I have read your post and your responses. It was perfectly clear that you were talking about Christmas traditions before your husband, and it was pretty obvious from the description of your husband's (repeated) behaviour that there was an element of abuse. So I don't really agree that you've drip fed.
The fact that your husband starts in October every year, has the whole histrionic behaviour going on, acting like a brat and a martyr, shows it's control.
My husband used to do it on a smaller scale when I'd ask him to take me to Ikea. In my husband's defense, it was pretty regularly. He'd be all dramatic, we'd argue for ages (felt like it anyway). I'd beg. He'd give in. He'd be a bit stroppy. On the way home, he'd be like, aren't I the hero for taking you to Ikea, you must be grateful. Not literally, but implied.
It was a pattern. It pretty much became like a rehearsal /performance. He was always going to take me but he had to create a drama first. It was exhausting. And when I recognised it - it was only ever Ikea - and brought it up, in fairness, he hadn't really realised (🤷🏼♀️) and he did stop.
But it was about control and dominance. And maybe it's become a bit of a tradition for him?
However, it doesn't sound like he's going to stop.
He says you should respect his wishes, yet is comfortable disrepecting your dad, and you, by calling your dad, that old fxxxer??
How does he talk about his own family?
What does he refer to you as behind your back?
This is really concerning. 😬 it sounds like he needs to speak to someone.