To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

[Hercthro]

We have 2 children one is 5 , the other 11 months (due to start childcare in Jan ). My partner has been offered a new job by his old boss more money and more exciting job.

The problem is he would have to stay away one night a week (4 hours away ) leaving the house at 5/6am returning back the next day at 10pm. I work in a job I enjoy compressed hours having Thursdays off and doing a few hours on a Friday. I then start early and work once kids are in bed . I go into London 2-4 times a month depending on meetings etc (mainly all external). I'm not seeing how we could make this work without majorly compromising our lifestyle. We both wfh at the moment , Monday - Wed i tend to do a couple of hours work between 6 and 8 then do the school run, I would not be able to juggle this on his days away. The deal was I do school runs 5 days a week, he does the Childminders 2 days again I don't think this would happen . Right now we have a nice balance , compared to most people I know.

The only way I can see it working is we have a nanny (which defeats the pay rise object) or i fully drop a day a week which would mean loosing 17k a year . I dont want to do this as I like having enough money so if he leaves for whatever reason me and the kids don't have to move etc etc .

Lastly we have medical insurance through his work and I'm waiting for complicated major surgery and our insurance is via his work.

AIBU to say I don't want him to take it ?

Sometimes, even when you break even, it's better for your career progression. That may be how he's looking at it.

He should pay for the nanny or of his pay increase.

is your DH new job with same employer? If you have to change private medical providers, they will consider it a pre existing condition and not cover.

No it's a new one , so I've also mentioned this, but he said he'll speak to these about there insurance. But I have said I'm not sure they will cover as it's existing.

But this is another worry my opp is pretty major, we are having to rent a theatre in an NHS hospital as the surgeons say it's to complicated for private (3 diffrent specialists) so I have no idea on the cost but imagine it's huge.

Surely the medical insurance is reason enough for him not to leave right now?!! Never mind all the other additional work that will fall to you! You’d be better off without him, never mind marrying him!

Another poster had made a really good point that seems to have been missed.
Try finding a nanny that will work only 2 days a week but different days every week, won’t be able to take on other clients or fit in around her own children/other commitments, who would go for that??
Make him find them before he accepts the job.

Its not doable without you picking up a lot of his slack.
Your youngest is still only a baby.
You need to make your case very strongly that it’s not acceptable for him to take this job to the detriment to your family for no financial gain even, it’s a pointless exercise.
If he does take it, that will be communicating very clear to you how he feels about you, your career and your wellbeing.

He needs to find out if the new insurance plan is medical history disregard (MHD), which is what most larger employers offer. If it is, your op should be covered but this is something important that HE enquires about and gets answers to before jumping ship.

Ah make sure he checks it out first and gets in writing they will cover. Our new medical insurance wouldn’t cover an acute problem as I knew about it for 2 months before we changed provider

My opinion is you can’t dictate to someone what job hey can and can’t do however I don’t understand why you had another child with a man who doesn’t help look after his first child and why are you marrying a man who thinks his job and opinion trumps yours?

Postpone making a decision until after your surgery. You know it will be covered by his current medical insurance. Also, decide that you are going to take a couple of weeks off entirely, maybe go to stay with your mother. Your DP can spend some time being completely responsible for childcare and running the home. Your career is being compromised enabling his, why should you be the only one working early and late etc

I was just about to say this. There’s no way my husband would consider a a new job we didn’t need the money for if it would potentially jeopardise a major surgery I was planning with his medical insurance. It sounds insane.

Sorry OP but do you even like your husband at the moment? From your updates of him it doesn’t sound like he’s stepping up to being a parent or a husband. Kids are hard especially the younger years and sacrifices have to be made - you can’t have it all, all the time unfortunately. Unless he has a completely different idea of what your life looks like you’re making all the sacrifices - as youce stated career / financially / mental load/ housework currently and he wants to be away even more for a job that he’d like but wouldn’t materially add any more to your life once you had to increase Nanny’s hours. He’d also miss seeing his kids for 2 days a week every week.

Really struggling to see his argument here - YANBU - would be a firm no from me but my DH wouldn’t ask this of me

@Rockchick01 You’re right, and my own (good) father was in the forces for part of my childhood. I had in mind the stereotypical model of parents living together all the time, working, or local to each other if separated but co parenting.

SAHM is fair enough and has pros and cons. Plenty of fathers who are the sole earner in the household still do at least a bit of weekday parenting.

‘my husband’s job would not have allowed part time’ Strange how fathers almost never say that about their wife’s job and decide to SAH, almost always morhers.

The Nanny would cover the days he is currently meant to be going to a childminder so it would be the same days every week.

I've made my case tonight, I asked if he might be able to ask for condensing his days to 4 possibly as I could plan all my London days on that day knowing he'll be around , but he said absolutely not.

I know everyone is right this is part of a wider issue. He absolutely knows I carry everything, but if I stopped it wouldn't get done . Kids wouldn't go anywhere , house would be a mess , uniform etc . He knows I do it , but no absolutely does not see the load and how hard it is .

