To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

[Hercthro]

We have 2 children one is 5 , the other 11 months (due to start childcare in Jan ). My partner has been offered a new job by his old boss more money and more exciting job.

The problem is he would have to stay away one night a week (4 hours away ) leaving the house at 5/6am returning back the next day at 10pm. I work in a job I enjoy compressed hours having Thursdays off and doing a few hours on a Friday. I then start early and work once kids are in bed . I go into London 2-4 times a month depending on meetings etc (mainly all external). I'm not seeing how we could make this work without majorly compromising our lifestyle. We both wfh at the moment , Monday - Wed i tend to do a couple of hours work between 6 and 8 then do the school run, I would not be able to juggle this on his days away. The deal was I do school runs 5 days a week, he does the Childminders 2 days again I don't think this would happen . Right now we have a nice balance , compared to most people I know.

The only way I can see it working is we have a nanny (which defeats the pay rise object) or i fully drop a day a week which would mean loosing 17k a year . I dont want to do this as I like having enough money so if he leaves for whatever reason me and the kids don't have to move etc etc .

Lastly we have medical insurance through his work and I'm waiting for complicated major surgery and our insurance is via his work.

AIBU to say I don't want him to take it ?

I only asked you if you were a man

Technically correct but you're being disingenuous - you said "This is one of the most male c entered comments I’ve seen on here" to another poster.
FWIW, I'm not.

My reaction was it's only one day and night, which doesn't seem much to me. Plenty of parents have one who works away for weeks or even months at a time and find ways to make it work.

I wouldn’t marry him!! He’s a selfish arsehole!!

Male centred comments usually come from women

I think your key point is that they can choose to vote with their feet- there wouldn’t be many reasons left for the op to not vote with her feet if he took the job. Your whole comment ignores that he should have some responsibility for his children and that his marriage shouldn’t be a minor side point in his decisions, which is a really strange way to think.

My personal opinion is that you are right, it's 2025 and gone are the days when women are willing to hang their future security on a man. Marriages go wrong, You've seen it happen, and you have to protect your own career. You're already doing it all, even the future agreement that hasn't started yet isn't 50/50, and he's still suggesting to take yet another slice of the pie. You have extremely young children. This Mary Poppins figure probably doesn't exist. Tell him if he can find someone who is willing to work on random days at his whim then you might consider it. But before agreeing to anything he needs to find them and you need to vet them and he needs to factor 100% of the cost oitnof his pay rise because this has nothing to do with you. Personally I wouldn't want my kids raised by a nanny, but given that this is also his life, if probably accept that compromise but I'd question what kind of person he is that he'd want that for his kids and wife.

The way they make it work is that one sacrifices their career. OP rightly doesn't want to do this.

In the olden days everyone had to leave their homes to work. YABU.

Sorry I'm away with the kids for a few nights .

Hes decided not to take the job offer , as he agrees it would be impact me and the kids to much . And he also would hate doing that drive every week and going into this office. Unless he can negotiate more time from home , and the health insurance. However my Dr called me yesterday and they are now more worried about my problems so it may not be a good move anyway right now.

I'm not against him going away , he's going to India for almost 2 weeks with his current job. However two days a week would undoubtedly affect my career, it would restrict my time to work when I'm already trying to jam 5 days into 3.

Thank you everyone for your opinions, and I absolutely agree he has to do more , however I think I've been in the mindset of it's easier to do it myself so I need to reevaluate that thinking .

Well it's not the 'olden days' anymore and I have worked from home pre Covid , as due to my line of work most jobs for me have a head office in London. Why would people not take advantage of working from home and flexing around thier children , if thier jobs allows them to do so ? Seems insane to me . And I feel incredibly lucky we are able to do so.

We both travel into our offices , however most people's office isn't a 550 mile round trip is it ? It's a choice he doesn't have to make and infact having reflected he doesn't want to make . And as I think I've made clear I will not sacrifice my career for him or anyone , so I actually don't think I am being unreasonable.

People split up all time, and if we ever split I want to be able to provide for my children without him if needed and limit any upheaval for them for not having to move house etc. Ensuring I keep my career is key to that, so i won't sacrifice mine for his and anyone that thinks that is awful is entitled to thier opinion, but it's not mine . I have always made this clear with him , and he knows this . So it's not a sudden shock to him and I still do 95% of everything else.

Honestly, given your joint income are you (or he) not embarrassed about relying on your mother for free childcare because he’s too pathetic to cope with his own children? Are you both not embarrassed that your father is propping you up to the tune of £5k a time while you’re in debt??

I don’t think I’ve ever said LTB on here because it’s a trite knee jerk reaction in most cases, and I genuinely think relationships should be worked on not just walked away from at the first hurdle, but you’d be absolutely insane to marry him or even carry on with this.

He won’t ever change, and this will come up time and time again. You are in an enviable position in that you’ve got a hugely well paid job, your family’s support and a dad who would bail you out financially.

Sorry hows my Dad propping us up please explain ? He gives us money we don't ask for and won't take it back . He wants us to spend it on ourselves, he will tell us not to use it on anything else.

We are not in mountains of debt im talking 12 grand which will be gone by June. This is following a house move , renovations and a mat leave .

We also don't rely on my Mum for free childcare , she helps with the kids . We relocated as she and other family members wanted to see the kids more. We take my mum on holiday with us (when not with my Dad ) and all our breaks, as she wants to come. We don't ask her for a penny, we pay. My Dad has masses amounts of wealth which is really not the point of this post however he doesn't think twice of sending us money / paying for holidays. When he's buying £150k watches and has £3million of cars sat on his drive . His giving us that to him is nothing . And he doesn't see it in anyway as a big deal. He Loves doing it always had and always will
However I would never ever ask him for money, and never ask for day to day living. As you say yes he'd absolutely bail me out , and if I left my partner I know he'd support me financially with solicitors, helping buy him out the house etc. I know I'm extremely lucky and have never said otherwise

Just to add I grew up with my Mum who didn't have masses amount of wealth and actually struggled as a single Mum. So I absolutely know how lucky I am . Which is what drives me for this not to happen to my children .

On the relationship part which really is what this post is about , yes it needs work . If I showed him this post he would absolutely admit it is all correct. He knows he's useless at house things etc, but doesn't seem to act on it. Which is what needs to change .

Is it the following the boss or the extra money the reason he thinks it's OK to totally upheave your life?