To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

I feel so sad reading your posts, where you so clearly tie your worth to how attractive men find you. You described yourself as intelligent, loving and artistic. You sound lovely, and entirely worthy of love, you just haven’t met a man worthy of you. You won’t believe me, I’m a stranger, but please spend some time on yourself and learning to value yourself. Our most important and longest lasting relationship is with ourselves. Wishing you a Merry Christmas, and if love is what you want I hope 2026 brings someone worthy who will look at you with the adoration you deserve.

You are being ridiculous. There are loads of people who wouldn't be considered physically attractive who are married or in long term relationships. Just look at the couples walking around the supermarket.

I've seen people who are verging on the physically grotesque (male and female) in couples.

I'm not even sure what "move on" means at this point. He left me two and half years ago and cut all contact 18 months ago and is married now. I'm well aware he's gone. It's been deeply traumatic and heartbreaking. I've tried my best to survive. I haven't met anyone else. I reluctantly downloaded a few apps but deleted them after a few half hearted upsetting conversations with men I didn't fancy who clearly didn't fancy me. I'm existing and doing what I need to do.

The missing him is involuntary. I can't really help it. I carry on with it. Its like trying to walk with an injured leg. The pain is always there but you learn to cope over time and it eases but never totally goes.

I'm not sure what else I should be doing to "move on". I always find that phrase is snapped out dismissively by people who dont want to be inconvenienced by someone else's pain..

I am quite pretty (I have been told) and have been attractive to men, but in all of my 3 long term I have been cheated on. These men told me they loved me but none of them wanted to commit to me by getting married. Luckily I managed to have children anyway, otherwise I would feel very regretful today for being in relationships with these men.

I blame myself for not choosing men who were kind & reliable and would be good long term partners. I fell in love with these men and believed their stories and ignored the red flags. I just wanted to be loved, and my lack of self-worth led me to choose men who would take advantage of that.

Now I try to support my dd in having the self-worth I didn’t and enjoying my single life. I have given up on relationships, at least for the forseeable future as I don’t seem to be able to choose men who treat me well.

Just saying this OP as I don’t think it is about how attractive you are, it is about choosing to be with the right person who treats you well - and crucially expecting and requiring this in a relationship. I think you too have chosen men who didn’t love you due to your low self-worth and I am sorry for the cruel things your ex has said.

The only difference between me and his now-wife are age (she's younger) and looks (she's significantly more attractive).

The only difference? Don’t be daft. You’re not the same person with different looks and ages, are you? Perhaps they just get on better. (Perhaps she’s not fixated on looks, which must get tiresome).

You need to work on yourself. I bet some counselling would help you.

Thankyou so much. Your kind words mean a lot to me :) Merry Christmas to you too.

Not read all the replies, but you don't need others to validate your beauty. Learn to love yourself for exactly who you are, warts n all, we have this one moment under the sun, bask in it and you'll find love.

Ffs are looks/men the sole reason for living our lives ?
You have your children, which is more than many people do. Id shut that chapter of Disney bollocks and do what makes you happy

Where have I said I'm "obsessed with looks"? I'm not sure where you got that conclusion. I was referring to my own life and how my not being physically attractive has made it harder. I did not say i am obsessed with looks or other peoples' looks.

I think you are focused on the wrong thing.

'They kind of gave off the air of being slightly miffed that they were having to talk to me because the pretty 40 year old blonde woman who they really liked hadn't replied to them'

How could you possibly have come to this conclusion from a few messages on a dating site? Lot's of people, men and women use abbreviations when they message people. Especially on dating sites where it is more than likely you could end up sending lots of messages, you have interpreted that as disinterest. They were talking to you! They could have swiped left/right and not spoken to you at all if they thought you were ugly!

You sound determined to prove yourself right but will that make you happy?

Indeed I hate being seen as not having lived a proper life yet as ive not had a long term partner/ got married.
People that use the phrase on their own for said years.. as though on own is soo negative.
Im seen as weird and sad by my own family as not with anyone and no children.
Im nearly 40. So I guess my life is about to be over..

Men don't fall in love on looks. They only sleep with pretty women until they get bored. And superficial physical attraction is a bad basis for long-term relationships anyway, because people change so much physically in ten or twenty years.

It sounds like some men find you attractive and you've been unlucky in only ending up in relationships with bad ones.

I am only writing about my own here.

My husband is not the most attractive man I have ever dated. On Date 1- I thought he was a nice man and interesting and not an axe murderer. A few Dates in I was smitten, fancied the pants off him (and this has never changed). In terms of a relationship out of everyone in the world he is my person, I love him and adore him and I only want a relationship with him. He is the one that gives me butterflies.

I don’t want to be mean but your self-pitying vibe is quite strong and can’t be attractive. Can you get some counselling and work on seeing the positives - both in yourself and life in general? Spend time with those less fortunate than you and you’ll learn to see the bright side in everything.

