To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

[Hercthro]

We have 2 children one is 5 , the other 11 months (due to start childcare in Jan ). My partner has been offered a new job by his old boss more money and more exciting job.

The problem is he would have to stay away one night a week (4 hours away ) leaving the house at 5/6am returning back the next day at 10pm. I work in a job I enjoy compressed hours having Thursdays off and doing a few hours on a Friday. I then start early and work once kids are in bed . I go into London 2-4 times a month depending on meetings etc (mainly all external). I'm not seeing how we could make this work without majorly compromising our lifestyle. We both wfh at the moment , Monday - Wed i tend to do a couple of hours work between 6 and 8 then do the school run, I would not be able to juggle this on his days away. The deal was I do school runs 5 days a week, he does the Childminders 2 days again I don't think this would happen . Right now we have a nice balance , compared to most people I know.

The only way I can see it working is we have a nanny (which defeats the pay rise object) or i fully drop a day a week which would mean loosing 17k a year . I dont want to do this as I like having enough money so if he leaves for whatever reason me and the kids don't have to move etc etc .

Lastly we have medical insurance through his work and I'm waiting for complicated major surgery and our insurance is via his work.

AIBU to say I don't want him to take it ?

Why are you marrying a man who doesnt support you, who doesnt see your family as 50/50 responsibility? If he can consider taking the job because the house and kids is your responsibility?

If you dropping one day would cost 17k you earn 85k? And he is the higher earner??
If he wants the job, throw some money at it. You have plenty of it. Being miserable at work is sole destroying.

DH has done various amounts of travel. At its worst - on a job that was supposed to be 5 miles up the road - I was at home with a 6 week old and a 2 year old 4 nights a week. You find a way to make it work.

Hes under 100k , but earns slightly more . But yes we could afford it , but are trying to get rid of quite a lot of debt , had a big house move and mat leave recently etc . We've only both starting earning this over the last few years .

He enjoys his job , he's genuinely not miserable. He also hates going into the office so I think he would end up miserable here...

I think we could make work , but we don't need to make it work . He just fancies a bit more money that we don't really need .

We also live in a city with other easy links to another major city, he hasnt actually looked at for a job he just got offered this. I'm sure he could get a job in either city for the same amount of money

What share of weekday parenting did he do with your DC1?

None

I don’t respect fathers who don’t do any of the main weekday parenting.

You’re unwise to have facilitated it, possibly to the direct detriment of your work and wellbeing. He’s had 5 years of being facilitated and wants more.

But that’s primarily on him, not you. Selfish.

Discuss with him that it’s only doable with a nanny and is it worth the investment??

I think I see this more now, I'm slightly older and experienced in life.

Which I think is why I absolutely don't think its fair now, and I genuinely don't think I'm unreasonable but I wanted to get other views.

The surgery i need is also going to be a few months recovery time and I'm worried he would still go off 2 days a week when I'm in recovery.

You can't tell him he can't take the job, obviously. But you can, and should, tell him that you have already facilitated his career too much already and you will not be making any changes to facilitate this new job.
Let him work out how HE would make this new job work out without your input. Then discuss it.

I actually missed the full extent of his laziness / uselessness....
I agree with dozer. He now expects this and its a baseline.

And you are right to be concerned about your surgery. He wont take a day off for a sick child so I expect he will just bugger off and leave you to "manage".

If my dh wanted a job like this i know he'd be giving me lies in on Saturday/ batch cooking a few kids dinners at the weekend / generally being on my team....

What you describe makes me feel claustrophobic... I just couldnt marry a man like this... it's a hard road you're choosing to walk down...

Good post

Honestly OP I'd reconsider marrying him or at least postponing it. I was with a man like this and it just got worse and worse, we were engaged but I'm so pleased now that we didn't get married.

You need to get this sorted before you marry him. He's not pulling his weight and he needs to.

Sounds like you do everything for the family and his career and he takes takes take.

If he wants the job over you and family life you have your answer.

In the meantime make him parents 50:50.

Yes you should. You can’t TELL him what to do.
Discuss and reach a joint decision.

He needs to start doing half the childcare and housework to facilitate you working more, otherwise what happens if you drop your hours to facilitate this job and then he loses it? Happens a lot. Also, frankly, if he doesn’t want to parent then what’s the point? You wouldn’t have the little support you have now, and many nannies / nanny shares require you to know what days you need, as it will vary you may be to pay extra to ensure all potential days are covered. Plus the new job would require him to be in the office, which you say he dislikes. Honestly it sounds like he is just finding reasons not to be a father or partner.

Plus he needs to do that ready for when you have surgery and he needs to step up

So you’ve no respect for those fathers who are in the forces?

That’s seems very unfair on some fathers, and some mothers. I was happy to be a SAHM, and my husband’s job would not have allowed part time, nor could we afford it. He is a very good dad. Stop shaming people’s choices.

My DH wouldn’t take a job that made me unhappy, no. We’ve been there, done that with that situation.

We would however accept a job that meant sucking up the extra money in the short/medium term if it meant a better career trajectory. But we’re both quite money orientated.

Well i think this is part of the problem, he won't research . If he accepts I will end up sorting it all out, I would and will try leaving it to him to sort and it wouldn't get done.Which is one of the reason I'm anti it .

And I suppose he knows I'll do it , but as they are my children I can't just leave it. Not to mention my mental health of juggling it all.

I've suggested he looks for a job closer , but he likes his old boss who offered him it , ive said his old boss only stayed for a year he could move on again . He could easily find a job closer by if he wanted. He has very good career prospects in his current company . His money has increased by over 60k in maybe 3/4 years and they've said he's in line for another in 2 years .

Hear hear.

As I've said we don't need the money .

We are extremely lucky that my Dad pays for multiple family holidays a year, he even gives us money for (both of us) for shopping trips.

We both earn enough that we don't have to watch money each month, but as i said are getting some debt down right now. While more money would be nice, we live well and it's absolutely not needed . I would rather a good quality of life. And he could earn more money soon anyway .

If we needed the money even for more luxuries I'd understand, but we genuinely don't.

It does seem like a wider issue with lack of communication and mutual respect in your relationship OP. That’s not impossible to change but you both have to be willing to put in the work and it seems that your partner has no incentive to do that as everything works in his favour as it is.
Does he even appreciate that an unfair proportion of the family workload already falls on you?

From a monetary point of view, would it be worth paying for a nanny in the longterm? However, the main issue is how much this would impact on your quality of life.