Sister in law asking we don’t do Christmas meal as dinner

[Cartaz]

DH’s family have always had a fry up/homemade pastries for breakfast. Proper posh, homemade canapés for lunch with cocktails. Think prawn and lobster vol au vents, mini Brie and cranberry puffs, arancini etc - so properly substantial. And then the Christmas meal as dinner.

They are amazing cooks so it’s indulgent. But the thing I like about this is you are eating when you are hungry. My family did the more typical eat a bit later at around 2pm. But I always found after picky bits/breakfast just general grazing eating a full roast was too much. And you obviously want all the nice extra bits.

This new way I feel like the time pressure is off and everyone gets stuck in more. Just more relaxed (for us).

I’ve adopted what dh’s family do. But SIL who is staying with us this year as we are hosting has asked that we bring to forward as it more traditional.

I just don’t get doing something one way cause everyone else is doing it that way.

To me it’s just more relaxed and who doesn’t love a candlelight dinner. I can’t believe the cheek of SIL

FGS she isn't dictating, she is asking.

Since when did asking become dictating?

Your house, your rules.

When she hosts she can do what she likes.

No negotiation. Stick to this over all such matters. When I was confronted with this sort of disgruntlement from my own family years ago, I gave them the choice - mine or stay at home. Needless to say, me doing all the work and husband and I footing the bill soon changed their minds. After a decade even the simmering grumbling subsided.
I do Christmas on our own nowadays. It’s much easier to invite family for a specific meal so they don’t make unreasonable demands.

I can't imagine eating all that either, no cooked breakfast here Christmas morning (we have croissants, scotch pancakes or crumpets while everyone opens presents) Christmas dinner is at about midday, then visit family in the afternoon and if anyone is hungry at teatime they make themselves a sandwich. Eating a huge roast dinner in the evening would have me up half the night with indigestion

Wow - no issue with a later dinner as such but that is a LOT of food in one day. No way I’d be eating a roast in the evening after all that. That is also a lot of pressure on guests to eat. I mean seriously, a person would need to be the size of a house for all that not to make them ill. And I would worry about seeming ungrateful if I didn’t eat something from everything you’ve provided.

When we did Christmas Lunch as an early dinner I found that in reality, a lot of people really like to watch Christmas TV and the schedule is set-up best for a Christmas lunch rather than dinner. So religious TV shows in the morning. Family-friendly cultural stuff like the ballet in the afternoon where lunch is fitted over the top of. Then family films from 3.30pm until 7ish when the big hitting Christmas specials start.

I know ‘live’ TV isn’t so important anymore but lots of people do like all the food and family obligations to be done by 7pm so they can settle into elasticated waistbands and enjoy a cosy evening.

Before children we would go for a long walk after a generous brunch of pastries and hot chocolate. Then we’d have an afternoon trip to the pub and then start cooking dinner 4.30 ish for a 6pm ish start. I learnt pretty quickly that everybody hated it and wanted to be watching Wallace and Gromit at 5pm with a full belly like the rest of the country.

Frankly, unless you have an east wing and a west wing in your home, your Christmas actually sounds pretty pretentious and too food-heavy. Don’t be surprised if some silently hate it.

We’ve moved into an earlier Christmas lunch model - although not so early that we are done by the kings speech. Everyone is much happier. I think that we have become so narcissistic as a society we’ve forgotten that being a gracious host means putting the guest’s needs first and ensuring they are having a good time - this means to your own detriment at times.

With this in mind, I’d urge you to reconsider the timings of your Christmas Day.

as a PS. I’ve just read some more of other people’s comments on here. I am genuinely shocked at what ungracious hosts everyone seems to be. ‘My house, my rules’ type attitude is for managing unpleasant things like smoking or swearing. If you’re hosting people for lunch or dinner, the polite thing to do is to find out if the timing and the dishes provided are likely to cause guests a problem. If it is likely to cause a problem, you adjust things accordingly. Why on earth would you host someone entirely in your preferred way knowing they absolutely hate it? That’s weird.

I haven't heard this retort for a long time. As someone who's desperately trying to shed my people pleasing tendencies, I'm bringing it back into everyday parlance.

How does it waste the rest of the day???
We have ours around midday and have time to visit my mum in the afternoon (used to visit in-laws to when they were alive) then chill out in the evening with wine, chocolate and leftovers.

If you're from certain parts of the UK 'dinner' is the meal eaten in the middle of the day, so Christmas dinner wouldn't be eaten in the evening (that would be Christmas tea or supper)

Arranging your christmas day entirely around the TV is not something I'd want to go along with - if I was visiting your house I would find the TV obsession imposing - and I'd wish that you switched it off and focused on people instead of screens - but of course I wouldn't say a thing.

I want my Xmas meal at 1pm.

I'd hate waiting till the evening so I wouldn't attend.

I wouldn't ask people to rearrange the day to suit me.

Everyone saying it’s too big a meal for later evening, what do you normally do in a working week? Do you manage big lunches like that normally and then have small evening meals? I’m the opposite, due to having a very light lunch most days I couldn’t eat a Xmas dinner earlier than 4pm. Do people not go out for bigger meals in the evening?

I think you'll find that people simply have a blow out at Christmas. We usually just have a sandwich for lunch most days and a cooked meal in the evening, but a much smaller cooked meal than a Christmas dinner (plus chocolates and other goodies).

