Christmas dinner invite taken back due to grown up sons hissy fit

[Darkcat]

Earlier this year, I was invited to spend Christmas Day with my partner’s family. That invitation was made months ago, and I’d been planning around it.

Recently, however—just a week before Christmas—one adult member of the family has decided they don’t want me present and has pushed for the invitation to be withdrawn. On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

This has left me in a difficult position. With such short notice, it’s too late to make alternative plans, especially as my own child has already arranged to spend the holidays elsewhere.

I’m struggling with whether it’s unreasonable to expect my partner to stand up for me and say that I should still be included, particularly given that I haven’t caused any conflict or done anything to justify this reaction. At the moment, it feels like the situation is being allowed to continue without challenge, despite the fact that everyone involved is an adult.

i think you should be the bigger person in this scenario.
take a step back
dont force yourself when you are not wanted

Well, if they want a future together, yes, somewhat. Unless adult son is always going to live at home, care for father etc. Though it shouldn't be 'ahead'; it's not a competion. Very different relationships. It is the son who is trying to force his father to 'choose'.

That’s really interesting. I don’t suppose you know if anyone has written about this dynamic?

Yes and the son is either behaving very badly or has his reasons. But, what happens after the father chooses?

What has OP drip fed? 🤔

I think from the looks of it’s it the in laws that are hosting. The OPs partner invited her for Christmas without checking with the in laws. And his adult son (who I am presuming is going to his grandparents for Christmas as well) doesn’t want the OP there.

I think there’s more to the story than what’s been said, but I will say that several years ago when my sister first started going out with her boyfriend, she invited him for Christmas without checking with my parents and it stressed my mum out so much because it was so short notice (we didn’t have enough seats at the table and I’d just had my first baby so it was a bit manic trying to fit lunch around a baby etc). It might be that the in laws (son’s grandparents) have been stressing over having OP there for similar reasons and the son has stepped in and said no.

Most psychologists from Jung onwards.

Yes, it’s not really clear, is it?

What would you have done before the invite came?

So why would the son also want OP banned from visiting her DP at home ?

I don’t know alot of what is going on here from the lack of actual information on this thread, but one thing I can definitely say is I would rather spend the day by myself than be somewhere I wasn’t wanted.

Interesting that OP hasn't answered the question about the son's mother.

Lots of info missing is my guess..

From the OP;

Recently, however—just a week before Christmas—one adult member of the family has decided they don’t want me present and has pushed for the invitation to be withdrawn. On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

l took this to mean that the son lives with his dad.

I think from her original post that the son might still live at home with her partner? So he doesn’t want her around on Christmas or in the home in general?

I wouldn't want to go now and your partner should tell them you both wont be there simple

There is NO way I’d have an adult child living in my home telling me who could and couldn’t come to my house. Where is your partners backbone? Unless you were an affair partner I don’t understand why he isn’t telling his son to like it or leave. At 28 I was living abroad with my first child! He needs to grow up!

The son is being unreasonable. The dad, the grand parents, the OP are all presumably looking forward to getting together and he is acting like a Little Prince.

One of my adult daughters detests one of my husband's sisters ie her aunt (and tbh it's reciprocated) but we don't tolerate any nonsense from either of them. They are both invited and either they come and behave nicely (which they do) or they are not to come. Both behave. We are not going to start uninviting people.

You haven’t been sensitive enough to see what the issue is, but there WILL be an issue.

It's at the end of para 2 in the OP

Your dd no longer wishes to live with you? Or is this just for Christmas?

If your DP doesnt say sorry I cant leave my partner alone so I wont be coming bin him.

So weird! My mum died and my dad got a new gf. I felt so unsettled by it but that was not the fault of the woman - I just missed my mum. I still invited the woman to my wedding and she is in the photos. The son is in the wrong.

That’s what I thought but others said not so I started second guessing myself!

All the people siding with the son here and saying the OP should be the bigger person are missing one point.

The son has also said that the OP is no longer welcome in the DP’s home as he lives there. There are three possibilities here:

• the OP is lying and she has had a spectacular falling out with the son which has led to this. This doesn’t make sense, because although it does make sense that if the falling out was so horrendous that the OP and the son could never be in the same space again, it doesn’t add up that the OP’s partner would capitulate and give in to the son’s demands based on the falling out but would continue to keep seeing the OP. Because if the falling out was so bad that he sided with his son then the relationship would be under threat and it appears not to be.
• the son really is that objectionable, and has put his foot down, and the DP is going along with it. If this is the case then it absolutely is reasonable to suggest that the DP should be putting the OP first, maybe not with regards to Christmas dinner, but with regards to the OP going to his house. It’s his house, and all the talk of whether he should risk the relationship with his son is utterly ridiculous. This is a grown man not a child. Although the fact he lives with his father at the age of 29 might suggest otherwise. But I absolutely would not be emotionally blackmailed by an adult threatening to ruin a relationship if I didn’t cave to his demands. Absolutely not. There’s a time for putting your children ahead of a potential step parent, and there’s a time for telling them it’s time they grew the fuck up and behaved like the adults they expect to be treated as.
• the last possibility however is what I think is most likely, and that the DP has either been stirring and whipping the son up into a frenzy, or alternatively he’s lying and doesn’t want the OP round there. Why not? Maybe he’s seeing someone else? But if he tells her that the son has said x that means the OP won’t talk to the son because he apparently hates her so much, and the DP is free to spin his narratives.

Either way this relationship is over and I would walk away without giving it too much headspace.

Call his bluff. “Fine DP, obviously as I’m no longer welcome in your home and your life according to your son I’ll drop off your stuff on Friday, I hope you’re happy going forward.”

No point over thinking. Just end it. The partner clearly isn’t sticking up for OP, so time to walk away.