Would you/have you secretly filmed at your child's Nativity?

[Dramatic]

So our school has a policy that you aren't allowed to film/take photos at all, total blanket ban. They don't take photos or film themselves either.

My husband works away and never gets to see the plays so I secretly film them/take photos (just my child's part but there are others in the background) and I show the videos to him.

I don't put them on any social media or send them to anyone else, even Grandparents etc.

Aibu?

But she is not at your school? Different schools will have different risk assessments for a range of reasons.

Unless those children never ever go out of their house (unlikely considering they're attending school) then they will be at much higher danger just by being on the street.

Op, I have a child who is very high risk and therefore I don't allow filming/ sharing of their image. I've had to burn my entire life to the ground to get my child to safety and if their other parent found out where we are and what school they go to I would once again have to leave my home, leave my job, leave the new friends I've made, take my child out of school and away from their friends. All provided their dad doesn't get to them first. This rule is in place to protect us.

Could you please explain to me why you think your husbands desire to see a nativity (which let's be honest loads of working parents unfortunately miss) is more important and more essential than my child's safety? Than my safety?

If I knew you were doing that I'd be absolutely disgusted with you and I would challenge you and make it known to the school. And just FYI my child's father never hurt me or him directly, to us he was always a wonderful family man. In secret he hurt lots of other children without anyone's knowledge. It destroyed my life and my kids life as we knew it. If the roles were reversed, what would you hope other parents would do to protect you and your child because let me tell you, you've no idea what could be round the corner?

Loads of kids are adopted/ fostered and have dangerous people actively seeking them out. Children in witness protection still go to school. Children being targeted by predators in the community will still have to go to school. The sheer entitlement and total lack of awareness of your post is staggering and on one hand I'm really glad for you that you have the privilege of being so far removed from this, but on the other hand I think you need to inform yourself.

You are also taking away the ability of every single parent in that room to decide for themselves if they consent to image sharing or not. And that does include your dh. My stbxh was also on the receiving end of all school media before we found out what he was doing. So the question is why you think you are more important than everyone else in the room?

Holding onto memories is what your brain is made for.

YABVU and you know you are

I feel like this is more about respecting the schools decision, and not thinking that yours and your husbands wants take precedence over the rule, even if you disagree with it.

The school can ask that you film but don’t post on social media. However, you then open the (very flimsy) flood gates and have every parent thinking that that rule doesn’t apply to them. Usually people think that as their social media is ‘family only’ or ‘private’ it is safe to post anything online. By banning all filming the school are trying their best to make it fair and to protect their students.

Schools often have multiple children that are in care, or have court ordered contact arrangements. These children need to be kept safe and not put at risk by adults who can’t follow valid rules.

I’m with you. The over the top wailing about photographs at school plays is very odd.

Also op, things like what you've done at exactly what makes it harder for those kids to live a normal life and do the things you've just described.. it also shows serious lack of awareness of how risks to children work - children are significantly more likely to be abused by someone they know than a random on the street.

That’s been my experience of primary schools. I mean that they have filmed it, protected the dc that needed protecting and then sold for a fiver.

You have absolutely no idea what my background is, just so you do have some idea my ex is in prison for 14 years for what he did to me and my older kids. So I really do have experience in what can happen, because it did happen to me. You don't have experience in that so maybe you shouldn't comment either.

Rules are for other people, not me!

When it concerns the safety of every child I don't think anything trumps it.

If I follow the rules, your child is protected and vice versa.

My brother is a pedo and had I filmed my children's plays it's likely your kid would have been in the shot.

You never know.

How much risk are you prepared to take with other people’s children? It’s easy to say the risk is tiny but as a social worker I’ve had to move families where they’ve been traced through social media, putting the family at significant risk. Some people will scour social media to piece together information about the people they’ve abused. Your bit of video might not be much but in combination with other tiny bits of information can put children in danger. But much more important that you have a video of your child wearing a tea towel.

Every child who leaves the house is filmed repeatedly, there are dashcams and ring doorbells all over the place. The same as OP, this isnt an issue as they aren't shared online.

It's NOT going on social media.

No. Because being on a street doesn't tie them to a fixed location between 9 and 3 every day in term time.

As adopters we managed risk when out and about, eg by avoiding certain areas, making sure press didn't picture them at public events etc. School should be a place where they feel safe and normal.

Oh come on now, you really can’t be this hard of thinking.

This is so selfish and unreasonable of you. Others will have family members not present and they won’t be recording it.

Others will have noticed you secretly recording it - what happens if they then decide to do the same? What if one person shares on social media? You will be partly to blame.

There are children in schools escaping DV and living in safe houses. They need protection. This trumps your husband missing a nativity by a long long stretch!

Please don’t be so selfish - from someone who works in a school and has insight into the issues other families have that you wouldn’t believe.

Thank you, this is the point I'm trying to make. You said it much better than me.

Huh?

Then actually op you've no excuse and you should know better. This makes it worse that KNOWING that sacrifice and that risk, you still are willing to put others at risk. This makes me think this post is not real because I don't know any woman who's been through something similar that would be so entitled as they'd be very aware of why that rule is in place.

I mean I wouldn’t do it myself if that was the rule as yeah, it’s a bit entitled, but also can’t get worked up about it. Our preschool allows videos of the nativity with a ‘no social media’ rule but obviously they can’t police that, no one seems to care though as the risk is pretty remote. Who else other than parents/grandparents would even want to look at random nativity play videos, I certainly wouldn’t post it on my social media a) because I never post pics of other peoples kids without their consent but also b) because it’s very lame content if you’re not the parents.

"But can anyone actually explain the risk in this scenario? If she were showing (not sharing the video, just showing) her dh then what can actually happen? "

The rules have to be the same for everyone. You might only show it to your DH but someone else will stick it on FB to share with their 2000 friends.

But I'm not putting them at risk 🤦