To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

[Hercthro]

We have 2 children one is 5 , the other 11 months (due to start childcare in Jan ). My partner has been offered a new job by his old boss more money and more exciting job.

The problem is he would have to stay away one night a week (4 hours away ) leaving the house at 5/6am returning back the next day at 10pm. I work in a job I enjoy compressed hours having Thursdays off and doing a few hours on a Friday. I then start early and work once kids are in bed . I go into London 2-4 times a month depending on meetings etc (mainly all external). I'm not seeing how we could make this work without majorly compromising our lifestyle. We both wfh at the moment , Monday - Wed i tend to do a couple of hours work between 6 and 8 then do the school run, I would not be able to juggle this on his days away. The deal was I do school runs 5 days a week, he does the Childminders 2 days again I don't think this would happen . Right now we have a nice balance , compared to most people I know.

The only way I can see it working is we have a nanny (which defeats the pay rise object) or i fully drop a day a week which would mean loosing 17k a year . I dont want to do this as I like having enough money so if he leaves for whatever reason me and the kids don't have to move etc etc .

Lastly we have medical insurance through his work and I'm waiting for complicated major surgery and our insurance is via his work.

AIBU to say I don't want him to take it ?

Why does she need to look at his personal feelings? He doesn’t step up when she is away with work every few months, her mum comes to help. So she doesn’t have to care one jot about his personal feelings re a job where he would be away every week. It’s a no.

This is silly.

you have phases where one person’s career might mean more away time & the other person picks up the slack. Or just hire the nanny!

whst are the long term opportunities he creates by taking them role?

Also what’s the disparity in earning between you and him?

Will have good health insurance with the new job?

My partner and I have always had jobs where we need to go away, sometimes for weeks at a time. We have one child and two dogs. We both pick up the slack and make it work.

The job is doable, but only if your husband and you work as a team and share the load.

They only have one phase though - where his career matters. He doesn’t currently support her career or their children and never has. Ergo she owes his career very little and definitely not her sanity.

That's the thing with young children and babies, things like career moves sometimes have to go on the back burner for a few years.

I think if you can’t make it work, you can’t.

Your DM and DB are already stepping in when it should be him covering.

He isn’t pulling his weight at home or acting like a person with a family.

I actually disagree as well that he didn’t take any time off when your DS was very ill in hospital, no wonder you got unwell yourself.

I don’t think you should sacrifice yourself any further to accommodate his latest promotion.

My DH had a job where he worked away
overnight every week when the kids were in nursery. I found it very hard but it was what we needed to do the job. He left early on the day I was at home all day, then got back in time for collection the following day. It was stressful as you’re worried there will be issues on the road meaning he can’t collect. Looking back, I don’t know how we did it but we did.
We then got an au pair to help fill in for late returns and missed trains, which helped a lot. I personally didn’t ask them to do primary care for long periods but it helped with nursery.
Are au pairs still an option?

Of course you can tell him he can’t do the job. You’ve already been very reasonable working around his career and some things just don’t work out due to having kids. That’s life, you have to deal with it.

However it very much sounds like if he wants to take it he will and will leave you to work the logistics out.

But it won’t be worked out together. DP is expecting a nanny (removes the benefit of the pay rise) or OP drops her work hours (again, removes benefit).

Hell also be leaving OP to do everything on her own for a few days each month .

When you are an adult, you don’t always get what you want. DP should get that.

I think you would be unreasonable to dictate to your husband what he can and cannot do with his career.

You both need to sit together and find out what he wants, and work out how you could or could not make it work.

Otherwise, you risk alienating your husband from decisions in his own life and causing resentment.

If the job is worth doing in the long term then I think it would be worth paying for a nanny for 2 days. It sounds like it would be easier for you as there would be less juggling around and you would have someone to cover you when you needed to go to London.

Does this job lead on to the prospect of mega rewards in future?

Depends. Do you care at all about his feelings, or is he a spunkwallet?

Sorry? What about her career that’s already on the back burner. This is one of the most male c entered comments I’ve seen on here 🙄

What kind of comment is this? Are you a man?

In many ways though, it no is longer ‘his own life’, now he’s married with two very young children. (Edit…not married, sorry. Well…..all the more reason to fret)
I was thinking specifically about this former boss. Is he inviting the husband to throw in his lot in some new venture with him? I’d be pretty nervous about this myself, unless children weren’t in the picture.
Practical implications for OP, and financial too for the four of them (not least company insurance and pension benefits) would have to be very carefully scrutinised before I’d think this a good move right now.

(Setting up some cool, premium vegan ready meals home delivery service for example, after husband’s been ten years in accounting, would give me the gibbering fantods in OP’s position. Chummy could be cajoling the husband to add lucrative coke deliveries within months! 🙀)

Everyone who disagrees with me is a man.

I disagree with you and I’m not a man

where exactly in your comment is the responsibility on him to care one jot about what she wants? He’s been steadily alienating her for years- don’t you have anything to say about that?

This is my view also.

What has h being her partner got to do with their wealth?

The question isnt about her though - it’s about him. A change in his career. Asking him what he wants for his career is valid and reasonable.

Sometimes people on Mumsnet are so odd, it’s like you choose to get yourself pressed because other women are suggesting you respect your partner and try to communicate with them, like a whole grown adult rather than walk on them like a door mat.

It’s his career. She has no say in it, ultimately. When he’s doing his annual review and they are talking about his future - there is no section in there for what his wife wants I reckon. There certainly isn’t any question as to what my husband wants in mine.

All she gets a vote in is how they manage their household. Same for him if it was her career. You can try and dictate things to your partner, but be careful because they can choose to vote on your dictatorship with their feet.

Ultimately, I don’t care what you do in your relationship or what this woman does. You should prepare yourself though for differing opinions contrary to your own on the internet.

OP has already said that he prefers WFH. Doesn't want to go into the office at all. With this promotion he'll have to stay in hotels to run these teams.

She's admitted he's an impulsive person aka flakey. I'm not sure that the person who's planning to put him in that position realise that he could well say nah don't like this, wanna go back to working from home.

As a boss I'd be furious that my choice had flunked out like this. Because it wouldn't surprise me or his partner if he did.

I didn't explain myself very well but I was making fun of the way you immediately to accuse posters of being men when you don't agree. You did it to me and another poster in this thread.