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Original poster

Sister in law asking we don’t do Christmas meal as dinner

316 replies

Cartaz · 17/12/2025 12:41

DH’s family have always had a fry up/homemade pastries for breakfast. Proper posh, homemade canapés for lunch with cocktails. Think prawn and lobster vol au vents, mini Brie and cranberry puffs, arancini etc - so properly substantial. And then the Christmas meal as dinner.

They are amazing cooks so it’s indulgent. But the thing I like about this is you are eating when you are hungry. My family did the more typical eat a bit later at around 2pm. But I always found after picky bits/breakfast just general grazing eating a full roast was too much. And you obviously want all the nice extra bits.

This new way I feel like the time pressure is off and everyone gets stuck in more. Just more relaxed (for us).

I’ve adopted what dh’s family do. But SIL who is staying with us this year as we are hosting has asked that we bring to forward as it more traditional.

I just don’t get doing something one way cause everyone else is doing it that way.

To me it’s just more relaxed and who doesn’t love a candlelight dinner. I can’t believe the cheek of SIL

OP posts:
Grammarninja · 17/12/2025 16:23

Anxioustealady · 17/12/2025 16:15

A lot of drama over nothing, she only asked.

Would people complaining about the absolute cheek to demand (ask) prefer if the SIL just decided not to come rather than ask if things could be changed?

Only asked? You know what asking means, come on! It's outrageous whens she has nothing to do with the day's catering! I just can't get my head around people having the day laid on for them but still needing to stick their oar in! It's appalling!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/12/2025 16:24

In fact the reason we started having it later (many years ago now) instead of at the usual 3-ish, was because I’d had so much Bucks Fizz, I completely forgot the potatoes - when the turkey was coming out of the oven they weren’t even parboiled!
But as per my pp, everyone was that much more ready for it, and the turkey stayed hot with foil and a tea towel or two.

b

Mothership4two · 17/12/2025 16:25

Anxioustealady · 17/12/2025 16:15

A lot of drama over nothing, she only asked.

Would people complaining about the absolute cheek to demand (ask) prefer if the SIL just decided not to come rather than ask if things could be changed?

It's opinions not 'drama'. That would be SIL's choice if she was that bothered, and a different scenario, but I'd imagine OP would be a bit sad about it. If there was a thread "my SIL is refusing to come for Christmas unless we eat at 2" you'd get pretty similar replies.

DappledThings · 17/12/2025 16:27

Grammarninja · 17/12/2025 16:23

Only asked? You know what asking means, come on! It's outrageous whens she has nothing to do with the day's catering! I just can't get my head around people having the day laid on for them but still needing to stick their oar in! It's appalling!

Show quote history

No, I don't k ow what asking means. In my world I would take someone asking entirely at face value and respond based entirely on whether it suited me or not and whether the rationale for the question was sensible.

Wouldn't be so precious about my hosting to consider it someone sticking their oar in or that anyone was trying to dictate anything to me.

Life is so much nicer when you don't take simple requests as offensive.

LordEmsworth · 17/12/2025 16:29

Easytoconfuse · 17/12/2025 16:00

I'm not sure it is polite of a guest to want the day rearranged to suit them unless there's a good reason, which 'more traditional' isn't. It's your DH's family tradition and you're cooking, so I'd say you're entitled to cook at 3am in a wet suit, snorkel and flippers and if she doesn't like it, then she can go somewhere traditional, can't she?

Show quote history

Well yeah, she can. But maybe she likes the OP and wants to spend Christmas with them, and thought suggesting something a bit different wouldn't be an act of horror and outrage. Even though the OP clearly doesn't like her!

I wouldn't think it cheeky at all, I wouldn't even think it "not polite", and I don't think those are synonyms either. Some of the reactions on here are truly astonishing to me.

Misanthropologie · 17/12/2025 16:31

Anxioustealady · 17/12/2025 16:15

A lot of drama over nothing, she only asked.

Would people complaining about the absolute cheek to demand (ask) prefer if the SIL just decided not to come rather than ask if things could be changed?

