To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

I have to accept that I'll never be enough for men to truly love.

Come on, OP! That’s just not true! You’re not ugly - that’s your insecurity speaking. I suspect it’s this time of year that’s making you feel miserable. Put it out of your head and focus on all the good things you do have, eg your DC.

More than that, a person’s worth isn’t measured by whether they have a partner or not. You are still you and still special, unique and precious whether you have a partner or not. I don’t have a partner and haven’t for a few years. Am I ugly? No. Am I unloveable? No - and neither are you!

TBF, I can’t be arsed with a partner at the moment and I’m enjoying the freedom not having one brings, but if you want to find one then join clubs where you’ll meet people with the same interests. Be confident, know that you’re enough and see what the New Year brings.

He was very intelligent and knew a lot about art, literature and philosophy. I was an art student (mature) at the time and we had a lot to talk about. It was always an intellectual union rather than physical. And, eventually, this led to problems. Also, he obviously didn't show his self-conscious side till much later. At the beginning, I just thought he was quirky.

Men are a bit shit op. They have eroded your self confidence. Date a woman instead.

I don’t love has anything to do with looks at all.

I mean, obviously for some the trophy partner who is gorgeous is important. But the vast majority of people are not gorgeous. Just normal looking and who are definitely attractive in some way to some people.

Op, I think you are self pitying a bit here. You need to ok with being alone and enjoy your time and freedom that you do have. Otherwise if you do meet someone you like, you will be desperate to hang onto them at all costs because you hate being alone.

I simply don’t see what is so bad about being single. I am really enjoying it! Three years of singledom. I have had three dates with three different men who bored me so I gave up. And then I found I wasn’t missing out on anything!

Try to embrace it. Rather than fixating on what you think is ‘your’ problem. It isn’t your problem. How you look isn’t a problem at all.

Because those were the only ones who matched with me.

Ok that makes sense. Like me in the past wanting to date some guy for their mind rather than body.
But really I just didn't fancy him. Sometimes setting boundaries as friends only is best for some people if they can't deal with an actual relationship.
Ohh really, I thought maybe you just had a lot of patience.

I have a uni friend (we’re mid 40s now) who is much prettier than most of the rest of our group, including me. She has never had a serious relationship, despite having a great job, lots of interests, good conversation. It’s a mystery to her and to me tbh - like luckily she’s got a great life in other ways but I think she would have liked to have kids.
Point is I’m really not sure it’s about looks. You were clearly attractive enough to get the attention of your ex anyway, which is by your own analysis the moment when looks probably are key.
I think you just got unlucky with two crappy men (let’s face it, your ex is no prize given how he treated you). A browse through Mumsnet shows that happens to lots of gorgeous and smart women. You’re allowed to miss companionship and want to be someone’s big romantic love of course! But I just think it might be helpful to look at it differently as, objectively, a matter of luck rather than something inherently wrong with you.

You've had some good sensible advice on here. Looks definitely aren't everything,look at Donald Trump and his wife! Rupert Murdoch doesn't seem to have any trouble finding younger women, surely it can't be just his money!Look at Kylie Minogue,she's never been married or kept a man, what's wrong with her,is she nasty,needy, horrible to be around?

This is nonsense. Most people aren’t particularly attractive. They still date, pair up, fall in love. People of all shapes and sizes fall in love every day.

You’ve had a couple of long term relationships with men who treated you poorly and clung to them due to poor self esteem (and what sounds like a desperate need for male validation). When these men left you, you decided it was because you were too unattractive to be loved - not because they were arseholes who you should have left long ago.

Men on dating sites do tend to favour younger women. I can’t argue with that. However, online dating is awful for EVERYONE. Literally everyone. Conventionally attractive or not. There’s hundreds (possibly thousands) of threads on here lamenting that fact.

If you want to meet someone, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Get back on the apps, join some groups, do some activities that aren’t singing in your choir. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself because you don’t look like Heidi Klum isn’t going to benefit you in any way.

And please remember that a man ‘picking’ you is not the be all and end all of existence.

