Husband refusing family Xmas day!

[Holidaywoes12]

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

I would 100% say the same thing to a woman who thought it acceptable to leave family members to have Xmas alone.

Technically the op has a brother so he could go to the brothers or the brother to him.

I can imagine this becoming me and dh tho if his dad dies first. Mil isn’t necessarily nasty but she can’t ever not moan about something and it just changes the whole tone of the entire house when she is here even the children get on edge and ask why does she do/say that.

So id want every other year off having her and yes dh does cook the Christmas dinner and we share the after clean up.

If Mil goes first it won’t be a problem fil would either go on holiday or want people to his house and his actually easy going and you can have a laugh with him.

I'm hoping that this you are joking but unfortunately I don't think you are.

OP's husband dislikes her brother because he is gay and calls her widowed dad that 'fucker'.

I think that she has spent enough energy on supporting and pandering to him throughout the year. She deserves to be able to see her dad and brother at Christmas, especially now that her mum has died. It's hardly as though her DH has to socialise with them all year round. She could go to her dad's to spend Christmas with him and her brother but she is worried about leaving her DH on his own at home.

When OP's DH was speaking to his family, OP welcome them into their home on Christmas Day. OP's DH has massive double standards.

she can’t ever not moan about something and it just changes the whole tone of the entire house when she is here even the children get on edge and ask why does she do/say that.

Doesn't fit my example because you have explained why your MIL is a difficult guest.

Dh would say she’s not a problem though much like op says there is no reason for her dh not to want her dad there.

He wouldn’t think her moans are more than passing chit chat rather than her just never having anything positive to say.

People seem to have missed this.

@Holidaywoes12 It is a classic sign of an abusive husband to always cause problems and arguments whenever there is a family event coming up. Especially if the event is about you or the DC, e.g. your birthday, holiday for the DC, etc.
Basically abusers don't like it when the attention is not on them. They can't bear not being the most special one in the room.
He wants to feel that you are always putting him first and he is always foremost in your mind and top of your priority list.
Does this sound like him?
If so, read up on abusive relationships and have your eyes open going forward.

For now, insist that it is too late to change Christmas plans now, but next year and every second year you will not have any visitors so it is just you, him and the DC. It is only fair that you alternate on your wishes.
Your DB needs to step up next year and spend Christmas day with his dad (without you hosting), and do this every other year.

@Holidaywoes12 This!!!

@Holidaywoes12

Also this, go to your dad’s, have a jolly family gathering there, and leave DH to have his ‘peace’!

@Holidaywoes12
You know that having your family over is a chore for your husband, because you say he is never really enthusiastic about them coming, yet they nearly always come.
Would it be nice if he were truly happy to have them? Obviously yes. Is this a realistic possibility? Probably no.
Some people really only feel comfortable around certain others and while they can pretend to feel otherwise, and make an effort to be sociable, it doesn’t mean they like to and really only do it for others, in your case, for you.

It’s easy for mumsnetters to start name calling. Miserable, selfish and so on, and the usual “leave him” etc. But what I fail to see is that when you love and know someone, you can only expect them to be themselves, not some other person entirely. You aren’t going to magic up a husband who suddenly enjoys entertaining your family!

You both enjoy different things. Alternate years. One year you can relax with just you guys and you can visit relatives on other days over the festive period, and the next year he can host your family without grumbling.
Your brother can share responsibility by visiting and being with his own father too.

Haven't RTFT but from reading your original post alone I'd say absolutely fucking not!!

I had one of them and it's fucking shit!!

Just because he wants NC with his own family doesn't mean he gets to dictate to you that you cannot see your own family.

No way.

Given the other shouting, being grumpy and silent treatments you've mentioned, I'm going to say your DH sounds like a twat - or, more generously, a troubled individual with birth family complexities that come to the fore at Christmas.

Re the issue at hand: he's lost half (?) his family due to said complexities, so is asking you to lose yours as well. Unreasonable, clearly - but what does he actually want? It could be the 25th to be you two and DC only, other family members to be tolerated on other days. It might be that he doesn't really want to celebrate Christmas. Or he could be acting vindictively because your birth family relations are more comfortable than his.

Tbh, it would be easier in a lot of ways if he just fucked off to a nearby hotel to entertain himself in peace, coming home for a few hours to join the present-opening ritual. Would he prefer this?

Otherwise, discuss a Christmas at FIL's with your brother and your kids.

It hurts. But your husband obviously has issues about Christmas. How about you have a Christmas without visitors then in a couple of months time have a family day without the pressure of it being Christmas. I know it sounds weird but my friend had a similar issue and now they enjoy a quiet Christmas and a no pressure not-quite-Christmas in February with the wider family.

You think, with 4 days to go, she should tell her brother and elderly father that they are uninvited to Xmas?

Christmas is complicated for a lot of people. Yes, she should go ahead as planned but this is something to consider in future years. It is just a suggestion.
We celebrate Christmas earlier in December as I can't cope with all the Christmas Day complications. I had years of stress and anxiety and can't do that to myself any more. Christmas Day is a quiet day for us now. Merry Christmas

The story remains the same throughout. I hope you are more pleasant to people in real life than you are on the internet. The screen you hide behind can only protect you so much :)

Oh deary me your one of those who has nothing better to do arent you :) you cant add anything of any substance to any debate or conversation so your poor little brain has to revert to the only thing its ever known, insults and projections. Bless you to have to live such a pitiful existence

😂😂😂 yes love my two hours of scrolling clearly means iam soooooooooo pitiful. Yet you are here still replying 😉

That's ok, the two of you can argue while the rest of us run far, far away..

Disregard, and have them over.

In also team dh because a good relationshiop is compromises so you've had them every year to visit this year go to there's and do your thing...me and my hubby barely ever fall out because compromising and communication and caring about the others needs is very important

Reading some of the responses I’m honestly so glad I married someone with the same values as me. Neither of us would see a family member or friend spend Christmas alone. I just couldn’t be married so someone so heartless.

We have had a very very long discussion. Compromise is important yes but my upset more so comes from DH’s attitude in general towards things and the unnecessary hassle that happens, not just at Christmas.

I’d listen carefully to those posters who’ve said that a person who can’t let an occasion go past without creating some kind of awful fuss or problem is a massive red flag…