To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

[Hercthro]

We have 2 children one is 5 , the other 11 months (due to start childcare in Jan ). My partner has been offered a new job by his old boss more money and more exciting job.

The problem is he would have to stay away one night a week (4 hours away ) leaving the house at 5/6am returning back the next day at 10pm. I work in a job I enjoy compressed hours having Thursdays off and doing a few hours on a Friday. I then start early and work once kids are in bed . I go into London 2-4 times a month depending on meetings etc (mainly all external). I'm not seeing how we could make this work without majorly compromising our lifestyle. We both wfh at the moment , Monday - Wed i tend to do a couple of hours work between 6 and 8 then do the school run, I would not be able to juggle this on his days away. The deal was I do school runs 5 days a week, he does the Childminders 2 days again I don't think this would happen . Right now we have a nice balance , compared to most people I know.

The only way I can see it working is we have a nanny (which defeats the pay rise object) or i fully drop a day a week which would mean loosing 17k a year . I dont want to do this as I like having enough money so if he leaves for whatever reason me and the kids don't have to move etc etc .

Lastly we have medical insurance through his work and I'm waiting for complicated major surgery and our insurance is via his work.

AIBU to say I don't want him to take it ?

So OP, why are you with him if things are that horrendous that he doesn't like dealing at all with child care. He doesn't do anything around the house to help since you said you do 90% of it. He's looking to make your life more horrifying if he takes this other job, so why are you still with him? I have seen nothing but negative comments from you that all he's concerned with is his own career. It makes no logical sense to do nothing but ranting about him but you're not sold on being independent from him. BTW, I'll also cherry pick on a few key details you mentioned, since that's what posters love to do besides their .

I think we could make work , but we don't need to make it work . He just fancies a bit more money that we don't really need.

We both earn enough that we don't have to watch money each month, but as i said are getting some debt down right now. While more money would be nice, we live well and it's absolutely not needed . I would rather a good quality of life. And he could earn more money soon anyway. If we needed the money even for more luxuries I'd understand, but we genuinely don't.

As I've said we don't need the money. We are extremely lucky that my Dad pays for multiple family holidays a year, he even gives us money for (both of us) for shopping trips.

So since nearly 98% of the misandrist posters here are complaining that he's not worth anything, don't you think the extra money would be better served he would make to help pay down the debt? All of the "multiple family holidays a year" and "shopping trips" for you both you receive from your father could be put towards a nanny? Mind you of course who would think you're relying on your father for all of these luxuries - that's just neither here nor there. I'm sure you'll be much happier without him, so best of luck and just ignore the plans for March. As well I'm sure you'll find a reasonable insurance to cover your medical needs too - since how he's been treating you all of this time needs to be stopped since he has no redeeming qualities as you continue pointing out on the thread postings.

I would not be facilitating it. Sounds like you have already done lots of compromise and sacrifice. He sounds selfish and not a team player

Oh OP, you have far bigger issues than the job. I'm currently divorcing one of these. I had similar concerns to you prior to the wedding, I had an op and needed support after and had to move back to my mum's for a week because he 'couldnt' take the time off. I convinced myself it would change.. It didn't.

I did every single sick day for the kids up until we split, every doctor/dentist/school meeting/kids party, got very little support after either birth, he would make plans and just assume I would cover the kids but wouldn't reciprocate. I did all hospital stays and a&e visits for the DC - he would text repeatedly to see how long we would be and complain about the wait. I had to ask him to drop me to minor injuries for stitches once and I had to wait for his lunch break and it was still made clear it was an inconvenience. I got a taxi back.

I eventually put myself first and changed job for my own sanity and happiness, he said he was supportive and would pick up more slack with the kids, but in reality it lasted the whole of 10 weeks before his head was turned by someone at work 15 years his junior and threw our marriage away for a 6 week fling.

We now co-parent, he is having to flex his hours around the kids and run a house, and miraculously, his workplace hasn't burnt to the ground without his 24/7 presence. They can do it, they just don't respect us enough to put themselves out.

I'm only telling you this to highlight that while I know the idea of leaving now is hard, it's easier than living with what's to come. Strongly consider postponing the wedding OP. His reaction to you explaining you have serious concerns and need things to change before you can consider marrying him will tell you all you need to know. Your life would be so much easier with his maintenance payment and the ability to build a routine that suits you.

No the money couldn't be used to get a Nanny. We go on holidays with him as he enjoys treating us , the money for shopping is for just that. It's his money and I won't tell him how to spend it, he would be upset if I used it for anything else although asking him to pay for a Nanny would be wonderful but I never ask him for money he gives what he wants and I appreciate it very much . He loves treating me /us/kids it genuinely brings him joy and he loves the kids.

