To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

I'm not attractive either. I have two older teenagers and run my own business. I haven't dated for 12 years. I enjoy my life, with friends, my business, hobbies, my dog etc. I don't think a man will ever be interested in me (I'm over 50) and that's ok. Can you fill your life with other things and be content with that?

It's difficult due to money, time etc. I sing in the choir at church and do a few solos but I dont always have the resources for lots of hobbies and such.

But it's not the same. There's a massive part of my life missing i find which hobbies and activities don't fill.

And I worry about the future and being alone.

And the things I never knew bother me. What does mutual love feel like? What does it feel like to fall in love with someone who loves you back and chooses you? Why was this denied me simply because of my genetics? It haunts me. I wonder how my exes new wife feels living the dream I had for 8 years and could never realise because I wasn't pretty or special enough and she was? Does she know how lucky she is? Or is it just normal for her.

Just things like this really. Never knowing mutual love is agony.

Men's standards for love and marriage are impossible for someone like me to reach snd it makes me feel like a lesser woman to.thosewho can meet them.

i doubt it was your looks after 8 years, possibly just the age gap? Dont be so harsh on yourself op. Get yourself out there & meet new friends.

I’m objectively not attractive and I say that with love for myself. However, I did find a husband through mutual interests and shared values. We now raise 3 kids together pretty harmoniously because we get on so well and don’t feel the need to argue about anything.

I think if you put yourself out there, maybe go to a few open mic nights at a local pub or see if there’s any other events you quite fancy, you’ll meet someone who is happy with you as you.

lots of people are not in the 10% of gorgeous folk an manage to love, marry, breed. Embrace your imperfections and get out there!

You are not ugly! Your self esteem is at rock bottom and you really can fake it until you make it. If you think you are not worthy how on earth do you expect someone else to.
This is the perfect opportunity, at the closing of this year, to change everything.
In the new year book a haircut. Explain to the hairdresser how you feel ( do not go blonde though) and let them work with you. You can rediscover yourself very easily.
Go to a make up counter and explain that you need some help. Less is more makeup wise as we mature. Something light, easy to do and just shows you in your best light.
Buy a new outfit, an everyday outfit that makes you feel good. Wear it. Then start to build a new capsule wardrobe of clothes that make you feel good. Vinted is your friend. Try something, if you don’t feel good in it just sell it on.
check your posture
hold your head up
Make 2026 your coming into your own year.
Be brave
Be bold
You can do it Op.

What do you like about yourself?

Love has absolutely nothing to do with looks. If it did, I'd probably never love any of my exes.
But attraction is something which has everything to do with self-esteem. It's true what they say that you have to love yourself first. My former partner was extremely self-conscious and anxious person. He was very difficult to love for that reason. His anxiety spilled into every area of our lives. He could never do anything spontaneous. He would even try to edit how I related to the world (I remember him having a massive freakout over the fact that I don't close curtains in the evening - what if the neighbours see me changing clothes for the night). He was rather joyless, if I am honest.

I also have small eyes, big nose, buck teeth and a massive chin to boot. I have scoliosis and very bad posture. So what? I have so many other qualities which make me lovable. I am smart, caring, adventurous, curious about life. I am a good friend. I have a diverse set of interests. I connect to people through my personality and that's what they fall in live with. Looks? I make a feature out of them through an edgy haircut, bright accessories, quirky dress style, a bit of clever makeup.

As to men having hight standards. Well, so do I and not a lot of middle-aged men are meeting them, to be perfectly honest.

No one is ugly in looks. Only in heart and tongue.

Be kind to yourself OP

Can't be that ugly if you've had 2 long relationships and have children!!! Come on OP, don't give up on true love if you truly believe you've never experienced it!

I think when you learn to love and accept yourself we give off a different kind of aura/presence. Ive certainly started to see that in the last couple of months after leaving an abusive marriage of 12yrs 14 months ago. Ive spent this year working on myself and what makes me happy.

Do you wear make up? I find i feel more confident even if its just tinted moisturiser, blusher and mascara. If you dont wear make up, or even if tou do, can you and dd make a day of going to a dept store or boots etc or even booking make up lesson to learn how to enhance your natural looks. Get a hair make over. Get nails done etc. Feeling bit more polished often helps our self esteem and in turn gives off a different presence.