It’s a no from me!

Clearly selfish to the hilt and a parent in name only! Cba to raise his kids but will gladly take the title of dad.

You must be exhausted! You are sacrificing so much

I'm sorry but I'd be leaving, he really doesn't sound like he cares about you, he's mugging you off.

You say the money is a nice to have not essential, so I would go for the nanny. Because the job isn’t just about the money, you say it’s a more exciting job and could it lead to better things in the future?

No he's not stepping up, but I think he just expects it now. But if i don't do things it wont get done and he knows I will do it.

Even his Mum only communicates with me to see the kids etc , as she know she'll get nothing from him. I sound like I'm ranting now but just trying to get the picture across.

I absolutely understand people saying leave, I would be telling someone else to do the same . But it's hard , but this is why I won't give my hours up .

You'll probably have thought of this, but could any friends and family help when the kids are young? Could you both really think about this? Sometimes the immediate answer isn't the true one (like when friends end up sharing childcare for eth first time, because they'd never needed to think of it before).He might have friends who share childcare, it might be his mum or dad is thinking of retiring soon.
Yes you have to think about the here and now, but if long term this will benfit your family, make sure you both fully explore all options.

That makes it a no fucking way. The conversation goes ‘you’ve never supported me to travel even occasionally with work, I rely on my mum. your even asking here says to me you think this relationship is about supporting you. I have always supported your career more than you’ve supported mine and this is a step too far. I don’t support this, and I think you should start sharing the time home with sick kids to support my career for a change because I feel like a mug you’re completely taking for granted.’

His family won't help. I have friends who would probably come and give me a hand , but I couldn't/ wouldn't ask every week.

Again I have brothers who would chip in and my Mum does see us a lot . My dad's not close enough.

It's the every week I'm struggling with asking people feels like a lot.

and if he asks again say is he really telling you the relationship is over? That what you hear, because he’s not listening to you. Why don’t you go visit your mum and tell her we are probably breaking up because you don’t want to be here for your family.

He is sounding more and more like a selfish pig OP. Make sure you have joint ownership of all the assets as you aren’t married at the moment in case you do decide to split up. You do everything at the moment anyway so why stay with someone with so little kindness and consideration of you?
You never know, it might be the kick up the arse he needs to change and actually do his share.

hes being selfish if he takes this job, you’re not being unreasonable in expecting more support from him at home. Especially with a full time job yourself and such young children.

He is a selfish bastard.
Make sure he knows you know that.
Apart from stroking his ego and absolving himself of EVEN MORE parental and household and partnership support, what else is to be gained from taking this job?
I repeat. He is a selfish bastard.
I would definitely be rethinking the marriage and I would be telling him so.

You aren't remotely ranting 😕 I hope you haven't internalised some idea that rationally describing a problem is 'ranting'.

I agree with PPs that you seem to have got yourself a 'lord of the castle' type partner, who sees the family revolving around him and feels it only right and fair that he puts in exactly as much as he's prepared to, no more.

I'm sorry to be saying this, as you seem to have been happy with the status quo. His proposed job change has highlighted that the happy situation is maintained by you, keeping all the balls in the air. He doesn't care how you do it - and the demands of your operation will likely bring this to crisis.

You earn well in your own right and you currently have your own money, too. I'd like to think I'm being far too cynical if I ask whether the wedding date was set after you'd inherited or your trust matured, whatever it was? While you give yourself space to evaluate this relationship, I'd advise against converting your finances to shared marital assets.

Don’t marry him op. He has contributed very little to your life and stands to gain an awful lot from you. It’s all take take take from him. Marriage only benefits him. You will not benefit from marrying this man in anyway. Mark my words.

You have a wealthy father who you stand to inherit from and you do not want this man, who is not a loving, equal partner and father to receive a penny of this. He does not deserve and has not earned the right to take anything. You need that money for yours and your children’s future, why reduce the amount you have/will have for a man that has not brought you any relief or support.

Marriage is not about love or fairytales, it is a financial contract and people do not appreciate this enough. Marriage will not change the emotional or practical side of your relationship in anyway, it will not make you or him feel any different, it will not suddenly make him into a responsible and respectful husband and it won’t make a jot of difference to how you operate in the world or how others view you. The only difference it will make is that you will be sacrificing your future and your children’s future for a man who would not and has not done the same.

I’m sorry if this is blunt and harsh but it’s the truth. Even without the financial aspect, I’m sorry to say that 99% of marriages I have observed have not benefited the women and in fact have been detrimental to her physical, emotional and financial wellbeing. I see almost all the men thriving and benefiting from marriage and almost all the women experiencing negative consequences. I am sure there is the odd outliers, but the woman I see thriving and winning at life are single, with or without children. I am married op so not some bitter singleton. Your relationship is already full of red flags and adversity, getting married will not solve this.