YES.

Mothership4two · 17/12/2025 16:31

I think our relaxed Christmases started theh year my Mum started making champagne cocktails late morning and everyone go so sozzled no-one could see straight let alone cook and everyone said they needed to go and walk it off first @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER ! Now champagne cocktails are very much a Christmas day tradition in our house, but maybe not quite so many.

Francestein · 17/12/2025 16:35

“So SIL, let me check that I have understood you correctly…. You want me to rearrange Christmas for me, DH, kids, PIL, (every other member of both sides) - You want me to rearrange the plans of X no of people just for you? Yeah…. I’m not doing that.”

Anxioustealady · 17/12/2025 16:37

Mothership4two · 17/12/2025 16:25

It's opinions not 'drama'. That would be SIL's choice if she was that bothered, and a different scenario, but I'd imagine OP would be a bit sad about it. If there was a thread "my SIL is refusing to come for Christmas unless we eat at 2" you'd get pretty similar replies.

Show quote history

Such dramatic language, refuse, demand, dictate...

She wouldn't be refusing, just choosing not to if it didn't suit her. If I was hosting but a guest would rather not come due to timings I'd rather at least know why so I could decide if I could fix it.

Catpiece · 17/12/2025 16:38

Whomever is kind enough to host does it their way. If it doesn’t suit you, you have the option of not coming on the day

RecordBreakers · 17/12/2025 16:44

Catpiece · 17/12/2025 16:38

Whomever is kind enough to host does it their way. If it doesn’t suit you, you have the option of not coming on the day

This.

Personally, I like to have a traditional turkey roast around 1pm / 1.30 and then feel able to relax. People are welcome to have cold meats / buffet things as and when they want through the evening BUT if I accept an invitation to be hosted elsewhere, I do so understanding it is up to the hosts to dictate what happens when. As long as people know when they are invited, and any medical needs are catered for, then it is what it is. When we host, we get to choose to do it the way that suits us.

Grammarninja · 17/12/2025 16:45

DappledThings · 17/12/2025 16:27

No, I don't k ow what asking means. In my world I would take someone asking entirely at face value and respond based entirely on whether it suited me or not and whether the rationale for the question was sensible.

Wouldn't be so precious about my hosting to consider it someone sticking their oar in or that anyone was trying to dictate anything to me.

Life is so much nicer when you don't take simple requests as offensive.

Show quote history

How can you not take it as ungrateful, though? The implication is that despite the fact Op is laying everything on, the SIL would like to dictate her schedule. Surely if someone was willing to go out of their way to put on a lovely spread for your family, expecting no help or financial reimbursement, they should be allowed the grace of choosing dinner time. To make it clear that your ideal schedule is known is just rude at that point tbh.
People can say "I only just asked" but that oversimplifies things. Asking = I won't be happy if it's not the case and I want you to know that and more importantly, I'd prefer if you completely change your plans to fit in with mine even though you are the one going to all the effort and expense.

treesandsun · 17/12/2025 16:46

the person who's hosting and cooking it Get to choose the time and if that's at 6:00 AM and I'd be up and eating it at 6 Or say no thanks to the invite. She's got an absolute brass neck to try and dictate time you serve the food. Id reply and say we're doing it this time but if it doesn't work let us kn9w if you're wanting to do it yourself at home at your chosen time,

DappledThings · 17/12/2025 16:49

The implication is that despite the fact Op is laying everything on, the SIL would like to dictate her schedule
It isn't to me. If I were asked I wouldn't infer that in the least. I just wouldn’t see a request to change the plan as important or significant as a request. Now if that person was told no and then kicked off that's a totally different scenario where the words like "dictate" would become relevant. In the lack of any further info from OP they remain hyperbole.

Mothership4two · 17/12/2025 16:49

Anxioustealady · 17/12/2025 16:37

Such dramatic language, refuse, demand, dictate...

She wouldn't be refusing, just choosing not to if it didn't suit her. If I was hosting but a guest would rather not come due to timings I'd rather at least know why so I could decide if I could fix it.

