Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

I had no grandparents to babysit for my children because they died before my children were born. I now have grandchildren of my own and babysit whenever I am asked even though I am over an hour away. Having said that it’s personal choice and my daughter’s mother in-law who lives near her has said she will only babysit occasionally. Not every grandparent wants to babysit perhaps they can’t cope or have health problems.

You work 10 hours a week and have a nanny. But you’re a struggling working mother?

I’m a single mum and have been for 12 years, and I run a business. Shall I play a tiny violin for you?

No, that is not me.

So how many children do you have then?

@SilverDoublet

Are your siblings as comfortable financially as you?

If you’re hiring a nanny for 10 hours a day and your siblings aren’t in the same position your mum may feel that she needs to offer childcare to them rather than you because you’re in a place where you can afford help from others and they aren’t?

Is the 'nanny' actually an au pair? It's not the same thing, and you might be causing confusion by describing an au pair as a 'nanny'. If it's an au pair who lives with you I can see why your mums perception might be that you have help on tap and don't need it in the same way as siblings.

The nanny is for 10 hours a week, children are school age. I work 35 hours a wk.

You don’t mention any affection or relationship with your DM. Do you see her regularly eg have lunch, coffee, invite her to tea, pop in for a chat? Perhaps she gets that from the others, you know, a normal give and take close relationship so is quite happy to be able to help.

Did she receive help from her DM or MIL when you were younger? if so then you’d hope she’d offer help occasionally, sort of like paying the favour forward.

Its such a difficult situation, I’d love more help from my DM, but she doesn’t offer & makes me feel awkward when I ask - frustratingly she received lots of help from her DM (my grandmother) when I was little, I’ve raised this with her & she tells me “things were different then”

People will tell you “she’s not obligated to” etc, they may be right…. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting.

While there is nothing you can do about it, as it is her choice, I would be remembering this when it's time for her to need elder care. I certainly wouldn't be first in line to burn myself out caring for her when the time comes.

@SilverDoublet HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?! It’s bizarre that you haven’t yet answered this question which has been repeatedly asked…

@SilverDoublet i think you’re getting a hard time here . Nanny or not I would be upset if my Mum lived 5 mins away and showed no interest in my kids and then made a clearly much different effort with my siblings. I don’t know why the nanny thing has got people up in arms (i appreciate it was quite a funny post) but are you not allowed to be upset about your your mother letting you down / not babysitting when she does for others because you have childcare that you work to pay for ?

Re your Mum, has your relationship always been difficult? Have you said you’d like her to spend more time with your children? Does your Mum still work? Does she do other things like ask after them, telephone or video calls?

I completely agree that the job of grandparents isn’t childcare. My parents are fit but older and don’t spend a huge amount of time with my dc but they lived 4 hrs away. They do show interest in their dgc and if they lived closer I would expect my parents to want to spend some time with my children and it would be painful if they showed no interest at all especially if it was in stark contrast to how they treated their other children.

My PIL live 1/2 hr away and both work 4 days a week - they’re very busy with social lives but have mostly helped out where they can (definitely more than 4 times this year and I feel I could ask them more than twice a year). The way I see it babysitting is a win win - my experience is that grandparents enjoy spending time with their dgc when I’m not there so they can build their own relationship. My dc is only 18 months though so perhaps it’s something to do with the fact they’re quite little and for my PIL their only gc.

FWIW i do think it is important how many children you have - if your siblings only have 1-2 and you do indeed have 4/5 then she genuinely may not be up to it but I would have thought that could have been discussed. I think you need to talk to her about how what she’s doing makes you feel excluded if you can have that conversation with her.

Yep that sums it up, women are expected to provide free labour all their lives, the same expectation is rarely aimed at men, but note, they do often get free credit for their wife babysitting, suddenly it's "the grandparents help out".
Women can be pretty misogynistic when it suits them.

How many children do you actually have?

why can’t your friend make their own mumsnet account?

The OP works full time and uses a nanny 10 hours a week for after school childcare. What sort of business do you run without childcare given your inability to master a few simple facts?

You didn’t answer the question about your siblings financial situation.

This could really be what it’s down to.

Your mum is older, and only has a set amount of time and energy when it comes to caring for kids. If she feels you can afford outside help yet your siblings can’t, that’s probably why she doesn’t offer her time to you.

My husband provides as much of the childcare as I do when we look after the grandchildren. He has always been extremely hands on. The same applies to our male friends with grandchildren.
We still only want to look after 2 of our grandchildren at the same time.

So you’re angry with your mother about the way you think she would behave if you had siblings (which you don’t). Good lord.

I think your options are to either ask your mum (nicely) why she favours her other grandchildren or to just accept it and not put any more thought into it

I've never relied on my mum for childcare, for different reasons to yours. It's not something I ever thought about - it just wasn't an option

I don’t think we can help very much here. DM doesn’t seem uninterested in her grandchildren in general, but goes to very little effort to help you. Her unhelpfulness must have something to do with your relationship, not her attitude to grandparenting or innate selfishness, but you aren’t giving much insight into that. Is it something you need to reflect on? Has she said anything overtly disapproving about how many children you have?

I hope to be a grandparent one day. But, if I can’t cope with looking after four kids now (even find it nightmarish when my two both have a friend over!), I doubt I’ll be up for it in my 60s/70s.

Op said she herself is one of five and sounds like her childhood was hard.
Silver, I think you might need to stop expecting your Mother to be the Mum you want. You have a stereotype of a lovely mum in your head but unfortunately she's not it. Pay her less attention and build relationships with people who make you happy and life easier for you.

says the woman who started a thread bitching about her nanny

She won't be needing your help either when the time comes and she no longer drives, can't get to appointments, shops, needs her arse wiped.
You aren't available, you don't want to you don't have to and your not going to it will be time for her to adjust Her expectations.
Lettuce sorry to quote you but you summed it up completely imo.

There's a difference between asking for advice about a person/ situation and being unkind to a persons face (albeit from behind a keyboard).

As a mother, I just don’t understand it. I will be bursting to help my kids with childcare if/when they decide to have children.

But we are much the same. Our families live a bit further away than 5 minutes, but my mum has looked after my eldest twice ever for an evening. MIL (who lives closer) maybe 4-5 times ever. Neither of them have ever taken dc out to the playground or a cafe or the zoo for the day, ever. Eldest is 13, so they aren’t toddlers and they’ve had 13 years to plan a trip to soft play or the cinema or whatever.

Dh and I go out for lunch dates and we travel solo (if we want to go away for a weekend break we do it separately and go with friends or alone, not together). It’s fine, we make it work and would never expect help, but both our grandparents had us all the time. Every school holiday, my grandparents did all the school runs, we went on all sort of fun days out, to the beach, pony rides, cafes for breakfast and lunch, apple picking at a local orchard, I had a sleepover with them at least once a month.

I’d like to think it’s just skipping a generation and Dh and I will pick back up being those sorts of fun, involved grandparents.