Grandmother who never helps us

[SilverDoublet]

So, just at the end of my tether again with my mother and feeling really hurt. She lives a 5 minute drive away but literally never helps me at all with my kids. We have no other family support other than her as my partner is not from here. As it is, I only ask her to help me out extremely occasionally, like maybe every 6 months or so if something was clashing for the kids. She never offers any help or invites my kids over or cones to visit. She might babysit 4 evenings per year max, and I can never count on it in case she changes her mind last minute, so can't book anything. My kids are lovely, well behaved, school age kids so that's not the problem. Yet she has no problem at all, babysitting or cat sitting for either of my siblings, both of whom are already getting help from their inlaws about once or twice a week. AIBU to feel really hurt about this? I feel like she's just doing it to look good in front of the other in laws, but doesn't care about me cos I have no inlaws anywhere nearby.

Do your siblings have fewer/older children?
Live even closer?
She prefers their partners/spouses?
She gets on better with them than you?

That's 4 more times a year than we get, or would expect. Your kids, your responsibility. Don't expect help, be grateful when you get it.

This sounds exactly like my mum, depressing isn’t it?

Ive given up expecting different and have a ‘cordial but arm’s length’ relationship now - it does make me sad because I do think it’s ultimately down to her own insecurities in my case. But I’m learning to stop getting hurt by expecting different and accept her as she is.

The difference with OP though is that she’s consistently like this about all her kids/grandkids (well, we joke between siblings it will be different if/when my brother has a baby! #GoldenChild) so in that case why not ask your mum why the disparity?

It sounds like she doesnt like babysitting full stop - but feels obliged because of the other in laws, but can get away with it with you because the in laws arent around.

it must be difficult juggling 4 children with working full time (even with some paid childcare) when you have little to no practical help from your partner and family.
Have you explained how difficult it is to your partner (perhaps he could adjust his work commitments) and to your mother and ask why she isnt able to support you by stepping in to help? have you asked your husband if its possible to negogiate some flexibility at work for urgent childcare situations?
Your mother may have reasons for not being able to help.

Sorry I accidentally pressed YABU. You absolutely are not unreasonable. If I was you I’d cut her out and suffer alone. Having some one useless around is worse than having no one. I did that and now my DM has to invite DC over or she won’t see her grandchild at all because I won’t invite her over or visit. Who’s laughing now?

meh just dont look after her when shes old tell her you cant and are too busy!

Having seen some of your other posts OP I don't why you are surprised by the way your Mum is behaving - it sounds as though she has never given you any support. She's not going to change now. Are your siblings children much younger - you said she always liked the baby stage and then couldn't be bothered once that was over.

I think your best bet is to ignore your Mum, and try and build your own support network. Are there other families that you could set up a baby-sitting circle with? All help each other out?

I would also consider moving away.

She’s doing you a favour in the long run - when she’s elderly and frail and can’t leave the house, you won’t feel any guilt in not constantly visiting her and caring for her. Sod her.

Maybe he doesn’t like the kids either!

I was going to ask this, as this is one of the most logical reasons, I know people like this in real life, they feel resentful and constantly ask why 'no one can be bothered with them' and express that their sibling get better treatment than them, but the truth is they only show an interest in other people when they want something, in their case, it's not just their parents, it's everyone else in the family.. they are takers quite frankly, and don't see any problem with that.

It gets to the point where people stop bothering because it is always them offering, paying, organising things and you get nothing back, ever, they don't even appreciate any effort other people put in, they are just happy to take.. the lack of self awareness is staggering and I get sick of hearing them spout off about 'favoritism' when it is nothing of the sort.

I'm not sure if that is you OP, but either way it doesn't sound like you have a good or close relationship with your mum, which she seems to manage with your siblings, maybe concentrate on having a better relationship and building that bond with the children outside of asking for help, rather than expect her to happily gobble up any scraps that are being thrown her way.

@SilverDoublet maybe your Mum sees it that you only ask when you want her help. Do you ever invite her round just to see the kids or have lunch or something? If not, perhaps you could start inviting her to join in a bit more. Then she may be more inclined to help when needed. If she still keeps her distance, could you actually talk to her and ask her why she can’t commit? Or maybe she just feels the number of children makes it too many on her own (I know you said it’s not 5 and that was someone else but not sure how many).

Interesting how parents must do two lots of childcare - bring up their kids as well as grandkids- to deserve any care.
I have already saved for my own care.
I will help with childcare if I can, but I won't be blackmailed into it. Sod that.

FYI, I work 35 hours a week. Kids are in school the rest of the time

Why dont you ask your siblings to babysit instead?
Or pay the nanny for extra hours if she’s available for ad hoc stuff

stop focussing on the person who clearly doesn’t want to, you can’t change that. So ask someone else

Hi Op. My mum is sort of the same. I thnk she comes from a different generation and as far as she is concerned it is 'your kids, your problem'. She would come and stay in an emergency and my husband had to beg her to stay when I was in bed with flu and he had to work. I know that my mum loves me very much in her own way and she is just not hugely maternal and finds looking after kids very boring (like lot of men!). My dad is the same tbh and I was very sad at the time especially when I saw families who had supportive grandparents. My inlaws were a complete nightmare at the other extreme (very overbearing) and I would actually prefer the 'not bothered' approach. I think you need to accept your parents and move on. it might change your relationship but that is ok. I feel I have become a much stronger person through all of this and hopefully you will too.

That's all women are useful for is childcare

If its not you, how many children do you have?

(also - if its not you, why is it against your username? do you need to report this MNHQ?)

Remember this when shes frail and wanting help. Send her in the direction of your siblings.

I don't think we will ever get an answer as to how many children OP has.

If she lives near you and babysit her other grand children regularly, than however painful it might be to consider it, she either doesn't like you much as a person, or she doesn't think your kids are as well behaved as you think they are.

It could be little things like never getting a thank you when she's given them present, finding them hard work or annoying, feeling they don't respect her etc...

Sorry to hear your mum doesn't help you much. Just asking to understand something.... why would you say to op, theres not much you can do about it ,instead of encouraging op to talk to her mum instead? Im just wondering as your post shows you are someone who is going the thru the same thing why your reply would not be more encouraging?

Op, sorry... I think you should talk to your mum and tell her how you feel. Minus the trying to impress the inlaws comment. Just ask her and see what she says.

Cats are much easier than babes or children. Why is everybody bringing up cats?

There is not much you can do about it because there is no law that decrees that women exist to take on all the childcare for all their adult children. What, is she a free nursery. What a bloody cheek. How do women put up with this garbage? When do they find time to live their lives free of the demands of others?

Especially older women. I mean, what else would they do with their precious time if they didn't have childcare?