To cut my sister off if she does this again this year?

[CrimboDilemma1]

I have 2 sisters. Sister 1 is 27, sister 2 is 25. Both still live at home and have no children. I am the oldest.

I have one DD, aged 9. We all live close together and see each other regularly.

Last year, sister 2 (25) didn’t bother buying my DD anything for her birthday or anything for Christmas. Not even a card. DD’s birthday is right before Christmas Day, and she came over to see her - so it’s not like she forgot. She also didn’t buy me, my other sister or anyone else in the immediate family anything for our birthdays - again, not even a card.

She works full time, earns a good wage and hardly pays any ‘rent’ for living at home. She has plenty of money to spare but prefers to spend it on her hair and lashes and Botox.

I don’t care about myself - I don’t need presents - but I think it’s bloody selfish to not bother with the only niece she has - when she can afford to do so. A card and gift for £10-15 would be enough. Last year, she bought her a pair of trainers 6-7 months after her birthday and Christmas, and only because I called her out on it.

AIBU to completely cut her off if she doesn’t bother with DD again this year?

Feels like a big drip feed. You started off saying you see your sister regularly and no mention of any other issues with her, and now it’s - no one likes her, no one in the family would miss her etc, despite the fact that she lives with your parents. Not sure which is the case here. If there is a lot more to it and lots of bad things she has done, why is this thread about Christmas presents which are actually no big deal???

Wow, your very dramatic. She saw her for her birthday its not like she made no effort. Are you always this dramatic?

Op OF COURSE it’s not bloody unreasonable to expect your sister to buy her only niece a card on her birthday! Only on Mumsnet is this ‘entitled and grabby behaviour’ - Mumsnet only considers legal relationships aka marriage, relationships where you can expect anything at all or any kind of care.

I mean completely cutting her off (unless there is a back story about how she's a nightmare 365 days a year) seems a bit much.

It is though 100% shit she doesn't get her niece a present.

My sister came to my daughters birthday party with her boyfriend. They both ate and drank their fill. Never brought a card or present but left in the middle to buy a birthday card for his niece and made a point of showing it to me when they got back. I’m no longer in contact with the bitch.

Of all the family issues that cause people to go no contact, this is the most ridiculous one. Concentrate on making birthdays and Christmas special for you own child. The world doesn’t revolve around them for anyone else but you.

YABU. Much more to a relationship than gift giving, she came to see your DD. I'd rather that than someone who just sends gifts but shows no interest in us. By all means don't buy her any cards or gifts but cutting her out of your life is extreme.

Totally agree. And your sister is a young adult, they just don't always remember birthdays. You're being precious and unreasonable.

Sadly you can't force someone to be a thoughtful adult OP. All you can do is match their energy.

That wasn't the question. The question was whether she should cut her sister off for it, which signals that OP is probably the unreasonable one because it's so dramatic and over the top.

Let's put the no gifts thing to the side because that's a can of worms I don't want to unleash right now.

How is she other than that? Does she have a good relationship with you? With your DD?

This is clearly a drip feed situation where suddenly there will be a much longer story as in and of itself, this isn't a massive problem. I'm sure you make sure your daughter feels special and loved on her birthdays and Christmas and whatever else anyone does is just a bonus really.

My sister in law never remembers to send my kids anything. She is selfish but also has a complicated life - and we live overseas so it's a palaver to get stuff shipped or ordered or whatever. We used to buy the kids' stuff and pretend it was from her but we slowly stopped doing that and my kids don't care. You likely care far more than your daughter does so I would suggest you just disengage a bit for a peaceful life. No need for a massive drama.

Just stop buying her gifts and cards…….why waste your money if the sentiment isn’t reciprocated?

It is thoughtless and unkind but if I were you I would let it go….
My children’s birthdays are fairly regularly missed by my DH’s siblings. It used to bother me as it takes so little time to show someone that you’re thinking of them, especially children because you can give money, sweets, clothes etc
I just realised that they are quite self absorbed and ‘busy’ and that they wouldn’t change so there is literally no point in getting annoyed.
My DH says I shouldn’t buy for my nieces and nephews on that side because it’s not reciprocated but I don’t give to receive, and I’d hate any of the children to wonder why we hadn’t sent them a card/pressie for their birthday/christmas so I make sure they get something despite juggling work/family and being busy too 😂
Your sister won’t change, she is selfish. You won’t forget her lack of effort and your DD won’t really miss a present from her but I’d definitely not say anything about it to her again.

Then how does she explain that she wants presents without providing any herself?

Agree it is unreasonable, however the question to me would be how you daughter would feel if hardly ever seeing her aunt.

Just stop buying her gifts.

I haven't given any gifts for over 40 years and don't expect anything either.

I wouldn’t cut her off but would stop acknowledging her birthday and for Christmas

Just scale back your efforts OP and mirror your sisters attitude to gift giving etc back at her. She can hardly object as you can just say ‘oh I thought we weren’t doing gifts anymore as you never get my family any’. I wouldn’t cut her off though - especially as she lives with your parents as that would have big consequences for the whole family dynamic which would probably
be more impactful on your daughter than her missing out on a couple of £10 presents per year

Bloody hell grabby and overdramatic 🤣

Mumsnet is full of people that have gone no contact with some or all of their family. If this is how petty a reason some people go no contact, no wonder there's so many!

I would be a bit upset about this too. But I don’t think I would say anything, let alone cut her off. Unfortunately the only people anyone can rely on to care about their children are the parents themselves. And even then, some dads in particular are utterly crap when it comes to occasions like birthdays and Christmas. I had aunts and uncles who never forgot and aunts and uncles who never bothered. I was used to not getting anything from certain family members, so didn’t expect anything. Most of my DCs’ aunts and uncles do give them gifts, but not all of them. Such is life. Maybe when your sister has children of her own some day, she’ll expect cards and gifts for them. And you’ll be off the hook😃

I don’t equate gift giving with love. Sure it’s nice to have thoughtful gifts given to you or your dc by relatives but it’s not the be all and end all.

You say you see each other a lot so I’m presuming she had a reasonably good relationship with your dd. To me that would be more important than token shitty gifts. Ask yourself this - would you be able to rely on her in an emergency? Does she give you and your dd her time and attention? If so then it’s really not worth cutting her off over this.

Some of us have very little family support and find Christmas quite painful and lonely. You need to get your priorities straight.

My DP's brother doesn't buy anyone a birthday card or a present. He also doesn't expect anyone to do anything for him. That's fine. He's a good guy, he can be very generous with his time and his great with our kid when we see him.

Cutting your sister off because of presents is a huge overaction.
If her other behaviours bother you so much - perhaps keep a little distance.