We usually have an evening meal on Christmas Day so we'll eat a light breakfast at 11 and then dinner around 6pm. It's not often we eat more than 2 meals a day even on Christmas Day. We're in our 50's - we are not able to eat as much as we used to, I'll stop eating on the first feeling of full, so I won't be bloated and uncomfortable all afternoon or all evening, I've learned my lesson. If it had to be lunch at someone else's house- we'd skip breakfast. It's not hard, we're still able to be flexible.

Spaghetti bolognaise is a lot easier to digest than a 3 course Christmas roast dinner

It needs to be one or the other, IMO. Either early enough that breakfast is out the way and it's 'lunch', or late enough that a mid-morning snack or light lunch can be had without spoiling it. We tend to go for sometime between 2 and 4 pm.

Ummmm. No. Christmas dinner would be 6pm-7pm and I'm from up north, where we supposedly say tea. I don't know anybody who ever said Christmas Tea 😂

It wouldn't work for us due to evening commitments but if you are hosting, you get the say.

We generally eat breakfast around 9am then have Christmas dinner about 3pm. In the past we have then gone to either my parent's or my brothers house for tea which is usually a buffet & eaten around 8pm. This year we have an early start on Boxing Day so will probably still do the same but be back home a bit earlier.

On Sundays we call it having Sunday Dinner at teatime.

Gosh that sounds exhausting for the person who has offered to pay for and cook a Christmas dinner. What if several of your guests had different opinions on what they wanted Xmas day to look like? How would you be the gracious host you like to be, catering to a number of different requirements? For example Aunty Carol wants dinner at 7pm but Grandma wants hers at midday? How would you accommodate every individual whim?
Where do we draw the line when it comes to guest requests? Does one person’s request trump everyone else who are in agreement with each other?

I personally think that a good guest
is easygoing and accepts the host’s schedule, because they are the ones providing the hospitality.

ETA - we’d never watch tv on Christmas Day, we’re too busy chatting and playing games. An early evening dinner works perfectly for us. Just goes to show, you can’t possibly say what most people like to do on Xmas day because everyone is different.

Is there a reason for sail request? does Sil have younger kids?

That’s why you talk about it in advance. I’m not a TV person either and encourage games and conversation but a lot of people do plan their day by the TV. As long as I know I can account for it. I agree, if you’re hosting a few people for Christmas it IS hard work making sure everyone’s needs are met as much as possible. That’s why it’s a task worthy of gratitude and not a task to be taken-on lightly. Inviting others to sit-in on what you are definitely going to do your way come-hell-or-high-water, isn’t really hosting.

If there are a few different people wanting different times then there will need to be a compromise finding a time that works for most, and maybe someone will be disappointed. There is sometimes not a perfect answer. Nonetheless, the hosts preference is immaterial.

I’ve had to push things back to allow for guests travel, bring things forward to allow for children’s bed times and serve in a very precise window because of diabetes and I’m glad my loved ones feel close enough to let me know what they need.

If it makes no material difference to the OP, I can’t see why the main Christmas roast can’t be switched with the lunch and a lighter breakfast consumed (probably sensible anyway).

Sure, the ideal guest is easygoing, but if they aren’t, it’s usually for a reason important to them. Maybe it’s a me thing, but if I care enough to invite them to Christmas dinner, I also care enough to do it in a way they will enjoy. I mean, I’m sure there are limits to my goodwill, I’m not a saint, but I think the time of the main meal is totally negotiable.

In this case, it’s because the SIL thinks a Christmas lunch is more traditional. I’d be very embarrassed to suggest to my host that they alter the day, simply because I thought it more traditional to eat at 12.
As a host, I’d accommodate children needing to eat at certain times, people needing to eat for medical reasons and of course, dietary restrictions. I absolutely wouldn’t accommodate someone’s asinine whims and I don’t think that makes me a bad host. It’s my Christmas too.

Tell her to jog on. I also enjoy having a nice breakfast (although nothing as fancy/indulgent your in laws do!) and snacking on other treats so usually none of us are ready for dinner until 4/5pm. I can’t imagine having to rush to produce a dinner for 2pm! Maybe that works for some families and that’s fine, but you are hosting so you do what suits you.

TEAM SIL depending…

Sadly, your plan wouldn’t work for me OP as I prefer to eat my main meal around lunchtime/early afternoon. If I eat my main meal later in the evening, I end up feeling very ill with digestion problems.

I cook a meal for DS and myself and eat mine late afternoon. DS eats around 7pm and DH eats a separate meal he sorts himself around 9pm every day. It is a pain that we never eat together but at least I don’t inconvenience anyone else.

As you’re a decent host, I think it’s worth finding out why she wants to eat earlier. If it’s just because they’ve always done it that way, then you should stand firm, with your planed day as it’s perfectly reasonable. 🤷🏻‍♀️

However, if she suffers from a digestive issue like me, I think you should discuss it further and try to find a solution that she can cope with. If I was your SIL, I’d eat more food around lunch time then probably have a tiny side plate of vegetables at dinner just to be sociable.

Do people still bother watching live TV these days? I haven’t done that at Christmas since the 80’s and Morecombe and Wise Xmas specials. 😂

I prefer to eat at lunchtime too (about 2pm), but I would never ask someone else to do it my way - when in Rome and all that!