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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandmother who never helps us

351 replies

SilverDoublet · 16/12/2025 23:26

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

OP posts:
Plumtreerd · 17/12/2025 07:06

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 00:26

So would you rather just not see your grandchildren? As I said, I.m not taking advantage of my mother's time at all. My siblings possibly are, and it's for their own benefit, so they can go on holidays etc. I rarely ask for help, only in rare circumstances where we are really stuck.

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How many children do you have, and how many children do your siblings have?

If you have 4 or 5 and your siblings have 1 or 2 then I can see why she is able to offer more help to them.

AbbaCadaBra · 17/12/2025 07:09

Tdcp · 16/12/2025 23:40

Some people just don't want to look after their grandkids. It sucks but that's life. Just don't expect any different as you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.

I am childfree so perhaps I am missing something. Is there some law that dictates that women are automatically expected to look after grandkids whether they wish to or not? After a lifetime of raising children? - which from my observation is one of the most difficult jobs.

if this poor woman is already looking after 2 sets of grandchildren (God help her) how on earth does she have capacity for one more set?

MaryBeardsShoes · 17/12/2025 07:10

Why is baby sitting the only time your mum would get to see the kids? Don’t you visit her with the kids and, you know, parent them? My SIL expects me to jump at the chance to babysit but I never hear from her otherwise. Needless to say, I don’t rush to help her out.

Jane143 · 17/12/2025 07:10

ForZanyAquaViewer · 16/12/2025 23:40

Yes. She has a nanny who wore her slippers and that freaked her out. This is that poster.

She also has a father, but apparently is only cross with her mum about not offering childcare.

And I think she has five kids. I don’t think I could babysit five kids, tbh.

Edited
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I was feeling sympathy until I saw this. If she the woman who has a nanny and got annoyed about the slippers then she sounds very hard work. I’d avoid helping her too

HRTQueen · 17/12/2025 07:13

Oh look one starts and the sheep follow with their bitching ignore them op

it’s hurtful having a mum who shows favouritism, to not come and see your children/show interest of course is hurtful but only advice I can give is to lower expectations. Maybe this was a pattern growing up (maybe not) but you are not being unreasonable to feel hurt by her actions

ThatsaGreatidea · 17/12/2025 07:14

My mother only helps my younger sister who has 2 dc. She won’t help me at all. It’s just favouritism. She also expects me to help her so that my sister can have an easier life! It works both ways I told her to F off! When she has been unwell and called me at all
hours so as not to wake my sister I’ve put the phone down her reasoning was I live much nearer but she can’t have it all her way

Shinyandnew1 · 17/12/2025 07:15

How many children do you have??

Why don't you use a nanny or babysitter if you want to go out? Clearly your mum doesn't want to have all of your children for some reason or another

localnotail · 17/12/2025 07:29

ForZanyAquaViewer · 16/12/2025 23:36

This. The maths ain’t mathing.

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Come on, it must be on average. Either way, its 2 or 4 times a year which is not that different in terms of what OP is talking about.

RampantIvy · 17/12/2025 07:37

I have commited the cardinal cime of searching the OP's other posts. She has four children and wants a fifth child. She describes herself as loving the chaos.

I can see why her mum doesn't want to babysit four children, two of whom are toddlers.

Holluschickie · 17/12/2025 07:41

RampantIvy · 17/12/2025 07:37

I have commited the cardinal cime of searching the OP's other posts. She has four children and wants a fifth child. She describes herself as loving the chaos.

I can see why her mum doesn't want to babysit four children, two of whom are toddlers.

Edited

I'd struggle with this though I suppose I would do it in an emergency. But then I am very much a believer in having fewer children. I don't love chaos!

Owly11 · 17/12/2025 07:46

Why are you at the end of your tether with it? She is very clear that she won't help so i can't see why you act as if she is letting you down all the time. She doesn't want to be involved so she isn't letting you down. It's sad for all of you but you need to grieve and move on instead of hoping it will change.

RampantIvy · 17/12/2025 07:48

I hate chaos too @Holluschickie
I think people need to come to terms with the fact that our parents don't always agree with our life choices.

