To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

I don’t think OP cares - it’s just very attention seeking at this point.

Starting to agree with you. Even she acknowledges that she’s wallowing a bit.

I dont talk to people IRL with this mindset. I never even bring these things up in real life conversation. My friends amd colleagues don't even know I feel this way. These are feelings I keep to myself. I am considering NHS therapy if possible to access however. Time is difficult.

OP you’re still mentioning that people must mistakenly believe the new wife is more special. She IS more special - to him. Almost every adult in a long-term, settled relationship or marriage has exes. And in almost every case, the current partner IS more special to them; that’s why they’ve settled down and/or got married. He wasn’t the one for you. That’s not because she came along with her blonde hair and younger face.

You need to speak to your gp. I don’t think you understand how unwell you are. You are utterly trapped by it, and it doesn’t matter how many people say the same thing, you just keep repeating yourself over and over again.

the reason you’re not attracting decent partners and men don’t stay is not due to your looks.

You are the issue no one else. Dye your bloody hair blonde if you’re that obsessed with blondes. Your ex has been with his blonde happy wife for numerous years and they are clearly happy and that’s what you can’t stand. I’m actually not surprised he didn’t commit to you with how you respond. It’s worrying. He won’t come back to you and it’s time to move on. Seek the therapy you need. I really also hope you don’t have a daughter and put your insecurities on her because if you are calling yourself ugly then you are calling your kids too because you birthed them and they will look like you .

Men are out here having sex with vacuum cleaners. Male opinions on your looks are worthless.

Theres nothing wrong with you. The men you were with are just arseholes. Like the majority of them.

Nasty.

I am similar ended an abusive marriage in 2021 after 25 years i am 46 had a relationship in 2022 that last 7 month and nothing since to be honest though i dont think i am unattractive just not approachable i have a resting bitch face which is stern i scare myself at times.
i do have children who are all asd so that takes my time , i would love to find someone who wants to be with me cuddle up and watch movies or go for walks in the rain, every night i end up in my bed room alone watching the laptop, ( i don't even have my children to eat meals with as they hate eating in front of others 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Every poster on this thread is saying the same thing - it's NOT about looks OP. I think @ForZanyAquaViewer said it really well way up thread.

I think you're asking the wrong question here. What you need right now (in my view) to be focusing on, is how to move on from your ex. I am in a similar situation to you - and broke up with someone earlier this year after 7 years together. Unlike you I realised at a point that it was just damaging to me to keep obsessing about him. To think about who he is with now. To talk about him to my (long-suffering) friends. It's like picking a scab. You'll never heal. It's a cliche but you need to practice loving yourself. Because then you won't want to keep putting yourself through the pain of all of this. So stop yourself thinking about her and him. Stop talking about him and her. Don't look at social media.

It doesn't matter why he's with the new woman. He chose her over you, which you seem to find a really hurtful statement. Which I don't understand why - he has chosen someone else. But it doesn't matter why - it doesn't reflect on you - it's probably not even about you. If you had the self-esteem that you so desperately need, you wouldn't be thinking about her blond-ness, her petiteness or any of that. My ex is with someone else too - he moved on super quickly. (I'm considered very attractive by the way.) (although I'm not blonde and maybe she is?!).

And yes, I'd suggest counselling in the longer term, and possibly anti depressants in the shorter term.

And I know she's considered tacky, and American, I also listened to Mel Robbins a fair bit this year - about how to move on, getting over an ex, and loving yourself. Why don't you try it?

im only on page 10 of the replies, so excuse me if someone has already said this, but…

your ‘nice’ ex is not the prize you think he is. He cheated on you twice before running off with someone 10 years younger.

His choice of wife shows he’s probably pretty superficial as well. And this actually demonstrates how it’s just as difficult for conventionally attractive women to find lasting love too. A lot of men just see the tits and blonde hair and overlook the many good qualities.

your ex’s new wife probably has lots of good qualities, but do you think he could name any beyond ‘I want to shag her’ ?

Good god, you’re as messed up as she is.

😂

In one of your replies OP you say something about being pretty enough to attract them initially but not pretty enough for them to stay with long-term (although both seem long relationships of many years).

That just doesn't seem logical to me - looks attract initially, but it will be other things - personality, compatibility- which keep couples together. Like my mum used to say (i am not conventionally attractive), when I worried about my looks as a teenager, I might not get men swarming round, but the ones who show an interest will be really into me - because I'm an interesting person.

I wonder if it's the idea of romance that's a bit skewed. I know someone who wouldn't let her daughters read Jane Austen as teenagers because of the unrealistic romance - and whilst i love JA, I think there is something to that. You wrote about a quick romance (sounds like you're describing infatuation rather than love?), swept off your feet etc but crashing and burning as better than a solid stable relationship- like you want some heady mutual feeling? Honestly I'd cherish what you have, children, choir etc. It's as real as anything else.

