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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
Whatsthatsheila · 17/12/2025 21:29

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

But he’s not respecting your wishes….

RightSheSaid · 17/12/2025 21:29

@Holidaywoes12 does he ruin all of your celebrations or is it just Christmas?

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:30

IdaGlossop · 17/12/2025 21:11

Your husband sounds quite controlling. Where is your power in this relationship? Giving you the silent treatment is a childish way to resolve a disagreement. Why should you uninvite your family because your DH wants to wallow in self pity?

It's odd, but she sounds like the controlling one. Every year, every single year,her family come to them. The brother she doesn't see from one Christmas to the next rocks up. "It's a no brainer my father's coming" that sounds really dreadful. Why can't dad go to the brothers for once?

She doesn't say who pays for all the food, booze, chocolate etc.

Could your husband just once have a Christmas without your family? Just the 2 of you and the kids. Could your brother host just once? Would it hurt just once?

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:30

RightSheSaid · 17/12/2025 21:29

@Holidaywoes12 does he ruin all of your celebrations or is it just Christmas?

There is usually an upheavle when there is something on yes or a problem I did not see coming.

OP posts:
NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:31

Whatsthatsheila · 17/12/2025 21:29

But he’s not respecting your wishes….

But it's every year. Why should here wishes trump his every year?

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 17/12/2025 21:31

This kind of twatness is all over MN all the time.
Tell him to fuck off and stay there.

Hippiedippi · 17/12/2025 21:31

I’m gonna go against the grain here and say that I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a quiet Christmas in your own home. Hosting people is stressful and Christmas can be a triggering time for people with complex family dynamics so completely understand why someone would want peace. Surely another family member is happy to host if you’ve done it in previous years?

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:31

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:30

It's odd, but she sounds like the controlling one. Every year, every single year,her family come to them. The brother she doesn't see from one Christmas to the next rocks up. "It's a no brainer my father's coming" that sounds really dreadful. Why can't dad go to the brothers for once?

She doesn't say who pays for all the food, booze, chocolate etc.

Could your husband just once have a Christmas without your family? Just the 2 of you and the kids. Could your brother host just once? Would it hurt just once?

Please read my reply further up :) I pay for Christmas, everything and do all the work that goes with it.

OP posts:
bignewprinz · 17/12/2025 21:32

Amazing to read a couple of posts defending a man who uses silent treatment AKA abuse to try and get his own way.

aneelli · 17/12/2025 21:32

Why are you with him? This is disgraceful behaviour, he chooses not to see or speak to his family but why does it mean u can’t see yours? I honestly couldn’t stay with someone like that, making ur life miserable for a whole month and for what.

JassyRadlett · 17/12/2025 21:34

Silent treatment etc is appallingly bad an honestly I probably couldn't be with someone who behaved like this, and his argument of "I'm going to be miserable without my family at Christmas so I want everyone else to feel
that way with me" is selfish and self-absorbed.

But assuming that you want to stay in this relationship and he has redeeming qualities... when does he get the Christmas he wants?

You're clear on what's important to you. He's trying to be similarly clear on what's important to him. Does he ever get a year for his approach? Is there any compromise to be had here?

Dont get me wrong, my preferred Christmas is closer to yours and I rarely get it as we're on the other side of the world from my (fairly large) family and for various reasons we don't spend Christmas Day with DH's, and I've come to love our nuclear family Christmases too - so I can see from your DH's point of view if that's what he's hankering after it could be frustrating never to get it.

YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 21:34

bignewprinz · 17/12/2025 21:32

Amazing to read a couple of posts defending a man who uses silent treatment AKA abuse to try and get his own way.

It's not 'abuse' to be pissed off with your wife because she insists on having her family over every single year for Christmas Dinner. Ffs. If that's 'abuse', then OP is equally abusive for completely disregarding DH's wishes.

In reality, it sounds like neither is abusive, they just want different things, so perhaps they should alternate years between a quiet and then a bigger family Christmas. Or something like that.

bignewprinz · 17/12/2025 21:36

@YourZippyHare an abuse apologist, lovely.

