To feel sad that I never experienced mutual love because I'm ugly

[KHMP1971]

I turned 54 on Thursday. I am divorced with DS19 and DD15. I split up with their dad in 2017 (it was a horrible relationship and he was emotionally abusive).

I then got into a relationship with someone a bit younger than me who I loved dearly but who refused to commit for nearly 8 years (I loved him and couldn't let go) and then promptly left me in 2023 for someone much younger, blonde and prettier who he decided was The One. He's married to her now. I'm still alone.

He cut contact eith me in May 2024 as his new fiancee didn't like him being friends with me. He said that he had to as he'd found his wife and I needed to "move on".

Still miss him every day. Still feel worthless.

My birthday was depressing. I worked all day came home and then took DD to muck out her loan horse (helped as it was raining and we wanted to get finished) cooked dinner and went to bed. I got a card from DS who is home from Uni and my colleagues gave me an card with a £20 M and S voucher which is dearly love them for.

I'm not pretty. I'm 5'8" but not really in a super skinny model with long legs way. I have dark brown hair and eyes (I'm white - the woman I was left for was a blue eyed blonde) I have smallish eyes, a big nose, thin lips). I've never been a woman men fall in love with. My ex husband/childrens' dad admitted after we split up that he settled for me as he wasn't good looking himself.

I've never known mutual love. The closest came was the man I was with for 7 years who admitted that he "loved me but not romantically". He admitted that he loved her romantically (probably as she's a lot more attractive).

I feel sad for the little girl I was who was so romantic, always dreaming of fairytale and love stories that he life ended up like this. Basically I'm not hor enough to be loved. I'm not monstrous but I dont spark attraction and therefore that's it.

And most men I encounter are married anyway.

How do I come to terms with this? My life is very lonely and stressful a lot of the time (busy mum working two jobs no family) I would give anything to be held, to share something with someone. But I'm just not special, "wife material" or loveable enough and men's standards are incredibly.high, I can't reach them.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. Woke up feeling sad.

So those of us that are married or in a committed relationship must be attractive and bagged our men through having pretty hair??

Nope! You are feeling down about yourself and blaming looks. I knew my Dh for years before we got together, he was a friend. If it was purely physical attraction then why didn’t we get together sooner?
You have had two bad experiences with people that have made you feel insecure during your breakups, that’s all.

OP, it's not about the looks. Do you really think your ex has never come across "a younger prettier blonde" in joke 8 years? Of course he has, but he didn't fall in love with them.

I think the happiest couple I know are two women They have been together 15 years and have a son (donor sperm) . They never worry about things like "oh men don't like crazy coloured hair", "what if I age?" "Men don't like short hair" etc. They just be themselves and it's wonderful.

I wasn't made that way sadly.

You don’t need to come to terms with it because you’re being dramatic. Those men obviously loved you… men just rewrite things in their head after to feel better about leaving.

You need to work on your self esteem. And ugly people find love all the time. Fucking hell if Fred West could find Rose West then you, a good person who just isn’t model pretty, can also find romantic love.

The ‘only difference between you’ is that you are completely different people!

OP, this is an obsession that is clouding your judgement, as pps have said. You have decided that you ‘not being super hot’ is the main explanation for your romantic/sexual/love life not working out as you’d hoped. Whereas it’s very plain from your posts that your poor self-esteem is the issue.

Bluntly, would you want to date someone who only thought of himself as an ugly, inadequate failure? I wouldn’t. It’s not my job to fix someone who doesn’t fundamentally love and respect themselves. Work on that.

