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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut my sister off if she does this again this year?

269 replies

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:17

I have 2 sisters. Sister 1 is 27, sister 2 is 25. Both still live at home and have no children. I am the oldest.

I have one DD, aged 9. We all live close together and see each other regularly.

Last year, sister 2 (25) didn’t bother buying my DD anything for her birthday or anything for Christmas. Not even a card. DD’s birthday is right before Christmas Day, and she came over to see her - so it’s not like she forgot. She also didn’t buy me, my other sister or anyone else in the immediate family anything for our birthdays - again, not even a card.

She works full time, earns a good wage and hardly pays any ‘rent’ for living at home. She has plenty of money to spare but prefers to spend it on her hair and lashes and Botox.

I don’t care about myself - I don’t need presents - but I think it’s bloody selfish to not bother with the only niece she has - when she can afford to do so. A card and gift for £10-15 would be enough. Last year, she bought her a pair of trainers 6-7 months after her birthday and Christmas, and only because I called her out on it.

AIBU to completely cut her off if she doesn’t bother with DD again this year?

OP posts:
user1471538275 · 17/12/2025 14:29

She doesn't have to see your child. That's her choice whether to have a relationship with her or not.

Your child is entirely your responsibility. Other people can choose their sort of interactions with her.

You can't force people to do what you want, which seems to be how you are acting.

Original poster
CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:29

user1471538275 · 17/12/2025 14:29

She doesn't have to see your child. That's her choice whether to have a relationship with her or not.

Your child is entirely your responsibility. Other people can choose their sort of interactions with her.

You can't force people to do what you want, which seems to be how you are acting.

Okay 😊

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasFierce · 17/12/2025 14:30

No, of course I would not cut off a family member because they did not buy my child birthday or Christmas presents.

Human relationships are far too fleeting, far too precious, to be discarded for such trivial reasons.

Of course it is disappointing that your sister has not embraced her role as an aunt with the enthusiasm others might have and it would be fine to scale back your own efforts (sounds like you already have). But cut her off because of it? No absolutely not. That would be entirely disproportionate and unreasonable.

dontmalbeconme · 17/12/2025 14:30

You're not owed a gift or a card from anyone for you or your DD. Just accept that you don't exchange presents with this sister.

Original poster
CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:31

LadyMacbethWasFierce · 17/12/2025 14:30

No, of course I would not cut off a family member because they did not buy my child birthday or Christmas presents.

Human relationships are far too fleeting, far too precious, to be discarded for such trivial reasons.

Of course it is disappointing that your sister has not embraced her role as an aunt with the enthusiasm others might have and it would be fine to scale back your own efforts (sounds like you already have). But cut her off because of it? No absolutely not. That would be entirely disproportionate and unreasonable.

Tbh, it’s probably the straw that will break the camels back - there’s a lot more selfish behaviours from her that affects the rest of the family - hence why none of them really bother with her much anymore. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt but her behaviour towards my child is just making me want to fuck her off completely because she will need one of us before any of us need her for something.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 17/12/2025 14:32

Falling out over token gifts is silly. Better to remind her to call or send dd a message on her birthday and leave it.

the effort to actually see her on her birthday matters much more

winnerwinnertofudinner · 17/12/2025 14:32

Bit of an overreaction imo.

BettysRoasties · 17/12/2025 14:33

So what if she doesn’t independently visit your daughter. Not everyone is child centric and honestly you don’t sound like you like her at all so why would she visit.

I only see the nephews and nieces when it’s a larger family thing.

I don’t oh I must go visit Tommy it would be nice to spend time with him… because I’m firstly not a lier and secondly have my own life.

Elle177 · 17/12/2025 14:33

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My DH provided a lot of support for his nephew over many years. In some ways I feel his DB took advantage of him. This wasn’t just financial but also logistical and to some degree emotional support.

Fast forward a decade or so and DH and I had a DS who is now 4. BIL has never even acknowledged our DS exists.

We let it lie in the early stages but after a while it felt like such an awful way to act we went NC with BIL and haven’t spoken to him or seen him for well over 3 years. Our DS doesn’t even know he exists and we’re happy to keep things like that.

There comes a point when it’s the only reasonably option. Only you can decide if you’ve reached that point. We were certain we had and are very comfortable with our decision. I doubt we’ll ever see DB/BIL ever again.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 17/12/2025 14:34

Gosh I always forget birthday cards. It's nice to receive them but they're always unexpected. You say it's a quid next time she's at the supermarket but maybe cards aren't even on her radar.
I rarely remember what I went to the supermarket for in the first place.

PonkyPonky · 17/12/2025 14:34

My brother only has one nephew (my DS) and he hasn’t once sent him as much as a card for his birthday. I won’t ever stop buying for his children though as it’s not their fault that he’s a nob. We aren’t close as siblings at all though so there’s no point cutting him off as I only see him at Christmas anyway. I wouldn’t cut her off over it, just don’t give her a card or present and don’t start buying for her children if she has them.

TheMorgenmuffel · 17/12/2025 14:34

If you don’t like her thats all the reason you need to not bother with her, you don't need to use the lack of gifts for your child.

