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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut my sister off if she does this again this year?

269 replies

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:17

I have 2 sisters. Sister 1 is 27, sister 2 is 25. Both still live at home and have no children. I am the oldest.

I have one DD, aged 9. We all live close together and see each other regularly.

Last year, sister 2 (25) didn’t bother buying my DD anything for her birthday or anything for Christmas. Not even a card. DD’s birthday is right before Christmas Day, and she came over to see her - so it’s not like she forgot. She also didn’t buy me, my other sister or anyone else in the immediate family anything for our birthdays - again, not even a card.

She works full time, earns a good wage and hardly pays any ‘rent’ for living at home. She has plenty of money to spare but prefers to spend it on her hair and lashes and Botox.

I don’t care about myself - I don’t need presents - but I think it’s bloody selfish to not bother with the only niece she has - when she can afford to do so. A card and gift for £10-15 would be enough. Last year, she bought her a pair of trainers 6-7 months after her birthday and Christmas, and only because I called her out on it.

AIBU to completely cut her off if she doesn’t bother with DD again this year?

OP posts:
Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 17/12/2025 16:10

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 15:10

Just to clear things up. Her other behaviours, where do I even start… she used to be alright but as she’s got older she’s turned into a very entitled and selfish human being. A spoilt monster really created by my mum quite obviously favouriting her out of all the siblings.

She gets into relationships, treats them awfully and then when they end up finally reacting, that then spills out into my mum’s house (very loud, chaotic arguments inside my mum’s house, outside of my mum’s house so it’s a show for the whole road). She treats my mum like a bank, my mum will often loan her thousands of pounds because my sister wants a lifestyle she can’t afford despite being on a good wage, and she’s never expected to really pay it back properly. She will go on holiday and ring my mum crying with some sort of drama every day the whole time she’s away - my mum had to go sick from work for a week last time because of the stress. She had the audacity to message my grandparents a really horrible message saying they control my mum’s life when that’s not true in the slightest - they let my mum crack on with her own life and it’s my sister who controls every aspect - and then when she wants running around, she has the cheek to ring them asking for favours. She has just turned into a horrible human being, hence why no-one really likes her or bothers with her anymore.

Cutting her off - I mean only me. Obviously I wouldn’t stop my DD from seeing her if they were both at my mum’s house and I wouldn’t make the effort to have any contact with her at all - but obviously I wouldn’t make a scene at family gatherings.

Im going to be honest here, you sound jealous of your mums relationship with her. Its not really any of your business how much money your mum gives her and what behaviour your mum tolerates from her. Your mother is a grown adult and if she was upset by all of this its up to her to deal with. You clearly dislike your sister so the best thing you can do is to simply have as little to do with her as you can but remain polite and civil when you do have to see her.

Pistolpunk · 17/12/2025 16:13

My sister and I had an agreement many years ago not to buy our kids birthdays or xmas gifts and to just focus on our own kids. My nephews haven't missed out because of our agreement and family members are under no obligation to provide gifts for our kids. I dont do cards for birthdays apart from my own dc.

NeighbourProblems3 · 17/12/2025 16:14

Call it a character flaw if you like, but if we all cut off family for character flaws then we’d not have many people left. I think family is important and I’d only cut them off if there’s any form of abuse or unacceptable behaviour, not for different opinions/priorities or thoughtlessness.

Winter2020 · 17/12/2025 16:15

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 15:10

Just to clear things up. Her other behaviours, where do I even start… she used to be alright but as she’s got older she’s turned into a very entitled and selfish human being. A spoilt monster really created by my mum quite obviously favouriting her out of all the siblings.

She gets into relationships, treats them awfully and then when they end up finally reacting, that then spills out into my mum’s house (very loud, chaotic arguments inside my mum’s house, outside of my mum’s house so it’s a show for the whole road). She treats my mum like a bank, my mum will often loan her thousands of pounds because my sister wants a lifestyle she can’t afford despite being on a good wage, and she’s never expected to really pay it back properly. She will go on holiday and ring my mum crying with some sort of drama every day the whole time she’s away - my mum had to go sick from work for a week last time because of the stress. She had the audacity to message my grandparents a really horrible message saying they control my mum’s life when that’s not true in the slightest - they let my mum crack on with her own life and it’s my sister who controls every aspect - and then when she wants running around, she has the cheek to ring them asking for favours. She has just turned into a horrible human being, hence why no-one really likes her or bothers with her anymore.

Cutting her off - I mean only me. Obviously I wouldn’t stop my DD from seeing her if they were both at my mum’s house and I wouldn’t make the effort to have any contact with her at all - but obviously I wouldn’t make a scene at family gatherings.

If you don't see much of your sister why "cut her off?" I suspect the reason you want to cut her off is that you are hurt that she is not living up to your expectations but she will barely notice as you don't have much to do with each other anyway - so why not bumble along?

