why you should be a special case simply because two men out of the millions you could have met, in your eyes ended things because of your looks.

I haven't read the other comments.
Buy you sound like youre putting your entire worth into relationships with men.
Some men will treat model looking women like sh#t too. Look at all the celebrity women who have been treated lawfully.

My very pretty friend is treated like an object by most men.

And many beautiful women become invisible to men in their 40s/50s. Unfortunately I think people will treat other people like rubbish and you have been on the end of that.

Your birthday sounds good- colleagues who care enough to get you a pressie etc- they clearly value you. Then spending time with your daughter?

What about spending some more time doing things that make you feel good? Whatever that may be? Joining a solo travel group ? Something like that? It would at least fill your time.

Any maybe a little talking therapy? To help you out of this rut.