To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

[Hercthro]

We have 2 children one is 5 , the other 11 months (due to start childcare in Jan ). My partner has been offered a new job by his old boss more money and more exciting job.

The problem is he would have to stay away one night a week (4 hours away ) leaving the house at 5/6am returning back the next day at 10pm. I work in a job I enjoy compressed hours having Thursdays off and doing a few hours on a Friday. I then start early and work once kids are in bed . I go into London 2-4 times a month depending on meetings etc (mainly all external). I'm not seeing how we could make this work without majorly compromising our lifestyle. We both wfh at the moment , Monday - Wed i tend to do a couple of hours work between 6 and 8 then do the school run, I would not be able to juggle this on his days away. The deal was I do school runs 5 days a week, he does the Childminders 2 days again I don't think this would happen . Right now we have a nice balance , compared to most people I know.

The only way I can see it working is we have a nanny (which defeats the pay rise object) or i fully drop a day a week which would mean loosing 17k a year . I dont want to do this as I like having enough money so if he leaves for whatever reason me and the kids don't have to move etc etc .

Lastly we have medical insurance through his work and I'm waiting for complicated major surgery and our insurance is via his work.

AIBU to say I don't want him to take it ?

I will add we have been through a lot together, I almost died in December and he has physically looked after me when shits hit the fan .

But he just doesn't pull his weight day to day , i really appreciate all the posters making me feel seen with this . I feel lucky to have family around me if I where to decide to leave and appreciate this isn't the case for all. I grew up in many broken homes (Dad divorcing multiple times and I seen then impact on myself and siblings that followed ) and I think that makes me stay even more - which I know doesn't mean it's right.

I think you are mad marrying this man. He doesn’t view you as a team / unit already and he’s not going to change

I think you need to consider his longer term career prospects. Would the new company give him greater chance of promotion, expanding his role etc. kids aren’t small forever and longer term would this benefit you all?

Agreed that the juggle sounds stressful. Definitely don’t reduce your hours, see if you can get additional help that works for you too? Your plan to keep focused on your earning potential and future is absolutely sensible. It’s always a tricky balance.

I've asked this about the job , it's manging more teams - but he already manages multiple and he will 100% progress in his current role. I'm not against a new job at all if he wants one. But we live in a city , that's a 40min drive or train to another big city. I'm sure he could find a job in either he just hasn't looked.

Just a couple of weeks ago I suggested I could help him look for work in a particular very well paying sector he'd make double, but he wouldn't consider it as he'd have to go into London once a week and likes wfh. I genuinely think he'd be fed up of the travel and going into the office after a couple of weeks. Which would then affect his mental health, all round the more I think. It will just be horrendous. His current company is also really good to work for . Fundamentally he's not unhappy , he is quite impulsive in life and I think that's what's going on here.

Some women are happy to put their partner's/husband's career first, and do everything at home and with the DC to facilitate this.
They are still a team, and there can still be mutual respect, if this is a joint decision to live their married lives this way.
Just because a man doesn't do 50/50 of everything at home, it doesn't mean he is useless, lazy, a terrible father, or not acting as a team. It all depends on what the couple both want and what they agree together.

But some women don't sign up to this. They don't want to do most of the housework and childcare by default. They don't want to sacrifice their career for his. And some men just assume that this is what women should do (often because that is what their mothers did) - it is never properly discussed and agreed. So he just dumps the housework and childcare on his wife, prioritises his career, then is surprised when she is unhappy.

@Hercthro Because of your own family history when you were a child, you are rightly very wary of not having a 'proper' career for yourself and depending on a man to support you. Yet your DP is one who sees no problem with you depending on him. He wants a wife that will prioritise and facilitate his career.

This is a fundamental incompatibility, which will take a LOT of ongoing discussion, which will need to be re-visited again and again over months and years. It need not spell the end of the relationship, but it will require him (and you) to learn and change and grow beyond your childhood conditioning.
Beware - some people are not interested in personal growth.

Add in your family's wealth and likely inheritance, and it does seem that marriage is a very bad idea.
Never forget, marriage is above all a financial contract.

Can you explain why she needs to prioritise his career prospects over her own?