Theroadt · 17/12/2025 07:49

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 00:00

My husband asks her about babysitting. 4 times a year is about the max. I've given up asking as there is always some excuse no matter how much notice I give. I'm talking about when we are really stuck with a situation arising, maybe every 6 months and could do with an hour of help.

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If your husband gets your mum’s help when he asks but not you, then the issue is between you and your mum and the fact it’s about your children is probably irrelevant. I’m sorry Op but maybe you are a bit more demanding/needy than you think? What I noticed was your ref to “an hour” - babysitting is never just that.

Holluschickie · 17/12/2025 07:50

Also I would much rather catsit than babysit. I prefer cats to most babies. Far easier.

daisychain01 · 17/12/2025 07:50

We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here

what does this mean, my partner is not from here....

so have they buggered off, leaving you to look after your kids? Maybe your DM thinks your priorities are wrong and you should be giving you partner grief, not her

herbalteabag · 17/12/2025 07:52

It sounds as though you are just expecting her to offer help randomly and without you asking? As you say that 4 times a year she does babysit, presumably when you need her and have asked her. What happens the rest of the time? Are you just waiting on the off chance she will offer, or are you asking her and she's outright saying no?

Bobiverse · 17/12/2025 07:52

daisychain01 · 17/12/2025 07:50

We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here

what does this mean, my partner is not from here....

so have they buggered off, leaving you to look after your kids? Maybe your DM thinks your priorities are wrong and you should be giving you partner grief, not her

How have you managed to get confused by that?
Her partner is not from here, which means his family isn’t from here. They live in his home country. So they can’t provide help.

I really despair at the lack of reading ability on this forum.

DaisyChain505 · 17/12/2025 07:55

Maybe she sees that you’re able to afford a nanny for 10 hours a day and realises you don’t need the free childcare.

Are your siblings not as financially well off as you?

Catsandcwtches · 17/12/2025 07:57

I have two kids aged 9 and 5 and I’ve only ever had one hour’s babysitting from my parents total in nine years. You can’t rely on others for help unfortunately I’ve found. Best to accept it and not dwell on it.

Sillyme1 · 17/12/2025 08:01

a person has to be young, or youngish and in good health to look after children. I am 70 and would love to look after my grandchildren more, but alas the other grandma has priority, she is ten nears younger than me. There are two sides to every story, but doing childcare for one’s children is not necessarily on the grandmothers CV!

Fifi2022 · 17/12/2025 08:02

SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 00:29

They really aren't. They work hard in school, are polite and well rounded kids.

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Maybe you're the nightmare?
Too many boundaries for grandma to adhere to?

CandyCaneKisses · 17/12/2025 08:03

It’s tough but it’s not her responsibility. I say this as someone who’s mother never helps either.

Original poster
SilverDoublet · 17/12/2025 08:07

Lettucealone · 17/12/2025 00:39

Five, according to an earlier thread people have mentioned. And her parents live 5 minutes away.

Except now they've split up which has caused her immense grief and she has a different number of children. Maybe she's just adopted some or had more?

She also has a ten hour a week nanny who wears her slippers, the monster. OPs life is so difficult, she's a courageous battler and an inspiration to us all 😇

Show quote history

I see the bullies in life hang out on mumsnet now. I thought this was supposed to be a supportive forum. I am not out to be an inspiration to you or anyone else here, that would just be weird. I am a struggling, working mother who looked for support and you choose to instead tear me down with your sarcastic comments. You should really be ashamed of yourself.

OP posts:
Fifi2022 · 17/12/2025 08:08

MyTrivia · 17/12/2025 04:25

Obviously, the main problem here is that your mum treats you poorly, compared to your siblings. Toxic parents are the way they are because of their own crappy childhoods - I have a mother like this. She uses me as a dumping ground for her unresolved issues. I often think that if I had siblings, we’d all be pitted against each other in similar ways that you describe.

YANBU to be angry or upset that your mother treats you poorly.

Another woke blaming 'toxic' parents

Bobiverse · 17/12/2025 08:08

You have a nanny and you only work 10 hours a week. Maybe your siblings aren’t that lucky so need help. You also have multiple very young children which is a lot of work for someone who’s older, which means you will get less help. You also keep saying you want more kids so if she commits to childcare, she’s going to have more kids handed to her as you have them.