Most of us have very few people we can call at 2am to come over for our kids if we need to go to the hospital - don't make your "village" smaller unnecessarily.

CherrieTomaties · 17/12/2025 16:19

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:24

grabby behaviour? 😂 we are talking about a quid for a birthday card to show a bit of effort and acknowledgement. It actually shows that I care about who makes an effort with my child and who doesn’t - blood or not 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Buying a card doesn’t equal effort or acknowledgment.

If she regularly sees your child, is interested in them, plays with them and truly cares about them - that’s effort.

NoMenThanks · 17/12/2025 16:20

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:24

grabby behaviour? 😂 we are talking about a quid for a birthday card to show a bit of effort and acknowledgement. It actually shows that I care about who makes an effort with my child and who doesn’t - blood or not 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Let it go, CrimboDilemma. You’re not going to come out of this looking good.

BlondeBonBon · 17/12/2025 16:20

My brothers were like this and it changed only one they had kids themselves. It just wasn’t on their radar pre kids and I didn’t take it personally.

personally I wouldn’t let it upset me and instead just be grateful for those that kindly gave gifts.

Catwoman8 · 17/12/2025 16:23

I wouldn't cut her off, just don't buy her any gifts. If she has children in the future, you can choose not to give gifts if you are so inclined.

TheCosyViewer · 17/12/2025 16:24

I doubt your sister will care or notice if you “cut her off’. It’s clear from your posts you don’t really like her or have much in common with her, so don’t let her take up space in your head. You live your life and she’ll live hers.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/12/2025 16:27

She sounds extremely mean and selfish. I’d be seriously hacked off with her, too. I doubt I’d actually cut her off but I’d go very cool - after telling her what I think of her.

Boomer55 · 17/12/2025 16:28

It’s not compulsory to buy your child a present, but I wouldn’t buy them any. Not worth cutting her off for though.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/12/2025 16:30

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 17/12/2025 14:24

Why not have a chat with her about how her thoughtlessness towards your child makes you feel? Maybe she doesn't know what to get her? Ask her if it would help to give her suggestions within a pre-determined budget. And, no, I would be hurt but I would not cut off a sibling because of this.

This is the sensible approach

Miyagi99 · 17/12/2025 16:30

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:24

grabby behaviour? 😂 we are talking about a quid for a birthday card to show a bit of effort and acknowledgement. It actually shows that I care about who makes an effort with my child and who doesn’t - blood or not 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

She came to see her though didn’t she? Which would suggest she does care.

Daisy12Maisie · 17/12/2025 16:32

Some people just don’t bother. My sons god mother didn’t send him cards or presents for years which is fine and up to her then on his 18th birthday she gave him £180 which was very kind and very unexpected.

I am very close to my older sister and we don’t exchange presents. The reason being money or lack of it. I would get up in the middle of the night and drive to wherever she needed and do anything for her. I would give her a kidney if needed but we don’t do presents. She loves my children and would help them if needed. I have paid for her child to go on holiday with my children twice many years ago (I wasn’t there it was pgl. (I paid for my boys and her son as a cousin bonding thing.) So we will help each other but we just don’t do presents. I don’t think it means anything. I wouldn’t want a present for me or my children if I had to pester someone for it. Just let it go and don’t buy her presents going forward.

Eyeshadow · 17/12/2025 16:37

I am surprised by some of these replies.

She is a grown adult who is capable of buying something for her niece.

Its funny because there is a thread about a DH not buying a good enough present and posters are saying how selfish he is, if this is an ongoing problem she should leave etc.

My younger brother is exactly the same.
Lives at home and is babied and thinks it’s not his responsibility to buy gifts or make an effort. My mum used to buy a present and sign it from him but she’s stopped doing that now.
It’s just what you do with family, especially kids, you get them a present.
I have not cut him off but I told him he’s selfish and needs to grow up.

I don’t think you’re grabby or entitled to expect a present for your child at all.

Hotchocolateandmarshmellow · 17/12/2025 16:38

This is one of those situations where you have different expectations. You can choose to be annoyed or let it go. She won’t change so it’s upto you how to handle it.

paradisecircus · 17/12/2025 16:40

I wouldn't cut her off for that alone, no - are there other things in the mix that would justify it?

eacapade1982 · 17/12/2025 16:41

How is it not going to affect your family? You go to your parents house where she lives, and what, you're just going to not talk to her or something? That's going to create a really bad atmosphere.

