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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 18/12/2025 20:36

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

Can you all go to a family members home and leave him alone? That will be nice and quiet for him.

He’s a dickhead. He purposely ruins Christmas for you every year, he gives you dirty looks, he’s homophobic. What attracted you to this man?

Purplewarrior · 18/12/2025 20:37

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 20:35

Its not been ignored, its been noted a number of times thank you, but in the same way I will not leave my father on his own for Xmas, I wont leave my husband on his own either.

But your husband wants peace and quiet.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/12/2025 20:40

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 20:35

Its not been ignored, its been noted a number of times thank you, but in the same way I will not leave my father on his own for Xmas, I wont leave my husband on his own either.

Ah well then...
Listen good luck to you (...& the kids) you all sound like you need it....

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 20:42

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · 18/12/2025 20:31

I’m really sorry OP, I would find this really hard to live with. You are not being unreasonable, his estrangement from his family doesn’t mean you can’t be allowed to see yours?! So this argument happens every year - what normally happens to make him relent and you go ahead? I mean what would happen if you simply went ahead (as usual) and just said it was too late for others to make arrangements now? Sour puss looks / huff / face like a slapped arse but it sounds like you’ve survived this behaviour from him times. Maybe you can all sit down together and watch Jim Carey in The Grinch (you might have to strap him in but try to get to the end where the grinch’s heart beats and he finally discovers the meaning of Christmas, perhaps this grinch will thaw too!)

he allows it to happen nothing really happens or changes, silent treatment and grumpiness and snapping.

OP posts:
Perimama · 18/12/2025 20:42

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 20:35

Its not been ignored, its been noted a number of times thank you, but in the same way I will not leave my father on his own for Xmas, I wont leave my husband on his own either.

How can you stay with someone who is so hostile and homophobic. What kind of example is he to your children?

Phase42 · 18/12/2025 20:43

He sounds awful. They say that how a man treats his mother is indicative of how he'll treat you in time...

user1492757084 · 18/12/2025 20:45

Tell him every day is quiet.
Stress that it is his noise about Christmas guests that is the loudest and most uncomfortable of all things about the Christmas period.
It is one day.
Share it with your family and ignore husband.
You, personally, issue an invitation to his family and then leave it up to them.
Organise the day to suit you, the kids and the guests.

If Miser Meanie is sulking under the stairs, no one will notice.
He is so manipulative; don't listen to his complaints.
Tell him he is welcome to take the car and have a quiet day to himself once he has exchanged pleasantries with his children.
Put his absence down to him having a gastro.

Speckly · 18/12/2025 20:46

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:15

He says its the other way around and asks where his say is in this that he doesnt want anyone around? And hes making me think

Look up ‘gaslighting behaviours’. Basically he’s making it all your fault 🤦🏻‍♀️🚩🚩🚩

Yourlifeinyourhands · 18/12/2025 20:47

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

But he’s being the abnormal one! See your family and leave him alone… nice and quiet for him then!

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 20:48

Purplewarrior · 18/12/2025 20:37

But your husband wants peace and quiet.

He would hate if his family upped and left him reallly. The hell that would insue afterwards is not worth it.

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 20:49

YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 21:24

You know, if a woman posted that she'd had to have her in laws over every single Christmas Day at her husband's insistence... most people would be saying it's reasonable to not want to do that every year. I'm team DH - compromise is needed here and it sounds like it's all been your way so far.

Same! But it’s mn so a dh not doing exactly what his wife wants is the bad one of course…. Op insisting they host her family is of course in the right 🙄

OriginalUsername2 · 18/12/2025 20:49

Silent treatment is abusive btw.

choccytime · 18/12/2025 20:55

What an absolute prat , but actually you're as bad cos you won't stand up to him. Why are you pandering to him , the whole situation is very weird

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 20:56

choccytime · 18/12/2025 20:55

What an absolute prat , but actually you're as bad cos you won't stand up to him. Why are you pandering to him , the whole situation is very weird

So he should pander to her and host festivities again he doesn’t want in his home?

Dawnb19 · 18/12/2025 20:58

Tell him no and to stop being controlling and the whole silent treatment is horrible. Christmas is a family holiday that happens for one day a year. And it's only 2 extra people. It's not like you have a house full.

Whatsthatsheila · 18/12/2025 21:07

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:31

But it's every year. Why should here wishes trump his every year?

Cos hes a miserable tw@t that doesn’t want her and their kids to spend Christmas with their family?

cornflakecrunchie · 18/12/2025 21:07

From @Holidaywoes12 last post, he definitely sounds abusive.
But obviously, Holidaywoes doesn't really want any answers / help..

ThatOliveHedgehog · 18/12/2025 21:08

Pretty shocked by all the comments. My widowed father in law comes to us every Christmas. There will never be a year he isn’t welcomed by me. My DH is also always welcoming of my family being hosted in our home any time of the year. So I’m team OP here. He sounds like a misery and massively controlling. Let alone the homophobia everyone is casually sweeping under the carpet.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 21:08

Whatsthatsheila · 18/12/2025 21:07

Cos hes a miserable tw@t that doesn’t want her and their kids to spend Christmas with their family?

So why don’t her family host and pay and he gets the quiet Christmas?

Ilikeryebread · 18/12/2025 21:14

bignewprinz · 17/12/2025 21:17

I love mumsnet, but I am consistently staggered and upset by how many awful husbands and partners are out there. This is another one. Tell him to FUCK OFF.

THIS

I wonder what universe some people live in where they even consider this is normal way for an adult male to act.

As many have said, he likes to be alone, leave him alone and tell him you are seeing your family and he can go to therapy or whatever, or just grow the fuck up.

pineapplesundae · 18/12/2025 21:15

Sometimes.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 21:20

It’s really interesting to see how many posters have the view of “you want it, it happens” so next time an op posts of how exhausted she is of having the in-laws round all the time, that the consensus will be to call her a selfish prick and that she has no right to decide who can come to her home and when!

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 21:24

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 21:20

It’s really interesting to see how many posters have the view of “you want it, it happens” so next time an op posts of how exhausted she is of having the in-laws round all the time, that the consensus will be to call her a selfish prick and that she has no right to decide who can come to her home and when!

Ive actually never complained about having the in laws join us for the festivities and willingly host or be hosted if its what DH wants.

OP posts:
Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 21:25

cornflakecrunchie · 18/12/2025 21:07

From @Holidaywoes12 last post, he definitely sounds abusive.
But obviously, Holidaywoes doesn't really want any answers / help..

I am actualky taking all comments in and thinking through them

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 21:26

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 21:24

Ive actually never complained about having the in laws join us for the festivities and willingly host or be hosted if its what DH wants.

Edited

So if he wants the festivities you want that’s good, but if he doesn’t? Stuff him!