Plenty of people find love in their 50s and beyond, and attraction is far more about confidence, warmth and humor than looks. You’ve also experienced things many never do: love, and the huge blessing of children, which not everyone gets.

Looks fade, even celebrities and models get cheated on. What does tend to push people away is ongoing misery, insecurity and self-loathing. That energy is heavy, and it can make even the most attractive person seem unavailable.

Be kind to yourself and stop blaming yourself for what happened. Try to see the positives too: losing a cheater or someone who chose to leave is far better than being stuck with the wrong person forever. When you start rebuilding your confidence and finding happiness within yourself, life and love often open up again.

Thankyou and yes you're right everyone's experience is different. I didn't mean to take away from your lived experience at all although I now realise I did. Your feelings are valid and I'm sorry you're going through this, it sucks. We as women are so much more than our looks but society just doesn't want to let us be that! You are right in that men are mainly motivated by looks when it comes to women. I want 2026 to be the year that I don't give a fuck about men! I hope it can be. Take care and you have a a great Christmas!

Hi OP
I'm not going to belittle your experience because I think you are right. Men are very focused on looks and if you don't have them you are immediately at a disadvantage. That's just the facts and yes it is unfair I know.

I assume you have tried to make yourself as attractive as possible. I mean I do quite regularly see women who have lovely hair, nice figures, dress well etc but facially are actually not that attractive. They do still seem to be able to find partners. Jennifer Anniston is a good example actually - I never thought facially she was that attractive but she obviously has good hair, figure etc

Okay I'm going to tell you my story and I hope it helps you.
I was 'lucky' enough to be born with an attractive face (small nose, high cheekbones, full lips). Also large chest and long legs although a bit of an apple prone shape so always had to watch for putting weight on around my middle. (I'm old, fat and single now by the way so I'm talking about younger me)

So you are thinking wow, that sounds great and I guess it probably did make life easier in some ways without me realising or appreciating it.

However I grew up in a violent, scary, chaotic household with 2 mentally ill parents neither of who loved me (they were not able to love me). I actually went on to have some physical ugliness caused by my childhood - think body scars and teeth that had to be fixed due to sucking my thumb (traumitised) way after my big teeth came in and so this made them squint/buck. I also couldn't have children and whilst I can't say for sure this was due to my childhood I would think it definately contributed.

At school I was a super well behaved child who worked really hard - the goal being to not make anyone angry and to get good qualifications so I could 'escape'

So yes I did get good qualifications and yes I have had quite a few good, decent looking men who loved me and wanted to marry me. I did marry one but got divorced. However my relationships were all doomed and that was down to me.

Men who loved me and were kind, stable etc I couldn't love back as it felt really uncomfortable, odd and I kept waiting for them to start laughing at me and tell me of course they didn't love me. When that didn't happen I would generally start testing them to try and make them leave. I also have issues with being unable to regulate my emotions, anger issues, impulse issues, an eating disorder. So in short I made their lives miserable and eventually they would break up with me or a few who didn't (probably issues of their own) I would break up with. I certainly couldn't love them.

Men who were offhand with me and made me feel unwanted, not good enough I chased around like a lovesick puppy trying to prove to them I was worthy and desperately trying to get them to love me or approve of me or give me attention. These men obviously reminded me of my dad and so I was obviously trying to heal my childhood wounds of having a dad who hated me (yes he did, he told me and it was obvious anyway)

So like you I have never been with anyone who loved me and who I loved back.

Only in middle age did I get help from the NHS and a clinical psychologist has organised me to get therapy shortly. They refuse to give me a diagnosis as they say it is not helpful but a mental health nurse who I had to see prior to getting access to the clinical psychologist thought CPTSD/BPD. I have to say they both make sense as a diagnosis and they often overlap.

So like you I ended up alone. I actually chose to stop dating about 15 years ago as I was either hurting people or being hurt and there didn't seem to be any way to fix it. I knew by then something was 'wrong' with me but it took me ages to get the right help.

I feel angry, sad and full of regrets. I should have had a lovely life with a man who loved me and who I was able to love back. I should have had beautiful children who I loved and cherished. I should have lived a life where I didn't have cripplingly low self esteem, depression, anxiety, OCD, eating disorders, shame.

The shiny package on the outside did not reflect the inside at all.

I met plenty of other women on my travels who I guess would have been considered 'less attractive' but my god they were all so confident, stable, sorted, calm, kind, normal. Each and everyone of these woman had good parents and dads that loved them.

