Christmas dinner invite taken back due to grown up sons hissy fit

[Darkcat]

Earlier this year, I was invited to spend Christmas Day with my partner’s family. That invitation was made months ago, and I’d been planning around it.

Recently, however—just a week before Christmas—one adult member of the family has decided they don’t want me present and has pushed for the invitation to be withdrawn. On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

This has left me in a difficult position. With such short notice, it’s too late to make alternative plans, especially as my own child has already arranged to spend the holidays elsewhere.

I’m struggling with whether it’s unreasonable to expect my partner to stand up for me and say that I should still be included, particularly given that I haven’t caused any conflict or done anything to justify this reaction. At the moment, it feels like the situation is being allowed to continue without challenge, despite the fact that everyone involved is an adult.

@BreakingBroken

What are you on about??

@Darkcat Of course YANBU to expect your DP to have your back in this. He should be saying to his DS that you were invited months ago and of course you won't be uninvited. However, the fact that he doesn't seem to be prepared to do this makes me think that he does know why his DS has suddenly taken against you and just hasn't told you. I think the question you should be asking your DP is why does his DS want you uninvited when you haven't done anything wrong (and it isn't good enough for your DP to say his DS just doesn't like you - he's 28, not 8).

My guess is a significant age gap, given that one has a son nearing 30 and the other has a 9 year old. A lot of adult children have a problem when their dad's girlfriend is closer to their age than to his.

Grandparents are going to side with their grandchildren over their son's current girlfriend in most cases.

I'm not sure there's much hope for this relationship long-term. Maybe the OP should book a last minute break abroad over Christmas while her daughter is away and enjoy herself with a very different type of Christmas this year.

MN can be contrary at times. If you were 28, upset that your father wanted to bring his partner at Christmas against your wishes, I expect the replies would be different

From the update my DD Is 9 and she decided earlier this year she would go to her dads as he lives quite a distance so she’ll be there over the Christmas holidays. I read it as OP accepting the invitation to spend Christmas with her partners’ family because DD was spending Christmas at her dad’s, but l agree, there’s a couple of things that aren’t clear.

If you'd read OP's post more carefully you wouldn't have made a fool of yourself with this nasty comment. It is OP's partner's 28yr old son who has had the "unspecified hissy fit" and insisted OP is uninvited - OP only has a 9yr old DD.
And if OP's partner's family weren't onboard with the relationship, why would they have issued the invitation in the first place?
Wind your neck in and don't be so spiteful.

Have you actually been uninvited or is it just being discussed OP? What have the hosts said about it (assume DP's parents?). It's rude to cancel so close to Christmas especially knowing your DD's away. Of course your DP should support you, question his DS about it and, if you are actually being refused, be with you on Christmas day. I can't get my head around a family going along with this if, as you say, there haven't been any issues.

Exactly this. The invitation was made months ago - plans have already been made around it. DP’s son is forcing an unpleasant situation where it’s rescinded too late for other plans to be made, and the uninvited partner is now forced to spend Christmas alone. That’s designed to cause maximum damage to OP’s relationship, not only with DP, but the rest of his family.

What should have happened is that DP should have stood by OP, told his son that his behaviour is rude in the extreme, and made it clear that one way or another he would be spending Christmas with OP. That he didn’t speaks volumes about his priorities and if l were OP I’d be ending the relationship. They sound awful.

Possibly, but only if the 28yr old posting on MN explained why they didn't want their DF bringing his DP to Christmas lunch and we found that reason to be compelling. I don't think any of us would have much patience with the reason being "I just don't like her anymore".

On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

Does he live on his own or with his family? How do they get to decide who is welcome at his home?

Wow, if your sole contribution to the thread was intended to be so nasty, the least you should have done was to make sure you understood the issue before posting. As it is, your rush to be spiteful has left you looking foolish to say the least.

I bet the boyfriend issued the invitation without consulting anyone, hence it all kicking off now.

Indeed, but I doubt that's the actual reason here either. Getting any info from the OP has been like squeezing blood out of a stone and I'm assuming the son's perspective would be very different.

You call him your partner but he isn't behaving like one is he? He hasn't offered any other alternative plans to you, like the two of you going out for dinner or him coming to yours, which speaks volumes.

Maybe he is trying to find an excuse to leave the relationship? I'd be tempted to ask the DS what you have done to upset him so badly.

I'd also be asking myself if this relationship is worth the effort. You both deserve to be happy.

Is there a big age difference between you and DP?

Some adult children can get the major ick if their parents new partner is closer in age to the adult child than the parent.

Your partner must surely be well into his 50s to have a son who is 28. Yet you have a DD of 9... That suggests you are quite a bit younger...

Does his son live with him? For him to say you are no longer welcome in his fathers home?

How long have you been in a relationship? How long has your DP been split from his sons Mother?

Maybe there has been some misunderstanding that you are unaware of. I would reach out to the son sympathetically and ask him if you've done something wrong.

Maybe the son is an excuse.

This.

Its like getting blood out of a stone!!

Yup. Sorry to say, OP, that if your partner is prepared to let this stand, you are better off without this relationship. Believe me, you don't want to deal with hostile adult children your whole life.

I'm usually anti parents picking new partners over children in anything, but this is a 27 year old man and it's not his place to demand that his GPs don't invite the OP. He has a choice to go or not to go but he can't manipulate the whole family over an invitation that's already been offered and accepted. That's just brattish and entitled, especially as there doesn't appear to be any particular reason for it.

If he doesn't want to spend the day with the OP then he should be the one to back out, not demand that she should. Or he should go along for a short while, eg. just lunch, or just early evening tea then leave, to avoid having to spend the entire day together if he really can't stand the thought.

If he said to his dad 'look Dad, I prefer Christmas with just family and I don't really want to spend it with DarkCat' (which I totally understand and respect by the way) then his dad would have had plenty of notice to let the OP know that he won't be spending Christmas Day with her and she could have made other plans. She might not have liked it but that's sometimes just the deal with complicated blended families and divorced parents etc.

When I was an adult with my own children I spent one Christmas Day with my mum's new (at the time) partner at her house and that was quite enough for me thanks. Never again. I made it quite clear I wouldn't ever be doing it ever again and that he'd never get an invitation to my home for anything. I understood if she didn't want to leave him all alone at Christmas (none of his own family spoke to him, so clearly it wasn't just me who found him obnoxious) so if she didn't come to us for Christmas it was no skin off my nose. She was always welcome, he wasn't. It was up to her. So that's how it was until he died a few years later.

Sounds like the partner has an adult child who doesn't want OP there.

Exactly. If partner loves you, he would be choosing to be with you at Christmas, particularly after the behaviour of his family. If he chooses his family over you and leaves you alone at Christmas, show him the door.

My mum had me at 19. When I was 28 she was 48. The OP could have had her son in her 30s or 40s and be near the same age as her partner.

I don't see the big deal about someone inviting their partner over for Christmas day