I don't think the problem is external. Plenty of people that aren't conventionally good looking find love.

From everything you're said, you need to work on you. You are not worthless. You don't need a man to have worth. You need to understand your worth first.

Why would someone choose to partner up with someone who thinks of themselves in those terms? Would you choose to be with a man who didn't see any value in himself outside of being in a relationship?

Start paying attention to all the good stuff you have to offer the world (I guarantee there's loads), seek out ways to feel content or better still happy with what you have. Become the best version of you because you embrace and enjoy life.

I can't guarantee you'll find love, but you'll be happier without it, and you'll be more likely to find it.

And yes, I know it's easy to say. But I speak from experience. I'm not looking for love (I'm a similar age but I'm happily single), but I was just 'going through the motions' for a long time. Now? Life is bloody great.

I’m sorry you feel like this, and YANBU to feel sad after the experiences you’ve had and the arsehole men who’ve treated you like this.
However, this is really your broken and bruised heart speaking isn’t it, as your logical, rational head must know objectively that humans are just created randomly and males and females are equally likely to come out naturally “attractive” or “unattractive” - which is always subjective anyway. So just speaking generally, there will be as many supposedly physically unattractive men as there are women, and in reality we all know there are more unattractive men than there are women, due to the increased pressure on women’s appearance and the resulting industry of ways to beautify women.
There are also plenty of people who genuinely focus on what’s inside a person, not the physical shell - the dickhead men who’ve hurt you sadly weren’t like that though.

So I voted YANBU on that basis - because firstly even if you were unattractive there are unattractive men out there too, secondly there are men who don’t care about the physical appearance, and thirdly there are ways to beautify yourself if you really wanted to.
The main thing in attractiveness and finding love though is probably confidence in yourself and looking after yourself, as in being fit strong and being your own best friend/chanpion, so that you project that energy that attracts people to you, but most importantly, above any question of attractiveness, so that you look after yourself by rejecting dickhead men and only let in the nicest kindest men. Which I know is hard to find, and why so many women choose to stay single, because that makes them happier than staying with horrible men.
I worry about it too, but there are men out there, it’s just hard to find good ones. It’s not about your physical appearance at all, it’s about the men who’ve screwed you over and made you think like that. Don’t let them mess with your head! I bet they’re no oil painting, and I bet they project confidence and assurance despite evidently being utter wankers!! Don’t let them dictate how you feel about yourself, you’re way better than them.

Is it not more likely that your ex wanted to start a family so he married younger himself?

Just by virtue of her youth she will seem more attractive to you but you haven't seen her at your age yet so it's not a fair comparison anyway.

Lastly, and I hope you take this the way I intend because it will sound harsh, there are probably thousands of less attractive men on normal salaries that haven't a hope in hell of pulling some young stunner because they are not particularly attractive themselves (Im thinking the traditional balding, paunch etc that afflicts so many men in their 50's!) that would be more than happy to hold you until the cows come home! Have you been looking at the potential of these guys? Or are you holding out for a supermodel yourself?

OP do you mean someone just passionately falling in-love with you? Excited to see you? I kind of get what you mean, I’m not attractive (married, kids etc) and I do feel settled for sometimes. But I guess very attractive people have their own problems as well.

I know love isn't about looks but its looks which spark romantic love/infatuation which leads to commitment and marriage I feel. My ex (the 7/8 year guy) did love me I beleive but he absolutely refused to commit and I see now that it was not "romantic" love as I didn't spark that due to being.ugly. he literally committed to her within 3 months of meeting her, engaged after a year and married after two but she's an attractive sexy hot blonde which makes the difference.

I haven't seen any middle aged men on dating sites I'd be attracted to either tbh but they're not interested in me so it's a moot point. I only downloaded some apps this year (didn't feel ready until then), had a few half hearted conversations which went nowhere/ghosted, then I gave up and deleted them. I still miss my ex anyway. Every single day.

I have to accept that I'll never be enough for men to truly love.

