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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

164 replies

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:39

We have 2 children one is 5 , the other 11 months (due to start childcare in Jan ). My partner has been offered a new job by his old boss more money and more exciting job.

The problem is he would have to stay away one night a week (4 hours away ) leaving the house at 5/6am returning back the next day at 10pm. I work in a job I enjoy compressed hours having Thursdays off and doing a few hours on a Friday. I then start early and work once kids are in bed . I go into London 2-4 times a month depending on meetings etc (mainly all external). I'm not seeing how we could make this work without majorly compromising our lifestyle. We both wfh at the moment , Monday - Wed i tend to do a couple of hours work between 6 and 8 then do the school run, I would not be able to juggle this on his days away. The deal was I do school runs 5 days a week, he does the Childminders 2 days again I don't think this would happen . Right now we have a nice balance , compared to most people I know.

The only way I can see it working is we have a nanny (which defeats the pay rise object) or i fully drop a day a week which would mean loosing 17k a year . I dont want to do this as I like having enough money so if he leaves for whatever reason me and the kids don't have to move etc etc .

Lastly we have medical insurance through his work and I'm waiting for complicated major surgery and our insurance is via his work.

AIBU to say I don't want him to take it ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:43

Just to add we don't need the extra money it's a nice to have situation and isn't massive amounts

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/12/2025 20:43

You say ‘partner’ not ‘husband’, so IMO as your post implies you’re not wealthy you shouldn’t compromise your work for his.

toomuchfaff · 17/12/2025 20:43

Ask him what his suggestions are for childcare and household activities to enable him to take the job?

Original poster
Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:45

We are getting married in March . I have family wealth as such , but even still i don't want to depend on my family. So I want to feel secure on my own if anything happens .

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/12/2025 20:45

nanny won’t be affordable. Dropping a day a week will be detrimental to your pension and likely also your career.

Original poster
Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:46

Dozer · 17/12/2025 20:45

nanny won’t be affordable. Dropping a day a week will be detrimental to your pension and likely also your career.

Thanks for the response .We would only need a nanny two days and could afford it . However as you say I absolutely don't want to put myself in this situation. He is the higher earner. But I have a very wealthy Dad who left multiple women and I'm not risking it for myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:48

toomuchfaff · 17/12/2025 20:43

Ask him what his suggestions are for childcare and household activities to enable him to take the job?

He suggests a nanny for the two days a week he would be in Childminders. However to me his pay rise is just covering this cost which seems ridiculous. When he will be missing the boys for two days a week . I cant see him taking it and my career not taking a massive hit and my stress levels !

OP posts:
SodiumNitritePlease · 17/12/2025 20:49

Of course you can say you don’t want him to take it but you can’t say he can’t take it (as the title of your post)

Minnie798 · 17/12/2025 20:50

If you were offered a new job that you were excited about and wanted to take but your dp said you couldn't , how would you feel?
I personally wouldn't be impressed and I'd expect us to figure out a way to make it work- together.

Original poster
Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:53

He hasn't said he will take it. And quite frankly I would not be able to take the job he has been offered as the house wouldn't work with me away 2 days a week. So I'm not sure why it should be any diffent for him .

If you have a family it's a family decision. Not just your decision. Noone is telling anyone what to do clearly we are going to discuss it .

OP posts:
Original poster
Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:54

SodiumNitritePlease · 17/12/2025 20:49

Of course you can say you don’t want him to take it but you can’t say he can’t take it (as the title of your post)

We are going to sit down to discuss it . I more sowant people's views on the situation not how we discuss it , maybe I should have worded the title better....

OP posts:
SodiumNitritePlease · 17/12/2025 20:56

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:53

He hasn't said he will take it. And quite frankly I would not be able to take the job he has been offered as the house wouldn't work with me away 2 days a week. So I'm not sure why it should be any diffent for him .

If you have a family it's a family decision. Not just your decision. Noone is telling anyone what to do clearly we are going to discuss it .

But your title says AIBU to tell him he can’t take the job offer. Obviously, you agree that you WBU to tell him he can’t take it.

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 17/12/2025 20:56

I don’t think YABU OP. You’re a team and this would negatively affect you massively.

I wouldn’t be impressed if my DH was considering a job like this which would increase my stress levels less than a year after giving birth.

Why does he want a stranger caring for his kids for long days?

it just isn’t feasible and is unfair on you. He should be supporting you getting back into you career after 2 children.

FestiveBauble · 17/12/2025 20:57

Which night a week does he need to stay away? Would it not work if he stayed away Wednesday nights as then on Thursday if you’re not working that day then the school runs etc are compromised? Then he’s back late Thursday ready to help again on Friday? Especially if you’re wfh on the weds too?

Then he does childminder mon / turs, works away weds - thurs and is back Fri?

Prelim · 17/12/2025 20:58

If I wanted to take a job like that, my husband would be 100% behind me. It’s so important to have a job that excites and challenges you. Taking the hit for a nanny for a bit would be fine for us due to the potential gains. If it doesn’t work for you, then fair enough, but it needs to be properly discussed and not just shut down. Would he really not support you taking a job like that?

Original poster
Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:02

Prelim · 17/12/2025 20:58

If I wanted to take a job like that, my husband would be 100% behind me. It’s so important to have a job that excites and challenges you. Taking the hit for a nanny for a bit would be fine for us due to the potential gains. If it doesn’t work for you, then fair enough, but it needs to be properly discussed and not just shut down. Would he really not support you taking a job like that?