I may sound like a prat saying this so apologies if I do. At uni I was known as the “pretty one” out of our group of 9 women.
It has not helped me find love! I have been in abusive relationship after abusive relationship over the years.
I am not very physically attractive now due to aging, life etc and I don’t generally get any male attention, which I consider a positive (due to past). I have been in a relationship for 4 years with someone I see twice a week. He isn’t abusive and we have fun going on walks etc but I don’t think either of us would say the other one is the love of our life.
The loves of my life are my children, my siblings and my friends. I feel I have missed out on a “partner” but for different reasons to you. I suppose I am not that bothered about finding the love of my life as I have that (children etc) but I would love to live with someone as I think it would make life so much easier with bills etc and in terms of having someone to help when things break etc.
So I don’t think it’s just looks but I understand it’s difficult. My mum met her partner when she was 70 and they had 4 happy years before my mum passed away. She met him at a dance club which wasn’t very expensive and she made a huge group of friends there.

So I hope you meet someone even if it’s just a companion rather than the love of your life and I hope you can meet some other great friends as well as I know it’s not the same but there are definitely positives from that as well. Good luck.

This is another example of your disordered thinking! Do you not think lesbians care about sexual attraction or ageing or might have an opinion on their wife’s haircut or colour? You seem to think your job is to second-guess what mean want and worry that you’re not it.

And lesbians aren’t immune to affairs and breakups. My longest female-female couple friends broke up after twenty years together. They’re not in some special category of ‘eternal happiness’ because they’re not in het relationships.

OP this is 100% a self esteem issue not an attractiveness issue. You have had 2 bad experiences and written yourself off for life. You need to be kinder to yourself! Most people are not GORGEOUS, most people are average. Work on your self esteem and you’ll be amazed what the new found confidence can bring. I bet if you posted a picture (not suggesting you do) that plenty of posters would not think you’re ugly. You have just conditioned yourself to think this way.

I used to be beautiful. I'm not being vain or whatever, I was. (I'm not now, I've got a face like half a pound of breaded ham.)

Nobody ever fell in love with me, or asked me to marry them, or wanted me for longer than it took to fuck me for a while. My longest relationship was 4 years and he had an affair the whole time and left me for her when I was pregnant.
Everyone I was ever in a relationship with left and married someone else. Except one, who was much older, and trafficked me.

I really don't know what the answer is here but I'm trying to say I think it's honestly just the luck of the draw when it comes to relationships.

No one ever asked me to sing a solo! So you must be half decent at least.

the love of my life is my work. Honestly relationships are hard and not some magical fix. You are hurting just now and I am sorry. It will get better with time. Try and be gentle with yourself

And where did I say ‘obsessed with looks’? I didn’t. I said ‘fixated’, which your posts indicate you clearly are.

You’re not single because of the way you look. There’s so much more important stuff in a relationship than looks. I know loads of people that aren’t physically attractive, but they have partners who clearly fell for them regardless.

Did you love your children’s Dad when you first met? Saying he “settled” for you sounds like spite rather than what was really going on
for him. I’m not physically attractive, I expected that age would be a leveller but it surprisingly isn’t as people who were attractive when young remain so. my DP who I love a lot is older and I know I’ll be alone for my later years. I find lots of my friends are in the same position and we are becoming increasingly important to each other for practical and emotional support. I

I get it. And lots of posters will come along and say you aren't ugly, but perhaps they don't understand what it's like to be "plain" looking, when there is a sea of women who are conventionally good looking.

I'm currently in a relationship and I feel/worry he would probably be more romantic if I was the hot blond (like your ex's wife). But I'm not, and I'm confident enough within myself to know I deserve wholesome, reciprocal love. We choose what we tolerate.

I think it all comes down to confidence and self-esteem. You have to be believe that you are worthy and the rest will follow. Now I'm a little more confident about myself, it becomes clearer to see when others (men and women) are lacking it. And it's a really unattractive trait.

E.g. I've recently crossed paths with a man who most women would consider a complete catch. Financially solvent, tall, kind etc etc. He's been attempting to persue me despite knowing I'm in a relationship. He is completely smitten with me, to a point I have had to change plans to avoid any chance encounters. And guess what, the few times we have met, I'm been in a plain t-shirt and jeans, and haven't had time to pluck my chin hairs. Quiet confidence is attractive, find yours. X

I disagree with what you said about finding something other than choir! As a singer myself, I have met previous boyfriends through choir or Amdram groups.
OP - Find a big choir or choral society, and at coffee break, put a smile on your face and talk to the men. At the very least you will make more friends and give a boost to your social life.
(a friend of mine is currently being pursued by an elderly millionaire baritone)

You have a self esteem problem, not a looks problem.

I know many unattractive people, some even with questionable hygiene, who’ve managed to find themselves in happy, fulfilling and successful marriages.

You’re clearly not so ugly that you’re repulsive as you’ve had long relationships and children. Loving someone is about personality and not looks, and I’m a big believer that someone needs to love themselves first to attract someone who will love them. I honestly would recommend therapy and working on your self esteem before you try to date again, but it isn’t too late for your happily ever after.

Your ex husband was trying to hurt you after you dumped him and he succeeded. Then your partner found someone else more compatible who is also skinny and blonde. Won’t be either of those things forever so it’s very likely it’s got a lot more to do with their personalities. And if he genuinely picked a wife based purely on skinniness and blondness then he’s not the catch you say he is…

No wonder you feel shit after these two situations but honestly you need to try to snap out of it. Lots of hideously ugly people find love, lots of stunningly beautiful never find the one. Attraction is so much more than the shape of someone’s nose or the size of their arse, it’s humour and outlook and how a person carries themselves. I can honestly say I’ve never found someone society would deem conventionally good looking sexually attractive.

Talk to yourself the way you talk to your friends or children. You don’t deserve to punish yourself in this way. This big fairytale bells and whistles love is largely a myth spun by Hollywood, the real important stuff is more understated and less polished.

Happy birthday by the way x

The most attractive thing to men is confidence. So what you need to do, is aim for better men. Don’t settle for what you think you deserve, or just who you happened to match with.
For now work on your confidence. Walk tall, do things that make you smile and laugh, think about what’s beautiful about you, not what isn’t. Confidence and happiness is magnetic in a way that physical looks just aren’t.
Make 2026 the year about building you up, and you’ll eventually and naturally meet people who are genuinely attracted to you.

I don't think that's anything to do with being gay. I don't give a fuck if men like my hair, or anything else really.

I think you'd benefit from some counselling for your self esteem.

I agree with this.

OP - being alone in your 50’s isn’t unusual. I know lots of very conventionally attractive women who are, so if this was just about looks, they’d all be in relationships.

i think you’ve replaced ‘your XP’ with ‘men’ in this sentence. This is about him not being attracted to you enough. But it’s one man.

I wholeheartedly agree with this OP.

Firstly, love has nothing to do with looks. If this were the case, then the only people in couples would be supermodels and everyone else would be forever alone.

You only have to walk around town to see all kinds of couples and none of them are model gorgeous. You see all shapes and sizes, all ages, all varying levels of attractiveness.

Work on your self esteem and building up your confidence first of all. How can anyone expect to find you attractive if you think of yourself as shit.

As an example, imagine you were to buy an iPhone online. You enquired ab out one that you liked. The seller told you "oh God, this one is just awful, it's hideous and scratched all over, it doesnt work properly, it's just so shit and ugly and crap. I legit want to cry when I look at it, it's so hideous" Would that make you want to buy it? or would it make you want to think blimey, I am not investing my money in that one! Same principle goes for self esteem. That doesn't mean you have to become arrogant but it does mean you need to value yourself for the lovely human being you are.

He tried. He cheated twice.

Thats because he is by nature a cheater. It's an attitude and personality trait within him. It is not because pretty women exist in the world.

I’d get a nose job and lose some weight, start exercising regularly. A tiny bit of lip filler if your lips really are noticeably thin. Life isn’t over yet!

'but I'm not as good as 3 professional singers who all had a music education and 1 is a recording artist' - I'm paraphrasing but this is disordered thinking. You don't need to be.

Please consider what everyone else is saying about confidence, and get counselling. Or start with some books, podcasts, apps etc focussed on mental health.

You could start with the one for Low confidence and assertiveness: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/mental-wellbeing-audio-guides/

I can’t tell if this is serious or not.