I sing in my church choir. There aren't any single men (other than a few 20 somethings) but I do it for enjoyment. I'm doing a solo on Christmas Day.

Stop picking men who care more about the looks than the person. Do you find a clever, funny, kind but conventionally considered ‘ugly’ man attractive? I’m no oil painting at all and neither is my dh but we find each other glorious.

My first dh cared more for looks - I chose badly. So did he for what he ultimately wanted. Didn’t make me unlovable, just not for him.

You too got unlucky or picked the wrong type of man. Please stop this damaging talk about less attractive people not being loved. It’s very harmful to you and others. Definitely don’t talk like this near your children or their friends!

Honestly, what is wrong with society when this kind of crap is perpetuated as fact.

First of all how do you know any of this details about who else they are talking to, that the blond didn't reply and theat they ghosted you because she did? You don't. You invented this in your head.
Secondly, why are you talking to men you are not interested in talking to?

Absolutely every word of this.

OP you’ve been unlucky, but it’s not “your looks”. You’re hardly describing the hunchback of notre dame! And blonde hair and big lips are only one sort of attractive.

My mum is very attractive and was very unlucky in love. A fiancé left her, her first husband treated her badly, as did her second. She got into her 50s without ever having a fulfilling, loving relationship. She swore off men. Then met a lovely man, the kindest yet! He loves and respects her. And obviously she was better looking in her 20s. She was drop dead gorgeous then!

I am less attractive than she was, but I’ve been in love and loved back several times. It always went wrong until I met DP at 33. Some would say he is not the kind of pretty boy I dated in my 20s, but I find him gorgeous inside and out. And even though I’ve got older and had a baby now I don’t worry about my appearance because we love each other and it’s more than that.

All this is to say that if you want to, you still have every chance of mutual love!

You're doing a solo sing on Christmas day? So you're talented AND more confident than you realise. Please don't call yourself ugly.

That’s amazing. I would never have had the confidence to sing solo in my choir. I was thinking of something along the lines of a community choir with a fun repertoire e.g songs from musicals, pop songs etc.

Move on means:
Accepting that you miss him and that is part of life and doesn't mean he is "the one"
Taking him off the pedestal and looking objectively at the relationship. Was he emotionally available? Was he kind? Did he treat you well? Did he spend quality time with you? Was he caring? OR was he inconsistent, unreliable, disrespectful? Did you feel like you had to edit yourself in order to be with him? Was he "too busy" to spend time with you? Was he following hundreds of Instagram amature prostitutes models? Did he leave his dirty socks on the bedroom floor?
Start rediscovering who you are outside of the relationship. What do you like to eat? What would you really want to spend your free time on? Who do you want to be friends with?
Do that!

Finally, accept once again that you can miss a person who is completely wrong for you (and a person who left you is always the wrong one!) but it doesn't mean that you'd want them in your life.

Little by little, the spell breaks.

The bit about your ex partner reminds me of myself a little.. self conscious due to private health issue, I cover up.

But I was just curious lol, after reading about you, what you were drawn about them so much? As most people wouldn't have time for that if they are confident and quirky/ happy in their own personality.

If you are thinking of dating do look at Burned Haystack dating method (Fbook & Insta) it will show you all of the red flags men use and what their words actually mean. It’s sooo interesting! However I don’t think you should date.
This time is for you! Rediscover you &!what you like. I’ve joined couple of walking groups. Getting out there meeting new people. Not looking to date Experiment with your look with make up or clothes if you want to but for you not for anyone else. I’m struggling to find a hobby but I’m giving things a go. My life is so much richer by leaving dating/ relationships behind. The men that I see or meet I’m not interested in, mostly their behaviour is grim. Have you read what so many women on here accept?? I’m concentrating on me, my kids, work & friendships. That’ll do nicely.

This is about your psychological attitude towards your relationships rather than your looks. However it is absolutely possible for you to look really good.

I am 52, I'm not very toned. My nose is and always has been too big, my ears are massive and I have tiny hooded eyes. I have barely any lips and my lips are very wonky with one side noticeably bigger than the other. I have a natural tendency to look jowly and scowly and have deep nasal labial lines.

Without make up I am nothing at all to look at. However I have since I was a teenager worn make up every day which enhances all of my features. I literally look like a different person with make up on because I have learned how to make the most of what I have and I project confidence and deliberately try to be charming and smiley. This is to the extent that people will very regularly comment to me that I'm extremely pretty and are always shocked if they ask my age and I tell them.

I promise you I am not pretty. I am very good at make up (purely because I have practiced and worked out what makes me look better)

You can learn this stuff. You need to watch instagram/you tube tutorials. Start with one bit of your face and learn how to make the most of it. Eyes are probably the most important IMO. They are what people notice the most when having a conversation with you. Eyebrows in particular are important and really frame your face.

I don't think this is about your looks, I think its about your confidence having had your heart broken - but to the extent that feeling better about your looks might help you, this bit is fixable.