Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

You are from the Daily Mail and I claim my Five Pounds!

How many kids do you have? Very simple question.

Your kids, you look after them with your nanny of course😉

Babysitting four kids sounds pretty stressful. I’m team mum.

Maybe she’s disinclined towards you and better inclined towards your siblings?

Maybe your siblings ask more. She might not be volunteering herself to them either.

I wouldn't be able to manage more than 2 kids at a time. Even that would be hard. You really need to say how many you have.

Wow.

The nanny update 😂😂😂

The problem here op sounds like you have had more kids than you can handle and you don’t appreciate you already have more help than most.

In general I would say expecting your parents to babysit and being hurt if they don't want to is a bit of a fool's errand. They didn't choose for you to have children and have done their time in the trenches so if they don't want to spend their free time on childcare, that's not unreasonable of them. Even though it's really lovely when parents do help out and can make a huge difference to your life and your kids'.

But I'm struck by the fact your mum is happy to help out your siblings by babysitting their DC but not be hands on with yours. And I think that sort of discrepancy can be really upsetting. What was your relationship with her like before you had kids? Is it possibly the number (I know you say you don't have 5, but how many do you have?), is it more than your siblings have? Or that she just doesn't feel as up to it anymore because your DC are younger?

Have you asked her why?

The minute you wrote all my kids, I was with your mother. She's not a zoo keeper or, presumably, Maria Von Trapp.

How about forging a closer friendship with your mother before asking her for help or babysitting.
Visit every week for a while, go out for coffee, help her dig the veggie patch, drive her to an appointment.
Usually it is natural to help with grandchildren and equally natural that adult children are helpful, friendly, kind and thankful for any interaction. When did you last ask your mother over for Sunday lunch?

Obviously, the main problem here is that your mum treats you poorly, compared to your siblings. Toxic parents are the way they are because of their own crappy childhoods - I have a mother like this. She uses me as a dumping ground for her unresolved issues. I often think that if I had siblings, we’d all be pitted against each other in similar ways that you describe.

YANBU to be angry or upset that your mother treats you poorly.

I hate it when posters go digging into a posters other threads, like who has time for that? Odd behaviour. Just because someone has a nanny for the hours they work, doesn’t mean they don’t need a little help from time to time. A nanny isn’t available 24-7.

OP - it’s a shame your mum isn’t very interested in your kids or helping out much. What hurts more is she appears to do more for your siblings. Why don’t you raise it in a non confrontational way? Maybe say it would be nice if next year you could get a bit closer to the kids. Don’t necessarily mean babysitting but spending some quality time with them.

Why are you being so cagey about how many children you have @SilverDoublet ?

How many children do you have?

Not including your husband's 4 requests, as part of your own request count is some fairly creative accounting😂
Maybe next time in order to sneak a few more babysittings out of her, get the kids to ask, she ll never cop

The nanny is just childcare covering the after-school period. Most working parents have wrap around childcare in some form.

I say this with kindness but there is a huge difference between looking after a cat and looking after kids.

Is she seeing them outside of you having asked to babysit, with no strings attached? Or has there always beenanexpectation she needs to come an dhelp you out?
From oyur posts I am a bit confused, ebcause you keep on saying that she does not help but then ask "so you owuld rather not see your grandchildren"- but to you it seems seeing is the same as babysitting, which may be an issue. Has she ever come over when the nany is here and she gets served tea/coffee and gets to chat without the expectations to provide childcare?

My kids grandparents are 5 mins away also. Literally live opposite their school. They have never, ever offered to help. We have had no choice but to ask a few times, when they very reluctantly did a couple. Sometimes said no, they'd planned to go shopping (!)
No way would they babysit 4 times a year. I don't think we even see them 4 times a year.
Seriously no interest. It's hurtful and sad.

School hours plus 10 hours. So 35 hours a week.

Why don’t you ask HER what her reasons are - saves you (and us) time guessing

How many children and what ages? I'm mid 40s and really wouldn't want to be in charge of more than 2. Ideally school age!

I can understand why that would hurt. I’d talk to her.

Out of interest what do you do for her? It sounds like she’s giving you about 20 hours of childcare a year. Do you give her 20 hours of your time?