Newyearawaits · 17/12/2025 16:43

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:20

I stopped giving her anything last year when she didn’t buy anything for DD on both occasions. It’s the lack of effort on her part that is hurtful - that she can’t take 5 minutes out to buy a birthday card for her next time she’s in the supermarket 🤷‍♀️

I 100pc agree with you OP but I wouldn't cut her off. Reduce contact maybe.
As a parent, I totally appreciate where you are coming from

Caterpillar1 · 17/12/2025 16:45

Jesus, some people are so petty. Going NC for a lack of a present or a birthday card. Insane!

housethatbuiltme · 17/12/2025 16:48

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:24

grabby behaviour? 😂 we are talking about a quid for a birthday card to show a bit of effort and acknowledgement. It actually shows that I care about who makes an effort with my child and who doesn’t - blood or not 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

'she came over to see her - so it’s not like she forgot'

Surely remembering and coming over is far more acknowledgement and effort than a card (never understood the obsession with cards, its literally a piece of trash... your not going to keep a dozen generic 'happy birthday love aunt kathy x' cards in your treasured sentimental possessions).

My DB never once bought my kids a birthday or xmas present, never remembered their birthdays or texted or visited... never bothered me, they aren't his kids.

My only childfree aunt use to send me (and all children in the family) money in a card, my other 6 aunts and 4 uncles never did. None ever visited me on my birthday either ever (in fact when one died they organized the funeral on my birthday because non of them even knew when my birthday was).

While its not unheard of to get something from and aunt and its nice too, it has certainly never been a requirement, so I agree you seem quite grabby to throw around 'NC' over something so shallow, unnecessary and materialistic.

housethatbuiltme · 17/12/2025 16:52

Eyeshadow · 17/12/2025 16:37

I am surprised by some of these replies.

She is a grown adult who is capable of buying something for her niece.

Its funny because there is a thread about a DH not buying a good enough present and posters are saying how selfish he is, if this is an ongoing problem she should leave etc.

My younger brother is exactly the same.
Lives at home and is babied and thinks it’s not his responsibility to buy gifts or make an effort. My mum used to buy a present and sign it from him but she’s stopped doing that now.
It’s just what you do with family, especially kids, you get them a present.
I have not cut him off but I told him he’s selfish and needs to grow up.

I don’t think you’re grabby or entitled to expect a present for your child at all.

DH being expected to buying for wife or Parent buying for children and adult children buying for parents are WILDLY different scenarios than literally demanding presents off an Aunt because coming over to see you wasn't deemed 'effort' enough.

DaisyChain505 · 17/12/2025 16:54

Not everyone is a presents kind of person and that’s ok.

she came to see your daughter for her birthday and that’s what matters.

kids these days have far too much and from far too many people. Your daughter isn’t going to lose sleep over one extra present and neither should you.

I would never judge anyone for not buying me or someone I know a present.

Maddyisqueen · 17/12/2025 16:54

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 15:10

Just to clear things up. Her other behaviours, where do I even start… she used to be alright but as she’s got older she’s turned into a very entitled and selfish human being. A spoilt monster really created by my mum quite obviously favouriting her out of all the siblings.

She gets into relationships, treats them awfully and then when they end up finally reacting, that then spills out into my mum’s house (very loud, chaotic arguments inside my mum’s house, outside of my mum’s house so it’s a show for the whole road). She treats my mum like a bank, my mum will often loan her thousands of pounds because my sister wants a lifestyle she can’t afford despite being on a good wage, and she’s never expected to really pay it back properly. She will go on holiday and ring my mum crying with some sort of drama every day the whole time she’s away - my mum had to go sick from work for a week last time because of the stress. She had the audacity to message my grandparents a really horrible message saying they control my mum’s life when that’s not true in the slightest - they let my mum crack on with her own life and it’s my sister who controls every aspect - and then when she wants running around, she has the cheek to ring them asking for favours. She has just turned into a horrible human being, hence why no-one really likes her or bothers with her anymore.

Cutting her off - I mean only me. Obviously I wouldn’t stop my DD from seeing her if they were both at my mum’s house and I wouldn’t make the effort to have any contact with her at all - but obviously I wouldn’t make a scene at family gatherings.

So is it really about the card?

id tell her your gonna take some space becuase of how her behaviour leaves you feeling - then you can take your time and go back if your ready

it sounds more like your family has an unhealthy balance or system and i suspect thats whats really behind this - do you find it hard to manage the feelings that come up with regard to your mum and sister and wider family system?

could you say to her “it would really mean a lot to me if you got my dd a card”

i actually think if she comes to see her that’s much more valuable

Daygloboo · 17/12/2025 16:57

CrimboDilemma1 · 17/12/2025 14:20

I stopped giving her anything last year when she didn’t buy anything for DD on both occasions. It’s the lack of effort on her part that is hurtful - that she can’t take 5 minutes out to buy a birthday card for her next time she’s in the supermarket 🤷‍♀️

I agree.It's bloody thoughtless. I'd go out of my way to obviously not do anything nice for her. Teach her a lesson, selfish so and so.

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