Sister in law asking we don’t do Christmas meal as dinner

[Cartaz]

DH’s family have always had a fry up/homemade pastries for breakfast. Proper posh, homemade canapés for lunch with cocktails. Think prawn and lobster vol au vents, mini Brie and cranberry puffs, arancini etc - so properly substantial. And then the Christmas meal as dinner.

They are amazing cooks so it’s indulgent. But the thing I like about this is you are eating when you are hungry. My family did the more typical eat a bit later at around 2pm. But I always found after picky bits/breakfast just general grazing eating a full roast was too much. And you obviously want all the nice extra bits.

This new way I feel like the time pressure is off and everyone gets stuck in more. Just more relaxed (for us).

I’ve adopted what dh’s family do. But SIL who is staying with us this year as we are hosting has asked that we bring to forward as it more traditional.

I just don’t get doing something one way cause everyone else is doing it that way.

To me it’s just more relaxed and who doesn’t love a candlelight dinner. I can’t believe the cheek of SIL

Is it maybe too late for her to eat. Depends what time main meal is at. I wouldn't eat a large meal after 6 pm.

Oh I cannot stand this sort of rudeness!! You have invited her for a light lunch followed by dinner in the evening. Either she accepts what is offered or she declines, anything else, especially "I want you to do it my way!!" is rude! You dont like the invite? Dont accept it, simple as.

I once told my parents that I was serving Xmas dinner in the evening instead of lunchtime. My mothers reaction was akin to as if I had said I was serving freshly boiled puppies as the main course.

She made such a HUGE (and I do mean huge) fuss about it that in the end it was easier to do it at lunch time. But I was a lot younger then and her sulks were legendary, which meant that my father was pushing me to change my mind as he would cop it too. Now I would say that she was welcome to cook her own lunch but we were eating at 6 and ignore her sulking, but as I say, I was younger and more easily bullied then.

What would you do if you were staying with a family that ate at 6.30? Just sit and pick at your food?

I’m amazed at how brittle and set in their ways some folk are. It must be exhausting.

a fry up/homemade pastries for breakfast. Proper posh, homemade canapés for lunch with cocktails. Think prawn and lobster vol au vents, mini Brie and cranberry puffs, arancini etc - so properly substantial. And then the Christmas meal as dinner.

Genuinely that is a shit load of food in one day. Are you having dinner at London shire time of 8pm?

Why are posters putting words into the OP's mouth.

She never ued the words "dictate" or "demand".

Stop projecting.

@Cartaz are you going to come back to this thread or are you laughing at everyone frothing at the mouth?

@Cartaz- you’ve not said what time you do Christmas dinner, and if there’s going to be young children there.

Are her parents/grandparents eating with you? If so, are they elderly? Maybe they prefer to eat earlier as a lot of elderly people do. There’s normally a reason for a suggestion like this, I personally wouldn’t ask the host to change their plans but it’s difficult to vote as I don’t have the full picture.

Neither do I. Most families organise it between themselves with everyone putting forward their requests depending on needs like travel, babies etc and then everyone tries to make it work.
Non family would be different though.
We have main meal as a late lunch here. Sometimes it's a sit down meal, sometimes it's a barbecue as it's summer here.
Everyone contributes to the meal too.
We probably are a bit more relaxed here though, due to it being summer.

My family always eat the main Christmas meal at about 3/4. With some sort of nibbles earlier on to keep people going.

Just say “ no, this is our tradition , we like it this way”. She asked , you declined !

It's up to you, but it sounds like a hell of a lot of work to do a fry up, home made canapés AND Christmas dinner, instead of just Christmas dinner at 2pm ish. I wouldn't have enough oven space, fridge space, dishwasher space or surfaces for all that. Or appetite. I do make canapés but they are the starter and we have them at 12 o'clock when the inlaws come round, with a glass of fizz and exchanging presents. Breakfast is very simple, something like a pain au chocolat and coffee. Then after a three course meal from 2pm, no-one feels like more than a bit of cheese or a mince pie in the evening. I have my feet up and a bit of a snooze by late afternoon and nothing else to do. Delaying it until tea time would mean delaying when I can fully relax after everything is done.