He absolutely would not support me , no. My mum has to come over to help with the kids when I'm in London, maybe I would feel diffrent then . He also only started his current job in March (promotion) and is enjoying it . I also do support him , our baby was in NICU for a good while when born and he didn't want to take any extra leave from work due to trying for this promotion which I 100% supported in. In almost 6 years he's had to take one day off sick with the kids , I do it all . I just feel me doing all schools , compressing hours , sick days and then this . Might impact my career and mental health .

Someone else asked about his days, apparently they change weekly i did suggest the Wednesday and Thursday which it would be some weeks and not others . I'm assuming this depends on meetings etc. But obviously this would have helped.

OP posts:
Dozer · 17/12/2025 21:05

So you’d do everything you do now and nanny for ‘his’ days? Plus cover more sick days (noting that your 1 yo is about to start childcare, which will likely mean lots of bugs)

Few fathers support their wife doing this.

If he is a high earner he has other work choices.

beAsensible1 · 17/12/2025 21:08

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:02

He absolutely would not support me , no. My mum has to come over to help with the kids when I'm in London, maybe I would feel diffrent then . He also only started his current job in March (promotion) and is enjoying it . I also do support him , our baby was in NICU for a good while when born and he didn't want to take any extra leave from work due to trying for this promotion which I 100% supported in. In almost 6 years he's had to take one day off sick with the kids , I do it all . I just feel me doing all schools , compressing hours , sick days and then this . Might impact my career and mental health .

Someone else asked about his days, apparently they change weekly i did suggest the Wednesday and Thursday which it would be some weeks and not others . I'm assuming this depends on meetings etc. But obviously this would have helped.

Edited
Show quote history

With this context i understand your concern and it’s seems like bringing even more logistics and work in your part with not even enough financial gain to pay to sort.

I think you can state this to him and let him know that you are at the top of your manageable load and can’t take more.

if the role is worth it he has to take the hit financially and pay for the nanny to cover the time he’s away.

Bearbookagainandagain · 17/12/2025 21:08

YANBU, and in my opinion you can absolutely tell he cannot take the job.

He decided to have children, therefore he cannot take a job that will not allow him to assume his share of responsibilities as a parent.

Personally, I didn't sign up to be my husband's nanny whilst he's at work.

SodiumNitritePlease · 17/12/2025 21:11

Bearbookagainandagain · 17/12/2025 21:08

YANBU, and in my opinion you can absolutely tell he cannot take the job.

He decided to have children, therefore he cannot take a job that will not allow him to assume his share of responsibilities as a parent.

Personally, I didn't sign up to be my husband's nanny whilst he's at work.

Edited

I think they need to discuss how it would work and come to the conclusion together if it is untenable for family life rather than one party dictating whether he takes the job or not.

GooseOnMyGrave · 17/12/2025 21:13

Also, what nanny does he think to find that is happy to change her days every week? If the overnight is not set in stone, you won’t be able to find ad-hoc childcare.

Dozer · 17/12/2025 21:17

OK from your drip feed post it seems clear that he’s already a ‘facilitated’ man and wants to take that even further. To be a parent but work like he isn’t. It’s not reciprocal. He is prioritising himself and his personal career and earnings over you and your DC.

It’s not in your interests to continue like this and facilitate him in his next work option -which is an option not something he ‘needs’ to do.

Stop drafting your mum in on ‘his’ days.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/12/2025 21:27

beAsensible1 · 17/12/2025 21:08

With this context i understand your concern and it’s seems like bringing even more logistics and work in your part with not even enough financial gain to pay to sort.

I think you can state this to him and let him know that you are at the top of your manageable load and can’t take more.

if the role is worth it he has to take the hit financially and pay for the nanny to cover the time he’s away.

Show quote history

Yeah i agree with this.

Ideally I'd ask him to decline if he wont and
claims he realllllly wants it the deal would be.... he needs to pay for the level of childcare you deem necessary.... even of that means a pay cut (you wont "do more" to facilitate this) and is he happy with that?

My dh had a similar red flag job offer.
I said no its not right for the family.
i was cleae if he wasn't happy I'd support him leaving the current role and help find / apply/interview for other things but this was not the right role.
It took a lot of convincing as he was unhappy in his job at the time, was flattered by the attention and thought it was some silverbullet .....

Separately are you sure you do want to marry?
Given your families wealth and his lack of engagement in parenting ypu might be better off keeping finances separate

SpinningaCompass · 17/12/2025 21:27

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:53

He hasn't said he will take it. And quite frankly I would not be able to take the job he has been offered as the house wouldn't work with me away 2 days a week. So I'm not sure why it should be any diffent for him .

If you have a family it's a family decision. Not just your decision. Noone is telling anyone what to do clearly we are going to discuss it .

That is exactly what you should spell out to him: YOU couldn't take such a job at this stage in your family life because it wouldn't work for the family. He has the same responsibilities to your family that you do, and you are not there solely to pick up his slack at home for his unnecessary job CHOICE. And it is a choice, not a necessity, a choice right now. He has a good job that pays well and works for the family without hanging you out to pick up his fair share.

Original poster
Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:30

Sorry I didn't mean to drip feed , but was trying to keep it short . But yes in short my career has taken a hit , while I support his doing the bulk of childcare. He will do childminder pick up 2 days a week (well is meant to be he hasnt started yet). While I do all school runs, condense hours working late nights etc , cover sick days , sort when the kids are off school , all the mental load , 90% of house work (we do have cleaners a couple of house ' but have 2 kids and 2 dogs !).

If im in London my Mum/ brothers will do pick up .

I absolutely don't mind doing the hours fitting round the kids etc. But I do feel like this might stress me out too much. I'm not moaning about my children , I just think the balance will become even less fair . I have said to him not sure we'd make it if he took this job . He can't see why.

OP posts: