Christmas dinner invite taken back due to grown up sons hissy fit

[Darkcat]

Earlier this year, I was invited to spend Christmas Day with my partner’s family. That invitation was made months ago, and I’d been planning around it.

Recently, however—just a week before Christmas—one adult member of the family has decided they don’t want me present and has pushed for the invitation to be withdrawn. On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

This has left me in a difficult position. With such short notice, it’s too late to make alternative plans, especially as my own child has already arranged to spend the holidays elsewhere.

I’m struggling with whether it’s unreasonable to expect my partner to stand up for me and say that I should still be included, particularly given that I haven’t caused any conflict or done anything to justify this reaction. At the moment, it feels like the situation is being allowed to continue without challenge, despite the fact that everyone involved is an adult.

But what would you do in the DP's shoes? Risk your realtionship with your son, which is probably already fragile or son wouldn't be behaving like this.

Would you risk your relationship with your daughter for the sake of spending a day with a partner?

I suspect the son has got reasons and either you are aware of ignoring them or are oblivious and causing upset by not picking up on it. Calling his opinion a hissy fit isn’t likely to win you over any favours either.

It’s a day where you can quietly enjoy something you like at home, alone. Have a Christmas event with your partner on another occasion. There are plenty more days coming up.

its just a day
perhaps his mum will be there?
whatever he doesnt want you there, he has found something out about you and no longer likes you.
do you have any other family?

Buy yourself some delicious festive treats and spend the day doing what you like. I wouldn't go where it was obvious I wasn't welcome.

I bet this ends up getting pulled ‘for privacy reasons’.

This!

I would not go anywhere where I’m not welcome. And not just at Xmas!

It’s not too late to sort nice food and some nice treats for next week.

If you want to invite your DP, fair enough, but I would be happy doing exactly whatever I wanted to do on the day

But that person isn't the host or the house owner; not his decision.

Right, well his son is a grown man so he's just going to have to suck it up. His grandparents invited you. If he doesn't want to spend the day with you then no-one is forcing him to go. My mum had a partner I couldn't stand and I wouldn't have spent the whole of Christmas Day with him either, but I wouldn't demand that other people not invite him. I'd just politely decline to attend and leave them all to it.

Your DH should tell his son that his options are either he sucks it up or absents himself from the day. If he refuses either of those options and puts pressure on his GPs and Dad to uninvite you, then your DH should say to his parents 'well I'm not coming without DarkCat, so you and DS enjoy your Christmas Day together and DarkCat and I will spend ours together.'

No way should your partner leave you alone in the circumstances you've described.

This!

Take control of the situation!

I would be buying myself the most amazing solo Christmas lunch, with wine, and let them get on with it! Who needs these negative vibes in your life? If you DP really likes you he will sort this. If he doesn't then you know where you stand.

In order to make decisions that are not his to make? To keep control? To be the centre of hid father's life? He must have been pandered to at some point, to think he can decide who is invited to his grandparents/father's home.

Sorry, blood relatives Trump everyone here. If Grandchild doesn’t want you there, DGP will of course take their side. Even if you feel it’s unfair.

Can you imagine sitting round the dinner table? It would just cause an atmosphere. Don’t put yourself and the hosts through that. Just back off and do your own thing.

I don’t understand. Why can’t DP spend Christmas with you then at your house?

You'd tell you son you were choosing your partner over them...?

IME divorced fathers of adult children are very wary of doing anyhting that upsets them. Maybe partly out of guilt for leaving the family home, but also because the relationship is often fragile. I know several divorced middle-aged men who are at the beck and call of DC because they feel one wrong move and they'll barely see DC.

That doesn't answer my question. Most men of his age will either be in their own home or renting elsewhere. There is obviously a back story that only the OP can answer.

Did your partner tell you this information and uninvited you or is he just telling you and expecting you to still come? Either way you need to ditch this partner if he doesn’t stand up for you.

Who says the DS still lives at home?

My grown up sons still come to mine for Xmas. They don’t live here, but are obviously first choice of Xmas dinner guests.

how long is your relationship?

I suspect that you comingto a family Christmas makes him realise that your relationship is much more serious than he thought.

I have a family member who went through similar. However her now husband did not let his adult children dictate his relationship. They were ok when it was what they saw as a causal relationship but when it got serious (and I suspect they worried about their inheritance) they started stuns like this. Their father nipped it in the bud very quickly.

I hope your partner and his parents do the same.

It's mentioned in the OP 'where he lives' at the end of para 2. HTH

I don't know where you get "most" from. The average for children to leave home in UK is currently 28.

If I’m honest I would exect your DP to be spending Xmas with you, no matter what else happens. If they don’t then they are not really your partner imho.

If he allows this to stand you at least know where you stand.

I wasn't trying to answer your question; just speculating as to reason, expressing a thought.

Should a partner expect to stand ahead of his DC?