Christmas dinner invite taken back due to grown up sons hissy fit

[Darkcat]

Earlier this year, I was invited to spend Christmas Day with my partner’s family. That invitation was made months ago, and I’d been planning around it.

Recently, however—just a week before Christmas—one adult member of the family has decided they don’t want me present and has pushed for the invitation to be withdrawn. On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

This has left me in a difficult position. With such short notice, it’s too late to make alternative plans, especially as my own child has already arranged to spend the holidays elsewhere.

I’m struggling with whether it’s unreasonable to expect my partner to stand up for me and say that I should still be included, particularly given that I haven’t caused any conflict or done anything to justify this reaction. At the moment, it feels like the situation is being allowed to continue without challenge, despite the fact that everyone involved is an adult.

Have you read any of the OP or the updates ? OP is not the ‘other woman’ - her partner had been divorced for 5 years when they met and his son is a grown man of 28. And why on earth would you think his son’s mum would be there, given that it’s DP’s parents hosting ?

Except that OP wasn’t the other woman.

Well said. We are often reading about ‘partners’ here who’ve been on the scene for as long as 6 weeks! Seeing each other once or twice a week, even. 🙄

I hope you do this.
I wouldn't want to be caught up in such a toxic dynamic.

Yep. He's her boyfriend, they do not live together, and we do not know how long they have been dating.

Anyway, it sounds like the adult son really does not like her, we have no idea why, and her boyfriend is going along with his son's wishes.

I'd spend the day having a nice calm and quiet Christmas by myself, as single woman, having broken up with the boyfriend as obviously the relationship cannot progress.

Oh me too, no question. Who needs any of this?

More mumsnet surmising without knowing the full facts

Why do women need to be hung out to dry on here all the bloody time? Someone posts for support and all they get is snide digs and people filling in the blanks when they don't know what is going on -stop this

People don't post on here to be shredded. They post for support and advice. Stop making digs about how long you think they have been dating! You don't know! You know nothing about this situation. Stop presenting people in the worst possible light just because you want a gossip - it's shocking and shameful and I have had enough of it!

Busy bodies with nothing better to do than gossip and snip and snipe!!

This isn’t surmise at all, but a point about common terminology, and terminology which is pretty germane to OP’s dilemma.
I, and I think a good few others, were merely suggesting that if this is a recently hatched relationship (ie boyfriend rather than partner level still) then we’d tend to allow that overgrown teenager to call the shots about whom his father brings home for Christmas dinner en famille, as it’s not our business.
However if the beloved is a fixture of long standing in OP’s life, then this is definitely fighting talk by that son, and explanations, interventions, all manner of ‘-tions would be justified/ required.
(Or in either case, possibly bin the whole caboodle on the grounds of excess drama)

But by all means attach your own interpretation to remarks about the thing.
Say what you will, but it was entirely about specific language, about one single word, and the need for the right one when posing a question that asks for considered responses.
(‘Right’ meaning = as is most commonly understood, in case you discern any judgment there)

Depends on how long the OP has been dating the husband (BF)

Well for several months at least.

Personally I don't really think their dating period should be that much of an issue - they are a couple. Obviously it wouldn't be great if they'd only just met - a potentially awkward Christmas. But OP's met the family and probably has seen the son fairly often as he lives with his dad. Even if they'd only been together for a few weeks I don't think it should be up to the son IMO - especially as the son isn't the host.

Plus, the husband needs to defend the OP & explain the new partner is non-negotiable. Also, the spirit of Christmas is that everyone is meant to be charitable.

Agree with this.

I can't imagine doing that to any of my DC's partners - or anyone - without an incredibly valid reason, especially knowing that they would now be alone for Christmas. In OP's shoes I would expect my partner to stand up for me to try to stop this nonsense and, if the uninvite still stood, to spend Christmas with me and not his mean family. Otherwise he would shortly be an ex-partner

@Millytante as the invitation was given months ago it's not going to be a a recently hatched relationship. So it will be at least several months long and, I would surmise, on top of that OP probably wasn't invited immediately but until their relationship seemed fairly settled, because that makes the most sense.

edited because of glitch which bolded out several words

OP also said she’s happy for DD to spend time with her dad, so there’s clearly a good co-parenting relationship there. The fact that DD is free to express her preferences is also a good sign. OP didn’t ask for parenting advice and the invitation for Christmas day was extended after DD had made the decision to go to her dad’s. So why so why are you looking for drama where there is clearly none ?

If you read the OP, it says the invitation was made months ago - earlier this year, so this isn’t a relationship of a few weeks. Even if it were, it does not entitle a 28 year old man to effectively ban OP from a Christmas gathering to which he is not the host or the issuer of the invitation. And it certainly doesn’t give him the right to ban her from his fathers’ house. Divorce happens. People move on. Only on MN is it deemed fine for grown adult children to put the kybosh on their parents’ future happiness to suit their own selfish viewpoint.

I would give her a warning and say friends of yours noticed it was your house. Give her the opportunity to explain if she can. You can then both decide if you want to continue with the present situation.
She probably fantasised and envied your situation. Most people know it’s never reality on FB.

I think you’ve posted on the wrong thread!

Sounds enthralling, all the same!

You clearly missed the point that the invitation was extended months ago, so very clearly not a short term relationship.

I think this is the thread in question:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5462383-feel-a-bit-weird-about-what-my-cleaner-did?latest=1

A few months does not a long-term relationship make.
They don't even live together.

Hi again. You’re quite right, and I must quit staying up to the wee small hours ranting on MN. Far too old to be at that caper now!
Another important point (on top of the vintage of the relationship) that I skated right over is that there are two households from which this blasted son sees fit to be banning OP; not just his dad’s house.

I suppose one could envisage a family gathering at DP’s parents’ house for Christmas Day arranged in order that some dramatic news be imparted to everyone, gathered expressly for this. Testamentary changes, a permanent move to Spain, the need for 24 hour care etc.
Certainly in the former case, the parents might view anyone short of wedded into the family as not part of any planned discussion; I know my very old-school GPs felt that way.
But then the invitation should never have been extended to OP (maybe it’s this son who wants to make an announcement to everyone?)

But whatever about imaginary scenarios, and irrespective of the son’s sudden unexplained animus against OP, this is all such a lot of nonsense to be dealing with, and who needs such pressure in a romantic liaison which should be adding joy to one’s life, not teenage drama and sulks, and the hurt they can cause.

OP and the son are not close, and we don’t know how much time she spends over at his father’s house, nor how her visits pass off in terms of atmosphere.
He’s being a proper Charlie anyway for a man of 28, still living at home yet shouting the odds as though it were his own gaff, and his father seems to be of the wazzock type type too, having left OP insulted, confused, and without the support from him she’d be right to have relied on. Sod that.
Solo flight sounds like a far better option for OP, and without one backwards glance too.

Wouldn’t disagree with any of this. I suspect her DP knows exactly why his son has taken against her, but doesn’t want to say. It’s a load of drama in the making and I think you’re right in that OP has the perfect excuse to say her goodbyes and take to her heels while she has the chance. None of it bodes well for the future.

The son is 28 so not even an 18/19 year old!

Unless there are some mitigating circumstances and the son is cognitively much younger than his age, the partner should be standing up for you here. If the son doesn't want to spend time with you at Christmas then the son can spend time with grandparents and you and partner have your own meal. If the son won't have you in the house he lives in, the son would need to be finding somewhere else to live.

If the partner isn't making those sorts of noises, then I think it's a sign you are not in that kind of relationship and are just dating with no long-term prospects. If that's not what you want then it would be the end.

I have think it’s the time of the year 🤪

But it isn’t your op though is it? So why pick on the obvious and let the op answer herself 👀