Thank you for highlighting that brilliant post as otherwise I would have missed it.

To the OP, I do get where you are coming from. I am 52, busy working long term single mum. I have gone through phases recently where I have left a real sense of loss for not knowing what long term functioning mutually fulfilling together life is with another person. I don’t blame my looks for that, I just never knew it from a point of safety growing up, I was ‘the lost child’ as my father was an alcoholic and my parents’ relationship was volatile. I have poured every waking minute for years into my DC and my job and got along myself. And at some point that gets tiring.

I am seeing someone at the moment who I have to say would not be scoring 10/10 in the looks department, although I like his face because he makes me laugh and he is thoughtful and kind. I am not 10/10 in the looks department either. But I have a deep-seated insecurity that he is going to ghost me when he doesn’t text, that he will judge my life or whatever and find it wanting. I lack 100% the confidence that I am okay as me, because I don’t think I have ever felt that. I don’t know how to fix that other than build up my own life and be fulfilled in the things I want to do as well, and not make it all about having a relationship, and if I can’t fix it, why would I expect a man to? It’s on me to sort one way or the other.

I actually thought about it as my lesbian friends seem to have much more fulfilling relationships which aren't focused on looks. My DD is gay and seems much happier without worrying what boys think of her, she is much more confident than me and truly embraces herself and her quirky style and individuality.

But I realised that I'm really just not attracted to women. Not romantically. I can love them as friends but I can't feel anything more.

I am cursed with my straightness.

That’s quite a lot actually! Id personally see those as wonderful traits. Don’t underestimate the number of men who want someone lovely.

Don’t define yourself by what an angry ex said - they have no reason to tell you how great they thought you were at the start of your relationship and every reason to want to make you feel small. Don’t let him win.
I also think that the older we get, the more it becomes about being a good, thoughtful, hardworking person and showing some self care via grooming, rather than being stunning in a youthful, conventional way.
Without wanting to sound wanky - learn to love yourself before seeing someone else will. Have a very good 2026 x

Look at yourself in the mirror and talk to yourself like you would if you were talking to your daughter.

Get a decent wardrobe, look after yourself and be the best petson you can be.

It sounds like you’ve been unlucky to meet some not particularly nice men who’ve affected your self esteem, but unattractive people can and do find love. If you say you’re unattractive then I’ll believe you but I doubt you’re much more unattractive than the vast majority of people in this country, most people aren’t particularly good-looking. Finding someone attractive romantically is about so much more than their aesthetic appearance, it’s their self-confidence, personality, how they treat you, having things in common.

I get what you are feeling. It’s a story though. One you’ve created yourself. I have done a similar thing to myself. That I am not lovable, men always pick someone else etc. I long for that intense in love experience. What I’ve realised recently is that the narrative we are told about love is nonsense. Read bell hooks book about love. Romantic love is made up. Love is an active word that takes work. It looks nothing like the films. And honestly all those men who don’t want us are not worth our energy.

@KHMP1971 you've just found it easier to blame your looks than admit its just life. Im overweight but im attractive and successful yet havent had a decent partner in years. I used to feel low about it, and still do, but its out of my control. Its not looks, its timing and life! I did meet someone who is was mad about, and vice versa, and it was intoxicating, but that didn't work out because we had different life goals. My point is, even if you found that feeling, it still may not work.

Both my exes married this year, neither married a partner with jobs or that great looking.

My best friend is stunning and has had that mad passionate love, and been married twice. Yet both husbands have hit her and cheated, now divorced. She still gets attention but only men who want sex.

Weirdly my happiest couple friends are gay, two women, then two men.

I’m sorry you feel that way - sending hugs.

It seems you’ve never been properly alone. Looking at the timeline you provide, you’ve been mostly married and then straight into a relationship after marriage.

While you’re looking for love and approval from other people, it’s you that needs to love yourself. Nobody will ever love you like you love yourself, your relationship with yourself sounds like the one that needs fixing.

Most people aren’t physically outstanding specimens - just look around. Meeting certain physical criteria doesn’t make you ‘worthy of love’.