@NumbersGuy, I'd like to thank you. People are rarely willing to illustrate what they mean by misandry. If I'm reading you right here, it's man-hating to suppose men should take joint and equal responsibility for their families' wellbeing? That care of his home and children falls to the woman, whose role is to facilitate his chosen lifestyle?

In this case, you seem to feel it's right that her father also facilitates the man's choices. Unsure how that squares with an anti-misandry position, but never mind.

“The Nanny would cover the days he is currently meant to be going to a childminder so it would be the same days every week.”

How does this help you when his work away days are different from nanny/childminder days?

All it does it save the drop off pick up on those days. Presumably nanny would be working from your home so could end up being more work for you with baby under the same roof?
whats the plan for when he’s away and you’ve got a full time job and a baby to look after?

He sounds like a selfish entitled man.
Speaking from experience sometimes when you’re doing it all anyway it’s easier to do it alone.

I appreciate your comment thank you, I hope you are happier now x

I've made my point clear and he is finally in agreement it wouldn't work , we wouldn't even break even with a Nanny (as ive said id need one 9-6 2 days a week ) as currently we can claim 30 free hours for Childminders. It's illogical.

I appreciate all the comments, it looks like the wedding will be pushed back anyway as my surgery is scheduled for end of Jan .

Honestly watch his behaviour pre and post surgery closely and dont tell him you are watching it. It will tell you a lot.
Good behaviour is easy to fake short term.

Good luck with your surgery - I recently had one in similar circs (private surgeons in nhs theatre). Bring long phone cable, lots of decent snacks (nhs food is dire vs private).... and if you wake in recovery and feel pain no matter how mild.. tell them and they will top you up so you are comfy. (i can see how fentanyl is addictive!).

You dad sounds (bluntly) affluent and kind.
If you didnt marry / did separate and needed finanical help im sure he'd support you with logistics.

If you do push it back dont rebook (it puts a clock on it)

You should also really think about what happens if (& sorry for this) the timeline goes something like you marry, your father passes away within a couple of years, 5/10 years in he cheats / hlupuve had enough / whatever. Do you really think a man who puts himself first THIS much will be happy to let you walk away with millions more than him?

having read all the updates, stand your ground. You already do way more than he does, so definitely do not sacrifice a day’s income per week for him to earn more and do even less than he does now. He does need to pull his weight more.

I've made my point clear and he is finally in agreement it wouldn't work , we wouldn't even break even with a Nanny (as ive said id need one 9-6 2 days a week ) as currently we can claim 30 free hours for Childminders. It's illogical.

This is good news, he can’t leave it all to you

Your update changes things, he sounds selfish and a bit shit.
It's give and take, which means him also being prepared to make sacrifices to further your career/ support your job. As this is something he would not do, why should you be expected to just do it for him. I see he's not going to take the job. Perhaps going forward he can stop viewing you as the default parent. You both work.

OP you absolutely cannot marry this man. His laziness will grind you down over time. You earn a good wage, you have little to benefit from getting married. Make him step up, and refocus on your career and your health. Do not facilitate him.

Take note of his he steps up (or not) while you’re recovering. This will be a huge test for him.

I'm so much happier. Broke, because Iwe made financial decisions with a modest inheritance inheritance which meant it went quickly while kids were small to avoid huge lifestyle alterations with the joint expectation we would prioritise replacing it once they were both out of nursery, but we split before then so it's gone and I've had to suck it up, which is galling to say the least! But him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But please don't tie your finances to him just yet. If he doesn't respect you enough to have a sensible conversation when you're talking about things like this job he's got no intent of being fair down the line.

The PP who suggested you watch pre/post op behaviour closely without telling him is giving very good advice.

Anything less than him taking minimum 2 weeks leave (annual leave if needed/can't afford unpaid leave) to take care of you and the kids, and arranging full time childcare beyond that until you're back on your feet isn't good enough. I predict he will try and rope your mum in from day 1 to look after the kids, expect you to fend for yourself/ your mum to do that as well and if you dare try and raise it he'll be telling you he needs to work to keep a roof over your heads and he's sorted out the kids and that you're being unreasonable and completely ignores what YOU need from your fiancé.

So she should use her fathers money to fund her partners (not husband) career as well as taking on the extra work it will leave her with AND jepodising her operation, all things he wouldn't do for her?! And this is all so Mr Big Bollocks can just take a less family friendly job hes suddenly decided he fancies. What a batshit crazy suggestion.

This man is fundamentally selfish and sees himself as the most important person in your family. That's not husband (or father) material.

