Christmas dinner invite taken back due to grown up sons hissy fit

[Darkcat]

Earlier this year, I was invited to spend Christmas Day with my partner’s family. That invitation was made months ago, and I’d been planning around it.

Recently, however—just a week before Christmas—one adult member of the family has decided they don’t want me present and has pushed for the invitation to be withdrawn. On top of that, they’ve also stated that I’m no longer welcome at my partner’s home where he lives.

This has left me in a difficult position. With such short notice, it’s too late to make alternative plans, especially as my own child has already arranged to spend the holidays elsewhere.

I’m struggling with whether it’s unreasonable to expect my partner to stand up for me and say that I should still be included, particularly given that I haven’t caused any conflict or done anything to justify this reaction. At the moment, it feels like the situation is being allowed to continue without challenge, despite the fact that everyone involved is an adult.

It's hard to give workable and helpful advice when there is so much important detail missing. The conflation of 'grown up son' and 'hissy fit' says that nine tenths of the situation is below the surface.

Very sage advice.

The son has 100% told his dad the reason he now dislikes you and for revoking your invitation. You just need to get this information from your DP to know what you’re dealing with.

If this is a fairly new relationship, I’d knock it on the head, the dysfunctional family dynamic where the son gets to decide who his dad dates isn’t worth the head-space.

it could easily be the case that the grandparents are not in good health and the son doesn't want a virtual stranger gatecrashing what could potentially be the last family Christmas. We just don't know. That the OP jumped straight to 'hissy fit' and refuses to consider the possibility she might have said or done something to offend him says more about her than it does about him.

@Darkcat No real advice but if your DP is not backing you or trying to talk to his DS, you need to head for the nearest exit. His DS is 28 and a bit too old to act like this. I cannot imagine you wanting to deal with this for the rest of your life.

Agree.

If your partner says nothing even now then a precedent will have been set for the future and unfortunately I think you'll find yourself frequently not invited to birthdays and other family celebrations. I think that will affect the long term viability of your relationship.

Your DP is the problem here. He needed to have dealt with this better

you’re not a priority to him.

time to give him his cards

I'd break up with the partner specifically for this reason and ruin everyone's Christmas. Have the Dad be mad at his 28yr old son and upset the whole day and let WW3 continue without me.

28yrs old is way way too old to be taking dislikes to people girlfriends and dictating who can attend Christmas. At 28yrs old you have the option to just 'make plans yourself' or 'get on with things'

That is - taking everything you say at face value, and that nothing specific has happened.

You don't need to be involved in a family like that. Lucky escape.

Am I the only one that sees a trend with a vast majority of these posts and the replies?

No information! No detail! Just some vague comments, predictable self-protecting "I did nothing" statement, and a click-bait title with info that isn't mirrored in the main body.

People, please stop giving your valuable time to one-sided shallow posts where the OP obviously doesn't care to give any more info than what is necessary to set the hook in your drama-hungry mouths.

Of course the OP has done ‘something’! She just may not know what it is.

The son may resent his father's new flame.
That's a common and very normal reaction - not a hissy fit.
I'd expect no less from my own son if DH ran off with another woman, especially if she were closer to DS's age than DH's.

Who is op in a relationship with and sharing a bed with. He's probably worried about his living situation and being asked to move to his own place. The relationship is getting far too serious for him and he has to squash that shit quick.

It depends on who she spends most of her time with her mother or father. I don't think it's unreasonable her wanting to spend Christmas with her dad if she is mostly with her mum.

Thank you. I am thinking the same.

Your partner is the main problem here.

His reaction should been to tell his adult son that he cannot dictate who he welcomes in his own home and that he will spend Christmas with you only if his family is being difficult.

If he has just allowed the issue to fester then you would be wise to cut your losses and find someone who will stand up for you.

However if the story is that you were the "other woman" and this why his son is refusing to play happy family then I am afraid I have some sympathy for him...

I would consider this relationship on a hiding to nothing and quit now. It will clearly only get more miserable and bitter.
Have a cosy Christmas the way you like it and cut off all contact with the lot of them.

Given that the word partner has lost all meaning, we can’t really offer advice. An actual long term partner of many years shouldn’t be excluded without a good reason.

Perhaps though you are really just a girlfriend. You haven’t given us enough information.

My own father tried to start bringing his girlfriend to family holiday gatherings just a few months after my mother died. You can bet his adult children had a hissy fit despite having no problem with her personally.

Fast forward many years and she is part of the family. These things take time.

Let’s see…because his son is 28 and presumably, he didn’t have him at 12?…there is old and there is old and there is annoying too 👀

He could have had his son at 17. My mum had me at 19

I was never the other woman he’d been divorced 5 years when I met him.

Mumsnetters always come up with scenarios to make the OP look bad. It's a recurring theme across the boards in lots of threads

it is your partner’s home or the son’s home? That makes a difference. If you are invited to the son’s home, the son has a say who comes to his home, plus there is cost and time factors. If the son is coming to your partner’s home, then tough, the son has to accept you in his dad’s life & shut up and the son needs to keep his opinions to himself.

The son lives with his dad as far as I'm aware

Depends on how long the OP has been dating the husband. Anything more than 6 months and the son has to shut up & accept his father has a life/has moved on from the son’s mother. Plus, the husband needs to defend the OP & explain the new partner is non-negotiable. Also, the spirit of Christmas is that everyone is meant to be charitable.