I used to be a model, my boyfriend has been a model most his 20s and 30s. We don’t get ‘chosen’ either. We have different challenges in love, eg people wanting to be with us for status/ to show off, not really being interested in who we are, not really bonding with us/ loving us.

I’ve been single for a number of years, my mum was single roughly from your age. At the beginning it seems hard. But ride the wave and you can build a wonderful relationship with yourself. One where you really take care of yourself physically and mentally, have personal goals to be a better person and contributing member of society, be present for your kids, listen to your body and mind and do things to keep them in top form, friends, a nice social life.

Try this. Finding happiness and fulfilment this way is much more realistic than expecting a man to provide it. Besides, if you put all your energy in a relationship, what’s left for you, your kids, your 2 jobs?

My mum’s older now and living a happy life full of travel, joy, friends, hobbies. One thing she says is that she’s so happy she doesn’t have a husband/ partner, as especially at an older age they need care and management more than anything. So unless it’s someone you truly cherish and love, in terms of day to day at 70+, life might be easier without

🖕, I bet you, you are not half as "ugly" as you think! Your saelf esteem is at rock bottom. The only way is up.
Get yourself a makeover
Xx

This.

Get off the pity potty woman (in the kindest possible way).

Some women have reached their 50's and don't even have kids. Be thankful for what you DO have.

You sound like a lovely lady with a LOT to offer. Hoping the new year brings you what you need 💐

I get what you mean. I had no luck w boys as a teen really (a few dalliances but no proper relationship even though I was giving out vibes of being ‘on the market’ so to speak).

Then I met DH in my early 20s and we’re still together in our 50s. Neither of us are oil paintings- we talked about that very early on - I still think I’m ugly (I wouldn’t even say unattractive as I have some attractive features - nice hair, eyes, smile, figure even now - but the face as a whole is bad ).

Maybe if I felt more confident as a young woman I would’ve looked around more but I sort of knew it was dh or nothing - no shade on DH but when we had a rocky time we didn’t split partly because I knew I wouldn’t find better. Thankfully it has worked, we had two children etc.

if something happened to Dh tmw I’d not look for another partner actively now and wouldn’t be bothered. I also don’t have family apart from DCs and some cousins who don’t live in the uk.

I wonder why your recent exes new blond pretty wife wanted him to cut contact with you… she clearly felt threatened by something.
I agree with so many other replies - this is a self esteem thing. How lovely that you have a great voice and can sing. I think if you look at yourself there are other things. Skin, hair, teeth? I wish my teeth were whiter, I wish my nose didn’t always look red but my hair always looks shiny and well cut. That makes me feel confident.
Have you ever watched Queer Eye? I always feel uplifted seeing the transformations.

OP some of the friends and couples I know who are the most full of love for others and each other are not what I'd regard as 'conventionally attractive' I accept that being attractive might make it easier to charm people and spark romantic interest but this is the superficial side of love. It sounds like you need to get out there and spend some time on yourself and work on building your confidence. The rest will hopefully follow.

I think it sounds more impressive than it is. It's a very small choir maybe 15 or so depending on who's available. And I'm not the best singer. There is a Polish woman who studied at a Polish conservatoire and sings classical soprano repertoire - she's amazing. And another young woman who graduated in voice from a conservatoire. They're much better than me and are the usual soloists.

But the Polish lady is singing elsewhere om Christmas Day and the young lady has just got married and will be spending Christmas Day with her in laws so they asked me. Christmas is always quiet for me as I have no extended family and DS and DD are going to their dad and his partner for Christmas Dinner this year so it will give me something to do other than being sorry for myself and ruminating over how it's my second Christmas without the man who left me (which I already am doing).

His new wife is a semi professional singer who graduated in music, is a church music director and had recorded an album (she's superwoman basically) so naturally I compare myself to her. She has a YouTube channel with lots of followers and indeed is much better than me. What I'm singing isn't even very technical or fancy.

But it's nice and a nice opportunity to do something. I've bought a nice Burgundy velvet dress to wear.

But honestly it's not impressive and my talent isn't stand out.