Show quote history

You are just playing with words. I don't think 'refusing' is that dramatic IMO. Of course the SIL would be refusing to come if she didn't get her way - she'd be making a point. I'm sure if SIL rang them to say "I'm just choosing not to come for Christmas as your plans don't suit me" they would fall about laughing.

However, if OP had started a thread "my SIL is choosing not to come for Christmas unless we eat at a time that suits her" you'd get pretty similar replies - as I said.

Madcats · 17/12/2025 16:52

OP please can I have your "picky bits" menu; it sounds perfect!

I begrudgingly shift meal times for the elderly and toddlers; both seem to like eating 'normal' main meals at 5pm; 6pm at a push but otherwise it is mostly "we're hosting; our rules".

RampantIvy · 17/12/2025 16:54

We tend to aim for a late lunch rather than an evening meal as DH just can't eat a big meal in the evening for medical reasons and none of us want to be clearing dishes in the evening.

If someone had invited us for a huge Christmas dinner in the evening we wouldn't ask them to change their meal plans, but we would probably have to decline.

Having said that we always have Christmas at home anyway and all of our friends and family know about DH's health issues and would take that into consideration.

DoloresDelEriba · 17/12/2025 17:02

😂😂😂

Er, no.

Daygloboo · 17/12/2025 17:02

Cartaz · 17/12/2025 12:41

DH’s family have always had a fry up/homemade pastries for breakfast. Proper posh, homemade canapés for lunch with cocktails. Think prawn and lobster vol au vents, mini Brie and cranberry puffs, arancini etc - so properly substantial. And then the Christmas meal as dinner.

They are amazing cooks so it’s indulgent. But the thing I like about this is you are eating when you are hungry. My family did the more typical eat a bit later at around 2pm. But I always found after picky bits/breakfast just general grazing eating a full roast was too much. And you obviously want all the nice extra bits.

This new way I feel like the time pressure is off and everyone gets stuck in more. Just more relaxed (for us).

I’ve adopted what dh’s family do. But SIL who is staying with us this year as we are hosting has asked that we bring to forward as it more traditional.

I just don’t get doing something one way cause everyone else is doing it that way.

To me it’s just more relaxed and who doesn’t love a candlelight dinner. I can’t believe the cheek of SIL

I spent a few yeara doing evening xmas dinner when i was married. It was actually reslly nice

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 17/12/2025 17:03

Anxioustealady · 17/12/2025 16:15

A lot of drama over nothing, she only asked.

Would people complaining about the absolute cheek to demand (ask) prefer if the SIL just decided not to come rather than ask if things could be changed?

yes! I would prefer that someone declined my invitation rather than put me in a position to have to tell them no! It would leave a sour taste in my mouth that someone could be so rude as to ask to rearrange everything to suit themselves.

Daisymail · 17/12/2025 17:07

OccasionalHope · 17/12/2025 12:45

She can dictate the timings when she hosts.

Absolutely this.

SquigglePigs · 17/12/2025 17:08

It's not unreasonable of her to ask, but it's also not unreasonable of you to say no, you prefer it the way you planned it.

RampantIvy · 17/12/2025 17:09

Where did the OP say dictate or demand?

BiddyPopthe2nd · 17/12/2025 17:13

Is it SIL married in to your family? Or SIL either married into or DSis of DH’s family?

Either way, I think the answer can be “our house, our rules”.

But if your family, you could explain it more, whereas DH family, say it’s what you enjoy about his family traditions.

BiddyPopthe2nd · 17/12/2025 17:17

(It’s always been evening dinner in my family - both my DPs and DGPs on DF side, and in my nuclear family too when we stay home. Whereas DAunt did it at lunch for DGM on DMs side, and DPIL also do late lunch.

Worst if it is, when we visit “down home”, as DPs and DPILs are relatively close to each other, we intend eating at only one (which alternates for fairness) but get fed twice regardless of the plan…hence we like to stay in our house some years…)