Why is it rude or cheeky to ask? If it’s a simple question then fair enough. Perhaps she has toddlers and wants them included and they get grouchy early evening. Fair enough ask.

equally if OP says no, that’s fair enough to and the SIL should be accepting.

No harm in someone simply asking. Everyone acting like she’s a diva for a simple question.

Well as others have said, you’re the host, your decision. Does she need to be somewhere?

By early evening people just want to slump on the sofa watching Christmas telly not sit round a table!

This.

Also, how is it LESS stressful cooking all day instead of just doing 1 knock-out meal? 🤔

Your house your rules - your sil is being rude. We eat in the evening too - we tried the lunch thing - it just got in the way of a lovely walk to the pub for a few drinks and we felt full and slovenly for the rest of the day…so we moved it - agree the candle light dinner feels special. Each to their own and your sil should respect that!

Do what works for you.
We do a posh breakfast then Christmas lunch and no tea. I wouldn't want to go to bed having had a big meal. It's your home though and it sounds like you enjoy it.

SiL isn't wrong for asking but you're not wrong for refusing (your house your rules), but have you asked her reasons for wanting an early meal? Could it be she knows she'll have indigestion eating such a large meal in the evening (I know I would) We have a light breakfast (croissants, toast etc) while opening presents then Christmas dinner at about 12pm and a picky tea of leftovers if/when we get hungry (we have a large buffet on Christmas eve so there's usually plenty of picky bits left)

Because you are putting the host in a position of having to either say no ( which some people struggle with or are uncomfortable with) or having to change their plans. Its simply rude to expect things to work around your wishes.

But they aren’t expecting it, simply asking if it is a possibility.

Have you never asked to change plans or enquired about something as it may be more suitable to you? It doesn’t need to be aggressive or confrontational. A simple yes/no sufficed and everyone moves on.

If someone can’t say “sorry the timing I think works best for most so sticking as is” and truly feel really uncomfortable, why are they even hosting those people in their homes at all?

Does she have young kids who will struggle to stay up for a civilised candlelight evening meal? I'd adjust to accommodate kids. I expect they'd prefer pigs in blankets and roast potatoes over lobster vol au vents. But if you're all adults your plan sounds lovely and she's rude to request changing the timings.

No i simply would never expect others to change pre established plans to suit my needs. I would either decline the invitation if i couldn’t re work things to accommodate it or i would change my plans to accommodate it. Anyway OP has stated its purely because her Sil wants it at a more “ traditional” time not because of any solid reason. Its the same as when a group of friends make a plan to do something and then they add someone else to the group and already established plans who then tries to change everything to suit them better. Its the height of bad manners! I would never put my Sil in this position ( as i know she wouldn’t with me) even though i know that she would have absolutely no problem telling me no.

This is a classic case of people not communucating with each other. Why can't the OP, who appears to have disappeared, have a sensible discussion with the SIL instead of starting a post to stir everyone up?

So if you could not change your plans, you simply say “thank you for inviting me to our family Christmas. However I shan’t be in attendance?” Not just a “could we do this instead? No issues if not!”

Christmas is typically done the same on repeat ‘just because’ as opposed to it being for a reason and as family grows and evolves, new partners, kids etc, it isn’t unreasonable to expect at some point in that families lifetime someone may want to shift the routine a little.

I don't think asking to shift Christmas around amongst family is the same as a friends event being planned, that you’ve been added to at the 11th hour.

Think we will agree to disagree on this one.

Have a lovely Christmas!

It’s cheeky because it’s dictating to someone what they should do when they are the HOST. It’s not for her to decide. She should be grateful the OP is hosting her.