I am not belittling your experience - I just wanted to give you another story of 'suffering' and not finding love despite 'good looks'

One day I will be dead (you know from old age I mean) and I will be at peace. I will no longer look and expect danger at every turn, I won't exhaust myself being hypervigilant, I'll be able to stop worrying.

I try to think I am on this journey/path because it is where I was meant to be. I don't know why. Part of my therapy is to accept the life I have had even if I am not happy about it.

Your post did remind me of a book I enjoyed and I don't know whether it would help you to read it or not. It was 'flavour of the month' by Olivia Goldsmith. I won't spoil it for you but it's about 3 woman and what happens to them. One of them is 'plain' and is left by a man. She gets plastic surgery and is transformed to being beautiful. She gets him to fall in love with the new her (he does not recognise her) and then what happens.
You will certaintly be able to relate to it I think and it might at least validate you if nothing else.

Sorry OP. Life is not fair. We can only ride it out as best we can and one day it will be over. Hugs to you x

It doesn’t matter if you don’t mention it - it will come across in your confidence and the way you speak about yourself and other people. I really would recommend therapy - what you’re experiencing and feeling is far from normal.

You have felt a lot of love just not romantic lovers. You’re not alone and it has little to do with how attractive you are. It is because a lot of men aren’t interested in investing in relationships, there is 1000’s of unattractive people happily married to men who are interested in loving relationships.
A lot of men are naturally selfish and always open to what is next.
There is still plenty of time but also plenty of risks. I’m happily married, if DH died tomorrow or left, I’d genuinely have zero interest to starting again.
Join some of the female meet up groups or local walk and talk. Don’t waste your time waiting on Mr dreamy?

No I was never "pretty enough" to get them. What tends to happen is that some men, especially intelligent introverted ones, like me as I'm well read and they find me interesting to talk to and relatable. Sometimes this evolves into a relationship especially if rhr man is not attractive or not confident himself but he always struggles with lack of physical attraction and excitement (that "in love" feeling) which usually results in sad empty relationships or refusal to commit.

And if a pretty woman becomes available to him (as happened with my ex) and she also happens to possess traits such as being well read, interesting etc, he's gone. It's happened to me several times. My ex was the one I can't get over as of now. I hope I will one day.

I've never attracted anyone through my looks which is why dating apps are hopeless for me. It's always been personality and connection but even then the looks failed me.

Thankyou. I know beauty isn't an instant ticket to romance as I have beautiful friends who've had miserable love lives full of mem who treated them badly or only wanted their looks not them.

But for me it was a road block. Lots of men have liked me as a person found me engaging interesting to talk to several have cared deeply for me. But my ugly face was the missing piece of the puzzle, that one wall I couldn't get over where they couldn't fall in love with me. And those who got the chance of a pretty women discarded me pretty quickly. It's happened many times in my life and the only thing I seemed to lack which would have prevented it was looks.

Making myself more attractive is very difficult. I have strong and unattractive features which don't harmonise. Makeup doesn't help and can make me look drag queen like. Short of cosmetic surgery which I can't afford there isn't a lot that can be done. I try to keep my hair long, wear light makeup and dress in a feminine way (I can't afford to cut my hair or live in jeans and boyish type clothing or I'd literally look like a dude) but it does very little to make men find me attractive. I'm not really sure what else I can try. It's not a case of being overweight etc. It's having small eyes, a big bumpy nose, a long top lip thin lips, long face etc everything is just horrible. I definitely lost the genetic lottery.:(

You’ve got this backward, and I think deep down you know you do, but it’s easier for you to say it’s not my fault, poor me, I’m just not attractive enough.

looks is what attracts a mate. Personality is what makes them fall in love. You even say you know attractive women where there partners have treated them badly, so you know. But it’s so much easier to say woe is me, it’s my genetics, it’s my face, when it’s looks that attractive, its personality they fall in love with.
however I don’t think it matter how many people tell you this, you don’t want to accept it, because its too difficult for you.

No I havent got it backwards.

Both looks and personality are needed to "find love".

Looks alone won't work.
Personality alone won't work.

Yes it's true that mem are attracted by looks and stay for personality and missing one of those ingredients doesn't work.

Ok then. You do not have what it takes to find love. If you insist.

So find other things that make you happy.

What I found hurtful was not the assertion that he chose her over me. That much is obvious.

But the assertion that she was "better" than me. Or that my personality "lacks" something that I need to work on.

She is not "better" than me. Nor will she necessarily make a better wife or partner.

She is admittedly more attractive, younger and more accomplished. Which may well have swayed his attraction to her.

But in terms of worth she is not better. No human being is better than another.