Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

She's a 5 minute drive away. So not difficult for her.

@SilverDoublet

Please answer the question I’ve asked multiple time about your financial situation compared to siblings.

Are you much better off?

Thank you. She's not particularly elderly. She has lots of energy to go off and do things she wants to do. I'm not asking for her to help me on a weekly basis or even once a month. She seems to think that I have loads of energy and don't need any help. I've explained to her that she is the only backup we have due to not having any other grandparents nearby, while my siblings inlaws live nearby and take their kids once a week and for sleepovers. I think possibly their inlaws may be calling her expecting her to help out with their mutual grandchildren... But it feels really unfair.

She doesn't want to, does not have to, nor does she have to explain why.

You chose to have four kids and you already knew what she was like as a parent, so why would you expect an improvement when they're not even her kids?

You can rattle on for life about how unfair it is and how much harder it is for you, but it won't change who your Mum is or what level of help she will offer. So better not to waste your energy really!

One is better off than me, one is less well off, but by choice of deliberately choosing to not take a well paid job they are qualified for.

OP you are coming across as entitled and judgey… equally this sibling who is less well off according to you through their own choices would be within their rights to perhaps say OP
feels hard done by on childcare front but she chose to still have 4 children…

Financial planning for many years, job with not as good a salary as could have achieved but with a good pension. We’ve downsized to our lovely city centre flat already and will have enough income to pay for carers/cleaner etc. if and when required. Everything we need is within 10 minutes on foot, less should we need scooters at some point 😁. Been able to gift the kids decent sums too to help them out. Wills sorted. Will put POAs in place with first hint of need.
Of course, no plan is foolproof and we know only too well with very serious health problems over the years that anything can happen but we’ve done what we can. My husband is very much in favour of euthanasia always has been, should he loose capacity. I’m not so sure. Very private, would struggle with a care home. Doing what I reasonably can to avoid that, certainly in terms of physical fitness anyway.

I don't mind the heating being on, but she has it fully on for the whole time she's there, with the result we often have to open windows when we get home.

So what? 🤷🏻‍♀️

No wonder she doesn’t to see you. You sound like you loathe her!

Yeah so what? She’s doing you a favour FFS. Unless you suspect she’s deliberately trying to waste money she was obviously a bit cold. Honestly it is as clear as day to me why she won’t babysit for you but she will for other people. I can’t believe you can’t see it yourself.

I've never even mentioned the heating to her actually. I'm mentioning it here that it's easy for her and comfortable for her to babysit. Better than her own house. But max she does it is about 3 times a year, when she lives 5 min away. Anyway you all clearly think I'm in the wrong for thinking a grandmother might like to help out once in a while or have a relationship with their grandchildren and to provide any kind of support to their children. Mumsnet is a sad place.

With your update, I don't think you are wrong. I would struggle with 4 kids, but if they were in bed, I would certainly help 4 times a year or even more.

However, from what you say, she doesn't sound like she was ever a good mum. I wouldn't want to leave my kids with her. I think you are better off without her.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP.. I think coming to terms with the fact you just haven't got the best relationship with a parent is very hard. Seems like your kids are getting to an age where they can be left for the occasions you would have needed your mother.
You could speak to her about how you feel but it probably wouldn't be taken very well. But do you need the drama,?

They wouldn't actually, as they also have 4 children.

Your poor mum. So, she is expected to look after 8 children?

How many children did your mum have? What help did she have?

How is it that you don't ask her to have them all at once, yet they are all in bed?

Grandparent looked after us and my parents often went away, leaving us with the grandparent.

For me the fact she babysits for your siblings would be the most hurtful thing of all. If you hadn’t added that in I’d say YABU because it’s obviously her choice, she has her own life to lead and so on but she clearly has no issue with babysitting, just not for you.

Thank you. It's also the fact that that siblings' mother in law also happily takes all their kids for several full days in a row, takes their kids on holidays, etc etc. They don't need help from my mum. While we have no support at all, as in laws all live at least 2 hours away and my mum is 5mins away.

Maybe change the narrative and take a look at yourself and potential reasons of your parents for more involvement in your siblings lives than yours.
Are you confident there isn't other issues?From your posts, I wouldn't be.

You always have a judgey answer where you are right, don't you.

So many things about this thread just don’t add up……

And I am often amazed that posters whose lives are apparently so busy with full time work and big families, that they even have time to post on mumsnet.

Another one. You don't mind the heating but you post in detail about it critise her on the forum but say you don't mins. 'Better than her own house' you continual have the right answers that involved an undercurrent of snidey judgement.
You work to pay the nanny 'because there is no after school care'
Your husband is exempt from all this because he works long hours. But his hours don't pay the nanny. Yours do.
Continually judging your mother about how much interest she has in her grandchildren. But an 'interest' seems to be if she will mind them. Not you going round with them and spending time all together.
This is only what you post so the reality of judgement and criticism is likely to be higher in real life.
Maybe these are the reasons. Worth giving a thought, maybe.

Good god. I mean your mum is probably sick of grandkids.

Ok, you're right and I'm wrong. You know all the details of my life obviously more than I do. Thanks.