@Hercthro do not marry this man. He’s not interested in being part of a family with you. He sees you as a domestic appliance, who exists solely to facilitate his life and make him look good. Being a father tends to lead to promotions for men. Not so much for women.

Even if you choose not to take the above advice - stand your ground on the job issue. It does not benefit you and will be to your detriment. A compromise would be that you reconsider in a few years time when both DC are at school And then I’d segue the conversation into the need to have a reset on family life. He needs to step up and do more.

You can reduce the emotion of this by saying ‘let’s keep things the same til the kids start primary school’

if he pushes back remind him it’s only a couple of years and other opportunities will come up

He doesn’t see why the proposed new job wouldn’t work, because it ‘not working’ wouldn’t impact him. None of this affects him because @Hercthro mops up all the impacts. I had similar, my dc’s dad would just announce that he was working or going out (even if I already had work booked, or a hobby or whatever) and go- I was left to deal with it and of course you don’t let your child suffer, which means the father never sees the real effects of his behaviour.

OP you sound very wise, and I hope your DP steps up and starts to see you as an equal person in the relationship, rather than an adjunct or an executive assistant who’s there to facilitate his work and social status. But if he doesn’t, bear in mind that being single with kids is infinitely easier than being with an unsupportive partner and kids. You end up with much less work and much more free time!

Has he said to his old boss that he'd love the job but can't work away from home at this stage what with young family responsibilities. Maybe old boss wants him enough to accept this condition.

This is the exact set up for our household.

Althoigh it’s only one night away, it feels like more. My partner isn’t home for 48 hours every week, as he leaves at 6am on a Weds and gets home 10pm Thursday. So that’s two days and the kids don’t see him. I’m imagining this would be the same for you?

it also then spills into extra days here and there, or weekend events. These aren’t in his contact per se but he wouldn’t be able to do his job without attending them.

i would read your partners contract and new job description, and work out realistically how many days he will be away per month.

It means I can only have a part time job, as because I am around so much more than him the kids come to me rather than him and I know the house set up / running / all the school stuff much better. So I do absolutely all the childcare, household stuff, take care of the dog, plus work part time. It’s exhausting and our relationship is suffering. I also sort of look forward to him being away as then I’m in control of the ship and can do things how I like. Then he comes home, with his different parenting style, and the household has to adapt to a different dynamic. It’s causing a split in the house tbh.

i would not recommend unless it would make significant improvements to your income, or can be used short term for like 18 months as a career stepping stone.

I suspect the resentment you both feel is going to kill this marriage, he will now feel huge resentment for you, as this is just a stepping stone for him, and you feel huge resentment to him already. You are not a team at all

i howvwe do think you need the money, you’re in debt, not living to your means and having your father step in and pay for extras.

im sorry, but two people who can’t work together, make it work, but compete and resent each other, won’t make it long term. I think you both need fi have a long hard think about the marriage and see if as a positive it will be delayed.

somefimes people just aren’t compatible when the chips are down.

You say he’s agreed that the new job is not feasible but bloody hell, I wouldn’t be sticking around with him. You are making all the sacrifices and ‘grunt’ work right now and he is being selfish and lazy at home. How unattractive.

‘Sometimes people aren’t compatible’ is such a male apologist statement for ‘some men are so entitled they aren’t happy with anything less than being prioritised over their partner and children’ and ‘some women get so bloody fed up with being taken for granted, unsupported in parenting or their career by shit men’

Sounds like he's not doing a great deal as it is, so you might as well get the benefit of more money in to the household.

My Dad's not paying for extras we don't ask he just does this , for example last month £5,000 I was randomly sent into my bank to go shopping with for winter clothes . We could afford to pay for holidays etc . And we still do one abroad our own a year and a UK break, plus little trips to lego land hotel etc. So it's not that he's stepping in . He wants to. For example he has a ski chalet in the alps so he pays for us all to go there , i pay for lessons for my DS etc. Or last year he booked a yacht for a week they are extravagant holidays that not many could afford so he's not stepping in. I was only making this point that my Dad treats us meaning we don't need the money. We pay debt off each month , on top of now I'm back at work putting £1,200 away each month.

He's speaking to his old boss anyway today to say it's not feasible, he's to resenting me.
However as lots of other posters have pointed out fundamentally he needs to do more especially with youngest started childcare soon

After paying a nanny he wouldn't even be breaking even to where we are now which is the problem ... which he now sees . There is no way I would sacrifice my career which is what would happen without a nanny . I wouldn't be able to do my hours .

I'd end up not been the Mum I want and not doing a good job at work . That's no fair on me, the kids or my work (who are a wonderful employer and I wouldn't want to loose )