Christmas dinner invite taken back due to grown up sons hissy fit

[Darkcat]

Earlier this year, I was invited to spend Christmas Day with my partner’s family. That invitation was made months ago, and I’d been planning around it.

Recently, however—just a week before Christmas—one adult member of the family has decided they don’t want me present and has pushed for the invitation to be withdrawn. On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

This has left me in a difficult position. With such short notice, it’s too late to make alternative plans, especially as my own child has already arranged to spend the holidays elsewhere.

I’m struggling with whether it’s unreasonable to expect my partner to stand up for me and say that I should still be included, particularly given that I haven’t caused any conflict or done anything to justify this reaction. At the moment, it feels like the situation is being allowed to continue without challenge, despite the fact that everyone involved is an adult.

maybe you're dp's family are not onboard with the relationship and maybe your dp is equally unsure.
sadly your son's behavior (unspecified hissy fit) is a reflection on your parenting and family values.

Did you initially decide to spend Christmas with your partner's family and leave your own daughter to make her own arrangements? I really hope that's not the case and if it is you kind of deserve to spend it alone.

How old is this adult DS - are we talking 18 or 30

People can and they do, I don't want to give my circumstances as it would be too outing but sometimes things turn sour and we just cannot find out why if the person concerned refuses to even talk

Any chance of you answering any of the questions, OP? Otherwise who can properly comment or advise you?

I’m not being dishonest — I’m describing the situation as it’s happened. There hasn’t been any conflict or incident between us, and while things were civil, we were never close. Disliking someone doesn’t always come from an event, and that’s what’s confusing here. There’s been no event or argument etc.

I think calling it a hissy fit might be a bit of a clue about your feelings towards his Ds, so maybe it's just mutual dislike?

There doesn't have to be a specific reason or falling out, sometimes people just don't click and don't chose to play the game I wish I had done this with my step mother when I was a child and saved decades of repressed animosity. Would have been much healthier.

I would not go. No way would I spend christmas in a house where I was not welcome.

I would also seriously consider whether I wanted the hassle of this relationship.

The person who says they don't like you anymore isn't the actual host who's cooking?
Frankly it's the decision of the host only who comes.

But your H should definitely tell them either you're coming with or he'll have to decline. Then you can have a nice time together and forget them.

That’s ridiculous! How old is the son? And why didn’t his dad say he’s being an idiot for just making a random decision he doesn’t like you, for no reason?!

His son is 28.
my DD Is 9 and she decided earlier this year she would go to her dads as he lives quite a distance so she’ll be there over the Christmas holidays. I didn’t object as I actually like her to spend time with her dad. When DP knew I’d be alone that was when the invite to the parents came along and I accepted.

I don't know if your partner can force the issue, that will depend on who's hosting, but he can and should say that if you can't attend, unfortunately he can't either. I would expect that as a minimum, given whatever the backstory on this, he's still with you.

There's been a lot of posts on MN recently, about people not wanting x person to visit at Christmas because it will change the atmosphere and make it less relaxed.

I can see that someone with whom you are "civil but not close" could easily feel that way.

So the Christmas dinner is at your DP’s parents’ house?

Have I understood correctly??

So what is your partner going to do? He invited you to his family dinner, he's not allowing his nearly 30yr old to decide if you aren't coming is he?
I think it would be the end of a relationship if so tbh.

Your BF's 28 year old son lives at his dad's place and doesn't want to be around you for Xmas dinner and doesn't want you in his home.

Given your language describing that as a "hissy fit", I would bet money there is a reason for that.

How long have you been together with your BF and what happened between you and his son that caused these bad feelings on both sides? There was something. This kind of stuff doesn't come out of nowhere.

What's the situatuon with the "boy's" mother?

I have friends where the female partner's adult daughter has never accepted that her parents won't be getting back together, and won't be in the same room as "new" partner...ten years on.

Friend has undoubtedly pandered to this, but was she supposed to choose new man over the daughter? Because that's what it boils down to, if DP is at family events DD won't be.

Also, I suspect that whilst the DP is very affable, he's a bit controlling, so maybe DD can see that. The son in OP's situation could have his reasons.

I'd be very upset, but tell DP to be with his family and I'll see him either later in the day or another day, then plan a lovely day alone, and consider whether I want to live like this because it's unlikely to change much.

I be would be thinking seriously about this relationship being long term.

I bet your partner has been complaining about you or saying things that have affected how his son views you.

Why is a 29 year old man still living in his father's home?

What does your partner say about it, will he come to your house instead? His son can't ban you, that's ridiculous.

It would be quite unpleasant to spend Christmas with a 28yo “stepson” who doesn’t like you

I would stay home alone and have a nice day eating whatever you want and doing whatever you want and having a serious think about the future.

Ok so is this a fairly new relationship? Or are you the first one your partner is having a relationship with? Is there a back story to this like a difficult relationship between the son and his father that is healing and you coming throws that off?
What dyes your partner want to do?

Is push back to partner, the son is being an absolute child … I’d bet if he had a girlfriend that was told she wasn’t allowed in the home he’d have a fit

So did your DP and wider family invite you without discussing / mentioning it to DP’s Ds?

Even at 28 the reaction to Dad’s girlfriend being invited to share his Christmas can be high octane. Especially as you say you are not close to your DP’s Ds.

You’re right, you don’t have to have done anything wrong . You just have to be the woman that Dp is making a new family with.

Would it help if your DP took him out with a beer and talked it through?