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:36

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:31

Please read my reply further up :) I pay for Christmas, everything and do all the work that goes with it.

Exactly you pay, not your father, nor your brother you. Money which could be spend on your kids....I have no issue with seeing your family but it's every year. Your husband has people in his house every year...the fil who must live close as it's ok for him to come to not your brother. The bil he sees once a year so can't have much of a relationship with.... could you not just one year have a break from it?

toomuchfaff · 17/12/2025 21:37

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

He can have his Christmas, you have yours. He has enough time to make plans and fuck off, or he can simply stay in bed all day.

Purplewarrior · 17/12/2025 21:37

He wants a quiet Christmas? Perfect!

You go to your family’s house and do Christmas there.

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:38

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:28

Well my father he would be alone because he is too old to travel to brothers house. I only see my brother once a year during Christmas, he does not come every christmas, sometimes its just boxing day, sometimes its new years, the argument with my husband is the same regardless. I have hosted Christmas for his family in the past and willingly gone for Christmas meals at the in laws during the festive period without an uproar.

@NotAnotherScarf heres the comment, brother does not come every year, but sometime over the festive period yes, his family have come in the past and I have never complained, and I have always willingly gone to in laws with him over the feative period. Dad is elderly and brother lives some 110 miles away so its easier for him to jump in the car and come up :) but yes I do hear what my husband is saying, i have never had a Christmas where he was willing for my family to be there though but I have always been willing to have his family.

OP posts:
NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:40

aneelli · 17/12/2025 21:32

Why are you with him? This is disgraceful behaviour, he chooses not to see or speak to his family but why does it mean u can’t see yours? I honestly couldn’t stay with someone like that, making ur life miserable for a whole month and for what.

And I couldn't be with someone who put their father and brother before me all the time, who never gives me the Christmas I would like, who rides roughshod over my feelings despite me saying 3 months ago I'd like a quiet one.

It's every year. Not just a one off. He just wants a quiet Christmas but never gets one.

YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 21:40

bignewprinz · 17/12/2025 21:36

@YourZippyHare an abuse apologist, lovely.

Another hysterical person online claiming 'abuse' is happening over something relatively minor. I don't like the silent treatment any more than you do, but some balance is needed here. It is also bad behaviour in a relationship to expect to be able to ride roughshod over a partner's wishes.

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:41

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:40

And I couldn't be with someone who put their father and brother before me all the time, who never gives me the Christmas I would like, who rides roughshod over my feelings despite me saying 3 months ago I'd like a quiet one.

It's every year. Not just a one off. He just wants a quiet Christmas but never gets one.

I do here what he is saying, but I just couldnt bare the thought of my father being alone christmas day, because he would be.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/12/2025 21:41

What a miserable dick.
its not even like he has to travel or cook...

I'd tell him to fuck off to a premier inn/holiday inn forever 72 hours

EsmeSusanOgg · 17/12/2025 21:42

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

You are. But telling him to go stay somewhere else.

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:43

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:38

@NotAnotherScarf heres the comment, brother does not come every year, but sometime over the festive period yes, his family have come in the past and I have never complained, and I have always willingly gone to in laws with him over the feative period. Dad is elderly and brother lives some 110 miles away so its easier for him to jump in the car and come up :) but yes I do hear what my husband is saying, i have never had a Christmas where he was willing for my family to be there though but I have always been willing to have his family.

Edited

But how many times have they not come. 110 miles so not as far as Bristol to London but your brother only comes to visit once a year? Like the prodigal son you kill the fatted calf and wine and dine him and then he goes on his merry way for another year...

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:43

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:41

I do here what he is saying, but I just couldnt bare the thought of my father being alone christmas day, because he would be.

Not if your brother actually took some of load and went to dad's and cooked

2chocolateoranges · 17/12/2025 21:44

Does he control other aspects of your life?

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