Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

if it was that important she could have made the proposal

Why would she do this? She asked him if he wanted to get married and he said no. She asked about when he thought that answer might change and he refused to discuss timelines.

Responding to these clear answers by planning a proposal would actually be toxic. It shows you don't respect the answer you were given and you're going to try to put them on the spot to get them to give in to what you want.

This goes for both sexes - if your partner tells you point blank that they don't want to be married yet and don't want to even talk about a date to get married (which is the entire concept of an engagement) then do not plan and carry out some big proposal scene. It's manipulative.

She is already interested in someone else.

I know!

I also think that even if there is another man 'waiting in the wings', she gave her BF first refusal and he turned her down so there is nothing wrong with her looking elsewhere.

I predict she will be married and pregnant within 2 years.

Beautifully stated and I completely agree.

I think at some point he will be honest and realise that, after 3 years there was a reason he did not even want to discuss timelines. He is comfortable in his current situation but she is not the one for him.

According to OP' opening post in the first thread: "she did ask him if he wanted to marry her" and he said not now and that timelines were silly.

Asking someone if they want to marry you is a proposal in my book.

It's incredibly uncomfortable to have an ex beg to take you back. I don't blame her for blocking him. I knew a girl who had a guy turn up at her work, sit outside her house at night in his car....I'm not saying OP's son did this, but just the constant texts and calls made my friend so nervous. No means no. Why can't some men (and women in some cases) accept that? OP's husband sounds very sensible. I hope the son listens to his dad

I like the ex-girlfriend so much. It’s wonderful to see a young woman taking care of herself these days.

so often, reading about women that age on mumsnet, I find myself alternating between wanting to scream at the screen and just bang my head against the wall muttering “where did we go so wrong”

She didn't wait for him to ask, that's the whole point. She asked if he wanted to get married, he said no, she didn't want to hang around on hold and so she broke up with him. It's pretty straight forward.

People are bashing the son because his gf approached him about a serious topic, marriage, and he blew her off in a disrespectful way, telling her he wasn't going to be held to "silly timelines". He didn't address her or the topic with seriousness or respect. He addressed it like an asshole.

Now, he still is not respecting her. He's calling and texting trying to get her back when she has said they're done.

IOW, he is still not listening to her.

She's dodged a couple bullets here.

Your husband is correct, your son needs to stop contacting his ex. She's made her decision, and he now needs to accept it. It's not surprising she's asking him to move out, it would have been difficult for the both of them living under the same roof. Your son needs to find somewhere else to live, even if that means temporarily coming back to the family home.

Your son was with his girlfriend for 3 years yet didn't want to commit to her. There must have been something holding him back from proposing, otherwise he'd have asked her. I suspect although he thought a lot of her, it wasn't enough to make him want to propose. In which case, it shows that she wasn't the right person for him. His ex, asked him for a timeframe and he couldn't give her one, and on top was dismissive of her question. It told her all she needed to know - he didn't want to commit to her.

She took the bull by the horns and decided that wasn't what she wanted and ended the relationship. She was correct in making that decision. You son may not realise it right now, but she has done them both a favour, giving them the opportunity to find someone else. Your son needs to understand that it's all too little too late, and he should have been adult enough to discuss their relationship, when she asked him a direct question.

When your grandparents' love story sounds like an episode of Crime Watch...

A couple doesn’t need a showy proposal. They can sit down and simply decide to get married. This woman tried to have that conversation and he said no. He rejected her first.

Yes. I think that @DeftWasp is a person who NEEDS to be in a relationship and cannot fathom anybody leaving one without a new person lined up.

He dodged a bullet with that one. I'm thinking she is interested in someone else and she pulled this to have a reason to break it off.

Some people can simply leave a relationship without a new person lined up.

Nope, I'm simply stating I suspect there is someone else in the background, and I'm not saying that is wrong - she clearly isn't compatible with OPs son, and he was clearly disrespectful/dismissive of her marriage nudges -

I think in this case she will shortly be with someone else, might be wrong - but not saying it is wrong.

I know I don't know him but I'm so proud of your husband 🤩

“Momtoboys”.

Of course.

She’s a terrible person for asserting her agency and leaving a man who belittled her desire to future plan and discuss timeframes after 3 years.

Maybe. Although no evidence? But if so, she's still done the right thing.

I dont think op's son is as bad as some posters are making out. He seems to be a bit immature and has made some mistakes in his handling of the situation. I agree with pp who have said the gf has obviously been mulling this over for some time and decided that if op son isnt willing to commit then she is out. That has to be respected. A pity proposal isnt what any women wants and is frankly insulting. Its clear the gf wanted to settle down quicker than op son who was dismissive of her attempts to discuss the matter, and therefore they aren't compatible. Hopefully they will both find more suitable people in the future.

By the way, when you said on the previous thread that she was taking a risk dumping him at 27, maybe I could remind you that he was that age when they met, and he found someone. The one taking the risk was him, being prepared to be flippant about making a commitment.

If he is serious about wanting to win her back, he will have to show her that he has learned and grown. Which means leaving her the fuck alone, standing on his own two feet and working on himself. I doubt it will be as straightforward as him just packing up and moving out, so maybe their paths will cross for long enough for him to show her his self improvement. And maybe he will get the opportunity to apologise for not taking her seriously, wish her well and offer her the sincere hope that in time, she may be willing to have him back. ON HER TERMS. Meaning if she says no, not interested, he walks away. In her shoes, I wouldn't have him back, but he has to do the work himself to even have a speck of a chance.

I don't think he should even contemplate "trying to win her back" he needs to get clear of her and move on - if he makes efforts to try and win her back he simply risks getting a collar from Mr Plod for harassment.

She's kicking him out and has blocked him, its done, he needs to move on.

30 is a bit old to be being a bit immature though.

Bollocks. That’s just a way of OP’s son avoiding acknowledging that he massively stuffed this up.
Why can’t people accept that it is actually very common to end a relationship just to be alone and never have to look at your ex again.

My daughter was stalked by her ex when she finished with him. It was really scary. Ended up in court because he would not leave her alone. What your son might see as reasonable might not be seen like that by her - or by the police if she contacts them and shows evidence of worrying attempts to get her back. This stuff can spiral very quickly.