Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

She doesn't want to, she doesn't have to, and she is not going to. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

You are entitled to feel anything you like of course, but it won't change anything, better just to accept reality and keep on trucking

My mother is the same. The cat sitting for siblings as well. It’s upsetting. Not much you can do though

You only ask her to help out every 6 months but she babysits 4 times per year but also literally never helps you with the kids?

That doesn't sound fair, but in the nicest possible way, why is she happy to babysit for other GC but not your kids?

OP I'm pretty sure I was on a thread with you quite recently where you said you have a nanny? (AS isn't working)

If it was you and I've got that right, could that be why?

This. The maths ain’t mathing.

My mother is the same, she wasn’t very maternal growing up and has definitely been very uninterested in my children while they were younger and now is all very shocked my children are polite but uninterested in her. She wasn’t much help for her elderly mother when she was alive but she honestly doesn’t see herself as being uncaring or uninterested. She tells everyone who will listen what a close family we are. I grey rock a lot now as she doesn’t get to have an opinion on my family. She finds it very hard to say nice things about anyone some days.

She might find how many you have overwhelming?

Yes. She has a nanny who wore her slippers and that freaked her out. This is that poster.

She also has a father, but apparently is only cross with her mum about not offering childcare.

And I think she has five kids. I don’t think I could babysit five kids, tbh.

Some people just don't want to look after their grandkids. It sucks but that's life. Just don't expect any different as you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Thanks. I dont have 5 kids and my parents are separated, father is not around hence not asking him. He couldn't be trusted to look after a child anyway. The nanny is only available for the 10 hours I work in addition to school hours as she is studying.

Sacré furque!
Blimey, Team Granma!

I don't understand it, I can't imagine ever being so disinterested in my kids or their children when they have them.

My husband asks her about babysitting. 4 times a year is about the max. I've given up asking as there is always some excuse no matter how much notice I give. I'm talking about when we are really stuck with a situation arising, maybe every 6 months and could do with an hour of help.

10 hours of nanny is substantially more nanny than the zero hours of nanny most people have.

So, a couple of months ago, when you were asking about ‘5 kids aged 10 and under, youngest 2 kids are twins’ that was an intellectual exercise?

And your parents lived together, a 5 minute drive away, a few months ago. I’m very sorry to hear that they’ve now separated.

Whatever else might be going on, I’d be astonished if your mother is concerned about those in-laws’ good opinions.

Either way, surely your having children was not contingent on your mother taking up an occupation as your childminder.
Any child-minding she offers should be seen pretty much as bunce, and not part of some covenant binding her to your household, giving you the right to feel aggrieved about her availability.

What she does with your siblings is her business. (She might be besotted with an infant/ cat/ oil painting in one of the other homes, and she has every right to her preferences!)
Grandparents aren’t government departments, subject to scrutiny by public committees overseeing even-handedness.
Don’t stress yourself about what you are not being offered. No promises are being broken here, so it’s just causing yourself fruitless anxiety to fret this way. 🙂

Yes all of this

Where is your husband in all this ? Are you together?

Im working to pay for those 10 hours. That is the only choice in my locality as there are no afterschool facilities.

Yes but he works long hours and has to travel and stag overnight some times.

How many children? Ages? Perhaps they are too much for your mother if she is elderly

I actually don't ask her to mind them all at once as its usually a situation where only one or two need to be minded. And she's only babysat them when they were all in bed.

So how many DC do you have under 10? Honestly, I'd struggle with more than a single GC at a time. I want and do love having GD, but she is our only one.

I have 2 children and they have 2 children each. I look after my grandchildren quite a lot, mostly every week and I like to keep it the same amount for each child.
Do you have more than 2 children? I really don’t think we could cope with looking after more than 2 children.
I also wouldn’t look after pets but no one in my family has pets.

😂😂

some posters forget others have long memories or can get the stupid search to actually work occasionally!!