Sister in law asking we don’t do Christmas meal as dinner

[Cartaz]

DH’s family have always had a fry up/homemade pastries for breakfast. Proper posh, homemade canapés for lunch with cocktails. Think prawn and lobster vol au vents, mini Brie and cranberry puffs, arancini etc - so properly substantial. And then the Christmas meal as dinner.

They are amazing cooks so it’s indulgent. But the thing I like about this is you are eating when you are hungry. My family did the more typical eat a bit later at around 2pm. But I always found after picky bits/breakfast just general grazing eating a full roast was too much. And you obviously want all the nice extra bits.

This new way I feel like the time pressure is off and everyone gets stuck in more. Just more relaxed (for us).

I’ve adopted what dh’s family do. But SIL who is staying with us this year as we are hosting has asked that we bring to forward as it more traditional.

I just don’t get doing something one way cause everyone else is doing it that way.

To me it’s just more relaxed and who doesn’t love a candlelight dinner. I can’t believe the cheek of SIL

When she hosts she decides

I wouldn’t be happy if I had to eat Christmas dinner in the evening, I’d be trying not to eat too much all day, and then would have horrid indigestion later when trying to sleep! Yes we often have a main meal in the evening, but Christmas dinner is much bigger and richer. If I was close to my SIL I’d suggest earlier, but no I wouldn’t demand to change it if that’s what they prefer. I’d try to host next year!

You don’t understand the subtlety then. Asking someone to change THEIR plans for hosting meals they are making for others, unless there are very young children involved, is rude and entitled.

I choose to take questions at face value and not ascribe rudeness to them unnecessarily. Therefore if it was asked of me I wouldn't consider it rude at all and I'm not convinced at all that politely asking a question is ever rude. It certainly isn't dictating.

As I say, you’re not understanding the subtlety…

No, I'm saying believing there is a subtlety to it that insults you is a choice.

You’re simply not getting it…

No, I just disagree with what you consider the subtext of an inquiry. The inquiry could be made rudely of course but not necessarily. The act of asking, if done politely, if plans could be changed to accommodate something else is not rude in and of itself.

It is also not rude for the person asked to say no. The asking does not create an obligation on the person being asked to acquiesce.

I think you're not getting it MumsTheWorldYouKnow....
Imagine living your life thinking people are being sly, but they're just asking a question. People like you scare me, you hide in plain sight don't you?

What exactly does she need to accommodate. There’s no medical reason or small children to consider. It’s therefore unreasonable. She’s not serving dinner at 9pm lol.

Well you’re really missing the point. Where did you get sly from exactly? Why would what someone else thinks the timings should be trump the actual host’s? Unless there’s an actual reason, like medical, or the time genuinely being completely unreasonable, you go along with the plans of the host. Certainly what I would do. I can’t see any justification here for asking.

I have no idea what she might wish to consider accommodating because I don't know the details of the request. I never said she needs to accommodate anything, she doesn't need to even consider accommodating anything. Doesn't make the the request rude or the refusal.

Why would what someone else thinks the timings should be trump the actual host’s? Nobody said they do. That's the point. Making a request is not requiring the request to take precedence over the original plan and certainly isn't a suggestion that the requested change trumps the original.

You choose to see a request as putting an imposition on the person being asked to do something. It isn't. You can just as easily take it at face value as an open request and decline it or even decline to consider it.

i think asking is taking quite a risk, some people find it rude, some don’t. Given you don’t know which side the host is on you risk being seen as rude - this is rarely a good outcome, even if they change their times - they will have you pinned as rude and imposing and likely you won’t be invited back.

Exactly, assuming no tensions and everyone is nice: even if someone asks nicely, because they have asked the host will feel obliged to consider it because they are also nice. The fact the host has planned things down to a T for particular reasons and someone comes along saying why not do it this other way, will lead to friction. Believe me. Don’t forget this is not the sister but SIL, so not really ever going to be close enough to say that. Even a sister is at risk asking this. The host could feel criticised. Read the OP!

Imagine living your life thinking people are being sly

I don't know about sly, but passive aggressiveness seems to be a national sport. MIL is a past master at it. I prefer people to be upfront with me, but I would think anyone asking if we could change our traditional Christmas day timetable just for them was plain rude (and potentially having a PA dig). Although I'm not great at handling PA and I'm sure a lot goes over my head!

I suppose, I have a small salad for starter and no dessert ever so I’m never too full