Husband refusing family Xmas day!

[Holidaywoes12]

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

I don't think you should make him have a 'family Christmas' if he wants peace and quiet. You sound like it's your way of the highway.

he can't control where you go though. If you want to see your father and/ or brother, great - you go to them.

I think you have to do what YOU think is the right thing for all concerned. Most of us have an inbuild moral code, I believe, and that should guide you. It does sound as if he is controlling ( or trying to control) you. He should sort out his problems with his family and be happy to have your family members on this special day. However, for future years, maybe a change of venue ( someone else's house/ a restaurant) might be a good compromise.
In the end, though, do what you think is the best and let him make his own decision about what he'll be doing that day.

There are many unreasonable people, your Husband seems one.
In the Season of Goodwill, one day is for the family. Remind him.

Easily solved; you go to your dad's or wherever,taking christmas dinner with you. Give your husband the name of an open chip shop!

He can always go upstairs if he wants to be miserable and be alone, you’re aloud to be happy. Who is he to tell you you can’t see your family. That’s controlling and not supportive. Sounds like he wants you to be as miserable and disconnected from your family as he is. Imagine you both sat there alone miserable or Christmas Day.

Why does he get to control it and why do you not get to have an opinion?!

He’s being emotionally abusive and controlling. He’s isolating you intentionally from people that love you. Not okay at all. You need to take a serious look at how he treats you

Who actually gets the final say every single year in this situation? Not him for sure, she does, every single year, even though she knows he wants a family Christmas with just them, and you think he's the one in control? Really?!
Seems like he's the one who's not having his opinion listened to at all.

My DH doesn’t like a family Christmas. His weren’t great growing up and he likes to protect his peace. Fair enough, I do Christmas with my family and no one expects to see him. He’d never ask me to give my Christmas up though, and I wouldn’t.

Seems like he’s been quite happy to have a family Xmas when he was in contact with his own family. It’s only now he’s gone non
contact that he wants a quiet nuclear Xmas because he doesn’t want to be reminded that he’s gone NC with his own family.

When are you going to divorce this prick. He sounds absolutely horrible.

@SwingTheMonkey I feel the same as you. I could never be with anyone who would see someone alone at because they wanted their ‘own little family’ or their ‘safe space’

Those values are so different to mine, so selfish and downright mean. I’d hate to live like that.

If you read all the ops posts you'll actually see he has never been happy about it, not just this year when he's gone NC with his family and the OP also said he had very good reason to go NC.

So from another perspective, my husband is autistic, and finds times like Christmas quite overwhelming. Despite knowing my parents for 20+ years he still finds it uncomfortable having them over and doing the whole friendly chatting thing, all feels a bit forced for him, even with his own mum there, it’s all just a bit busy.
is it possible that your DH could be a little ND, and is finding it hard to communicate that he just wants a peaceful day without all the pomp and pageantry that hosting Christmas brings? I’m sure he’s not disregarding your other family members needs but rather just trying to consider his own too.
no doubt he’s feeling bad that he’s not in good terms with his own family too, maybe his heart just isn’t in it?

Can your husband not just manage for one day - for the sake of the wider family.

I say this as a parent of a ND child. We make a lot of concessions but she knows that Christmas is non negotiable and she needs to accommodate others - she can go off to a quiet corner when she needs to

H should just suck it up and be miserable. It's Christmas and you have to see family. He can look forward to January.

This 100%. Was my first thought. Was common tactic used by my own (abusive) ExH.

This is called gaslighting. Or triangulation.

From the snippets I’ve picked up, this behaviour appears not to be restricted to Christmas. OP does your H spoil other things that you enjoy/look forward to/etc.? Do you avoid certain things because it triggers sulking and silent treatment?

So he rules everything every single day.

Christmas is one day per year. If he finds it intolerable then why doesn’t he book himself into a hotel room for the day and order room service and not speak to anyone

I would take him at his word and leave him to it

Exh used to engineer an argument the day before we were due to go away, every single time. Then he would say he wasn’t going on holiday.
Dc would be upset until the day they weren’t. They just got bored of his behaviour..

I unpacked his clothes and when we got up the following day exh asked where his case was, back in the loft as he said he wasn’t coming
Told him we would be going at a certain time and dc and I were nearly ready
Cue exh grabbing and packing everything he thought he needed in order to be on time to leave

He never did it again

Your husband needs to get a life and change his attitude. We have over who ever wants to come mainly my wife's family. My wife's mother never spoke to me for twenty years but still had her over for Christmas. It was her problem not mine. I tolerate them for my wife's sake and cook dinner to. If your miserable husband can't give you this joy for a few days at Christmas then I suggest you make so he's not your husband next Christmas. He's controlling and selfish, you deserve better.

Absolutely. It’s just at Christmas, this is a general behaviour pattern.

OP i realise i am going off track a bit here but do you want to stay with your husband. He won't change his attitude and his disrespect and it is not healthy for children to hear and see.
I had a similar background, dad was awful at Christmas, it became a dread for many years as he would kick off about something or other. The way he speaks about your family is awful, but i know if you leave him alone on Christmas day, you will have hell to pay. Been there, seen this!
He is controlling, and if you continue to let him, he will continue to do it. Tell him your father and brother are coming, he can have his lunch early and go upstairs until they go, if he wishes to be antisocial. It is almost impossible to compromise with a controlling partner.

So there you have it "he rules every day" that's why he doesn't like Christmas, it has it's own rules and he is not in charge.
The real question is why would you stay with such a psychotic control freak?