NewGoldFox · 17/12/2025 14:35

Goodness that’s certainly you told op!
I don’t think you are unreasonable (or grabby) to expect your sister to mark your daughter’s birthday in the way traditionally expected, it’s pretty poor form from the aunt in question and unkindness/thoughtlessness towards a child is just gross.
I still vote don’t cut her off but let her behaviour set the tone for your relationship.

TheatricalLife · 17/12/2025 14:35

I wouldn't cut her off, no.
From your posts it doesn't sound like she expects anything for herself from you all? Maybe she just doesn't want to do gifts at all, and I'd be ok with that.
You obviously don't like her very much which I'd say is more of a reason to step back than the lack of gifts.

Original poster
CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:36

TheatricalLife · 17/12/2025 14:35

I wouldn't cut her off, no.
From your posts it doesn't sound like she expects anything for herself from you all? Maybe she just doesn't want to do gifts at all, and I'd be ok with that.
You obviously don't like her very much which I'd say is more of a reason to step back than the lack of gifts.

Oh no, she definitely expects things back in return! 😂 my mum nearly had a fit the first time I didn’t send my sister anything for an occasion - after she didn’t bother with DD - because of how my sister reacted

OP posts:
RainbowRainyDays · 17/12/2025 14:37

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:27

Because that’s the only time she makes the effort to see her, unless my mum takes her back to her house where my sister lives.

Show quote history

So she makes an effort on your daughter's birthday then.

TheatricalLife · 17/12/2025 14:39

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:36

Oh no, she definitely expects things back in return! 😂 my mum nearly had a fit the first time I didn’t send my sister anything for an occasion - after she didn’t bother with DD - because of how my sister reacted

Show quote history

Well that's not your problem, that's your mums. She can deal with her daughter as she sees fit, including buying her what she wants. Doesn't have to include you.
Just forget all presents. Don't buy for her, she won't buy for you. If she moans, she moans. She can't force you to buy her things. You don't like her anyway, so if she gets the hump so what.

isthesolution · 17/12/2025 14:40

I’d buy her a gift and leave it in the car. If she doesn’t give you or your daughter a gift then I’d leave it in the car, obviously I wouldn’t give it to her otherwise.

I agree it’s more about the care than the gift itself.

I suspect you want to go no contact for other reasons and that is valid - but this non present giving isn’t reason enough to go no contact.

RainbowRainyDays · 17/12/2025 14:40

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:27

Because that’s the only time she makes the effort to see her, unless my mum takes her back to her house where my sister lives.

Show quote history

We all live close together and see each other regularly.

Which is it?

Usernamenotfound1 · 17/12/2025 14:41

My sil was the same.

we didn’t cut her off, just remained civil but didn’t put in any effort. Still bought her kids gifts and took them out etc.

however many years later and we are nc for other reasons- the non gifting was a symptom of her selfishness and narcissm. The kids never really had a relationship with her anyway as she didn’t treat them well generally.

so I’d back off from the relationship but not completely- she’ll show her true colours eventually and the kids will form their own opinion. Her loss.

GAJLY · 17/12/2025 14:42

My siblings are the same way, they wouldn't acknowledge my children's birthdays. I'm the youngest, so bought their children gifts and cards, baby sat and took them out. However when mine arrived they failed to reciprocate.

I did ask them to buy mine a card and cheap gifts. They both said no as they never asked for cards and presents from me, it was entirely my choice to do so and I cannot demand it. So I stopped all Christmas, Easter, birthday presents and outings!

Eventually my brother did complain to our mother (who doesnt celebrate any holidays due to religious beliefs) that he was sad as no one sent a birthday card to his children! Also that I'd stopped babysitting! My mother told him that often people do things if they are reciprocated and stop when they're not. So he either steps up or accepts it. He never did send a card! Honestly I think some people are selfish and lazy! You need to stop sending that particular sister a card and presents and don't expect anything back.

UxmalFan · 17/12/2025 14:42

Don't cut her off. Sometimes that is appropriate but only for abusive or dangerous situations.
But don't give her any more presents! Why on earth would you? And if she reacts badly to that, just say How do you think DD and I feel when you don't bother to give us presents?

BrinkWomanship · 17/12/2025 14:42

Have you actually spoken to her about it? That it's disappointing she has no interest in her niece and that aunts generally mark birthdays and Christmas with cards and gifts? It would only be at this point I'd stop buying gifts myself and cool contact. It's absolutely not worth going NC over, however.

youalright · 17/12/2025 14:43

People are so dramatic now and have no tolerance for other people. How often do you see her once, twice a year. Can't you just paint on a smile offer a cup of tea and make small talk for the 30 minutes a year you see her without making a big dramatic announcement about going no contact with her and making a thing of it.

once1caughtafishalive · 17/12/2025 14:43

Omg you'd cut off your own sister because over a present?? Yikes!

So its annoying but its not a big deal. When she has kids she'll probably look back and realise she was a bit of an asshole about it. Just dont get her one and keep on living your life without letting this bother you

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