Ive seen men fall in love with very average women. You are not ‘ugly’. You have very low self esteem and these men feed off this. You need a real confidence boost.
Also side note, lots of men prefer dark hair and eyes so that’s not even a thing). You want your children to see you confident in yourself.

Youre still caught up on your ex and for your children’s sake please get therapy. It’s not healthy.

There are lots of attractive women in their fifties and beyond who are alone in life for a variety of reasons and plenty of conventionally unattractive women who are in loving marriages. You’re putting too much focus on looks. They have an effect, but not as much as you’re giving them credit for.

He stayed with you for 8 years, he really can’t have found you that ugly. I think the age gap played a part, did he want children for example? Also what your ex husband said is just horrible but bitter exes say things like this, it doesn’t mean it’s true.

I don’t think anyone is physically ugly as such. Ugly personalities exist and can be repulsive. Some very aesthetically pleasing people are arseholes and that isn’t attractive. You have a very busy life, I would make this the main focus and if you can find some time for yourself away from it even just once or twice a week to do something nice for yourself then great. Men aren’t the be all and end all.

I think you're looking in the wrong place. Look around at middle aged couples, they are definitely not all objectively attractive, quite the reverse. In the couples I know of our age, there are some notable exceptions but most are absolutely nothing special to look at. Being attractive doesnt seem to be a criteria for getting or staying married, because everyone has their own taste and people will of course settle for someone who is 'attractive enough'; that bar is generally quite low from what I see. I think its the dreams of fairytales and romantic fantasies that hold you back. Could those dreams make you too keen, a bit desperate even? Thats a massive off putter from my experience. Could you work on changing those rose tinted glasses (not realistic) while getting out there a bit? That might do the trick. Appear to care a bit less and dont see a knight in shining armour as the solution?

But your husband had babies with you, he will never have that first time parenting experience with another woman. That’s what love is, shared experiences and companionship through the crazy times life throws at us. I know when I look at my husband I see him going grey and getting hairy ears and I just love him so completely because those things showcase our lives together and all that we have done as a team. That’s what love is, nothing to do with attraction after a time. I know with OLD the first thing you are judged on is looks and that can be really hard, so try and meet someone the old fashioned way… at choir or another hobby.

What do I like about myself?

I don't know. I think I'm intelligent, I have a nice singing voice. I'm devoted to my children. I can do some crafty things and I love animals.

Not sure that's really enough for someone to fall.passionately in love with though.

No, you have to accept that a relationship with your ex is over. That's all you need to accept here.

The rest is just your low self-esteem clouding your judgement. My ex also left me for someone who is a objectively more attractive and at least 10 years younger than me. Does it mean I am unlovable? Does it mean I am ugly? No. It means that my ex is a cheating man--child who at the ripe age of 46 still gets validation from dating younger women. That's all. Nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Consider some counselling. I know you say money is tight but it just may be the best investment you'll ever make. You need some help unravelling why you have these beliefs and how to move forward.

My exhusband was the one I split with in 2017 (not a nice man) who admitted he settled for me through lack of options.

The man I still heartbroken about was the one after him who was a bit younger than me and left me after nearly 8 years to marry The One who was blonde beautiful younger etc.

I'm really sorry that you are feeling lonely and sad. But your focus on your appearance seems like something that you are forcing into the narrative of your life. You have had relationships during your life, like most other women, and sadly they haven't worked out and you are a single mum, like many other women.

Nothing you have said about your appearance makes it reasonable to suggest that looks have been the real issue here. So what if you aren't beautiful? Most people aren't. I'm certainly not , but I wouldn't make that into an important part of the explanation of how my life has turned out.

Also, you talk about romantic love as something that you want from a relationship. Surely you know that a focus on appearance is not what romantic love is all about! If a man was drawn to you primarily on the basis of beauty, it is unlikely that he is going to be ticking all the boxes of romantic fantasy.

And 'fantasy' might be a good word here. You mention your childhood dreams of fairytale love. Are you retreating into unrealistic, storybook images of love, in the face of the messiness and sadness that often accompanies real-life relationships?

If you are not “super hot” but fully capable physically and healthy, consider yourself very lucky. There are people who are neither beautiful , nor healthy and with a disability (me). We all get on with life. Sorry to be blunt here.