Before marrying, given your family wealth you should think hard about financials and likely scenarios and what is best money wise for you. If your dad will likely leave you a lot and you can maintain your earnings and pension marriage might not be best.

Beware the line of thinking that anything less than his ideal preferences regarding work will be ‘bad for his mental health’, rather than just him not getting what he wants.

This is a very good point. Marriage might not be the best move for you financially Op!

Well here's the issue, you're doing a disproportionate amount of childcare, house stuff etc. That's what needs to be sorted. This job offer seems like the tip of the iceberg. If me or my DH got this offer, we'd make it work but we share everything evenly. And it's bizarre your mum has to help him when you're not there. He's an adult and a parent, get on with it.

I definitely didn’t mean that. As I also highlighted how sensible it is to keep her focus on her future career. I simply meant was this an opportunity that could create greater opportunities in future. They can both build careers but the difficulty is that can mean the need for paid help.
It has to work for both parties though.

We are extremely lucky that my Dad pays for multiple family holidays a year, he even gives us money for (both of us) for shopping trips.
We both earn enough that we don't have to watch money each month, but as i said are getting some debt down right now

How on earth are you in debt?

I'm a bit confused about how it wouldn't work. You say he doesn't do any childcare, you do all the school runs? He will just be picking up baby from childminder at 6? You will already have school aged child in your care from around 3/4pm so why couldn't you still use the childminder? Is it that you don't drive and the childminder is in another area?

Don't marry this man without changes.

You earn, you have family wealth and you do all the childcare and housework. Sure, he's bringing more money in, but sounds like you'd manage without that.

It's clear you need him to pull his weight. After all, we all know that working in an enjoyable role is more rewarding than the general trudge of drop offs, appointments, mopping the floor, doing laundry etc.

You should discuss a what an equal split looks like. Otherwise he might as well move out, with a discussion around co-parenting and child support. Because it sounds like that would make your life simpler.

Might be a loan for a specific thing, like an extension. OP says they are saving £1200 each month as well, so unlikely to be in debt due to living costs.

Difficult but ultimately you can't ask him not to accept a better paid job which excites him. What about his career prospects. You certainly can't tell him. Discuss it. Nothing wrong with child care for 2 days if it means you both have job satisfaction.

‘you can't ask him not to accept a better paid job which excites him’

Why? Because he has a penis?

If OP dropping 1 day a week would cost £17k annually shes earning £85k without DP

I agree his new job would be unreasonable. I think the reason people reacted the way they did initially was that you made it sound like he was picking up his fair share of the childcare - particularly around things like your trips up to London almost weekly - but the additional information makes it clear you are doing the lions share and he can't manage when you do your work trips. I also find it a bit mind-blowing that with a baby in the NICU he took no time off work - surely no promotion is worth leaving you and his child to cope through that without his support. I would start protecting yourself better.

You sound rather bitter and jealous of his opportunity. You're so wrapped up.im what an awful life you have you pay no mind to him.

What a ridiculous response. Have you even read the thread?

So these clarifications change things in my mind. If it had been an egalitarian arrangement then I would have been the first to say that compromises might need to be made both ways, etc
But truly, if he is already not pulling his share and is one of those incompetent people who can't parent their child because they happen to be male, then I think you are being reasonable.

I would tell him not to, purely because of the private health care you're about to access. Otherwise you'll end up on the NHS waiting a year for the same operation! Also it's not fair to expect you to work and manage the children at all. He needs to accept he has responsibilities outside of work. Tell him now is not the right time.

If you and he come to the conclusion that is not workable and he is prepared to reject the offer, it's worth a frank conversation with the old boss to explain why and potentially explain what changes they'd need to be able to accept it. Chances are this would be fruitless and the end, but it's worth a try. It'd also keep the old boss sweeter for future openings.

I've had candidates pull out of recruitment processes where occasionally the reason is something that could have been managed. It's always too late or just wrong to run after them once they've withdrawn.

I feel you need to look at his personal feelings on whether the challenge of the new job excites him. If he doesn't like his present job and sees this as a good career move saying no is selfish. Be opened minded as I hope he would be if it was the other way round. Find a solution you both respect

Sorry dropping one day a week=17k..so the op is on about £85 k a year!! That's a good wedge.

No he shouldn't take the job it's right job but wrong time situation sadly.