Son dumped by gf -update

[OneGreenPoster]

Some posters said I should update with what happened, That thread is now full.
Things have escalated a bit and it looks like he'll have to move a lot sooner.
Not much else to say on the matter.
I didn't think the last thread would get so much interest, thanks for all the advice though

I don't disagree with you and the ball is very much in her court right now. I am not suggesting he carries on with his current harassment, quite the opposite, or he does risk being reported. In his current place, it is more about doing no further damage than he seems to have already done. Every now and then though, if someone does a 180 on their poor behaviour and demonstrates emotional growth and dignity in their dumping, their ex pauses and thinks again. Whether she does or not is up to her, but crying, begging, pleading, finding ways to get in touch etc (or turning up daily with flowers like PP's grandad) will sure as hell slam shut any slight crack in the door that she might have left open for him.

Absolutely, I think he's gone a touch too far already - he needs to collect his stuff from her place (preferably before she gets back) and have no further communication with her.

Anything further would almost certainly reach the bar for harassment - OPs son does not want to be that guy - for one thing its deplorable behaviour, but also its a criminal record that will end up stalking him in terms of fitness for future employment checks and not relationship checks.

it is not your problem op

I'm not saying OPs son is a bad person, he's immature and it's really shown.

She voiced clearly what she wanted and he dismissed her and called her silly, then is surprised she left to find what she wanted. After 3 years, living together, 30 years old - what exactly was he waiting for to be magically ready?

And then he makes it worse with a shut up ring. Suddenly the man that was no where near ready to even discuss engagement is offering to buy a ring tomorrow. If he genuinely wasn't ready before she broke up with him, he can't be ready now. Now she knows he's after engagement not because he wants to marry her and is excited for her to be his spouse, but because she dumped him. And now he's harassing her because he still isn't getting what he wants.

OPs son needs to take a good hard look at himself, see how this was precisely his own fault, and accept her decision. And not make the same mistake should he be lucky enough to find someone again.

Yes. I suspect the son was the one hedging his bets and thought he could just live in her house until someone better came along. Then got a kick up the arse when she behaved as a perfectly reasonable woman with agency. I would love either of my DS's to end up with a confident woman who knew what she wanted. Boys and men can be quite immature. Sometimes they need a strong woman to make them grow up. Even if that means dumping them. They dont need to be told the world owes Mummys little Soldier a favour!

Nonsense, it's men that don't leave a relationship unless they've got someone else lined up, not women, as a rule.

Why is it so difficult for some of you to accept that a woman will throw back a decent guy just because she doesn't think it's right, women aren't all desperate to grab a man at any cost. As someone said upthread, she's a woman that knows her own worth, it's better for both of them in the long run.

Well now he’s learned two valuable lessons, 1. If a woman asks about timelines for getting married that means she wants to get married, if you don’t want to marry her be upfront about it and if you do then get on and do it. 2. Never harass a woman, why would he want to be with someone who had to be harassed into the relationship?

It is, insofar as OPs son is going too far in trying to win her back - OP needs to support her son in getting moved out before she returns and not being silly and going from broken hearted dumped guy to guy in court for harassment.

Your son sounds like a pathetic specimen. He made the bed he's currently weeping in. His ex GF sounds epic! A woman who refuses to be strung along and used for housing and easy comfort, wasting the best years of her life on someone who won't commit. She's better off alone and having fun and the chance to meet a keeper. Good for her!

Some very weird takes on this thread. So what would she have done if he had enthusiastically said yes, told him that she was only joking?

A continuing long running thread.

I think age is a factor here. I think three years in your teens to late twenties isn't that long, but three years in your mid thirties onwards is long enough.

Regardless of that, it wasnt the answer that the gf wanted, so she's perfectly reasonable to end the relationship. The 'silly timeframe' attitude would have done it for me, too. It's so dismissive and patronising. She's entitled to want things and have her own timeframes.

I actually agree with you on this one. She's made it clear it's over and, once the shock of a break up has passed, he will probably realise it was for the best. They weren't on the same page. If he doesn't want to get married, he should find someone with a similar outlook.

I had an ex who did this after I ended it, it was about 15 years ago and it still makes me shudder when I think about how he just wouldn’t leave me alone or just accept it and give me the space I needed.

He denied her any agency by saying it was silly to discuss marriage and set a timeline, and that he’d decide. I’m glad she’s taken back her agency by kicking him out.

Some folks are so eager to believe she has someone in the wings, but that makes the least sense.

She asked the young man about marriage and he said his actions wouldn't be dictated by 'silly timelines'. That literally spelt the end of the relationship as they want different things.

There was nowhere else for the conversation to go, as a woman with a healthy level of self-respect and a clear direction for their life wasn't going to beg or hang around ad infinitum, waiting for him to finally be ready. She's done exactly what we advise women on MN to do.

And harrassment is just unattractive and unacceptable, so now he's blocked and needs to hurry along as he's made living together until NY untenable.

Absolutely. And I bet you a million quid @DeftWaspis male. Men don’t tend to let go of the vine until they’ve swung over and grasped the next one…women, not so much.

Also, women can't afford to waste time if they want children, especially when they are approaching their 30s. It's not fair, but it's true. Men can just carry on their merry way and decide to settle down when they are in their 40s. A woman doing the same has greater risks.

I have one child, a son and yes I do think the son shines out of him! However, I would NEVER interfere in his love life. Clearly they were at different points in life and, sadly, she is under no obligation to wait around for him.

It’s better that he is moving out because he needs to think about everything and being at the same place is a bit confusing for both of them.
And yes, it’s better not to contact her as there might be a case for harassment.

These both threads have a lot of helpful advices. Some posts including mine looked probably harsh but it was about making message honest, clear and short.
The main lesson for you is that you don’t know what’s going on in others lives and how they behave at home even if it’s your own children.
Zero chance that everything was well in your DS relationship with his GF, no one goes to break up after one conversation, your DS certainly showed lack of understanding and missed a lot of clues.
A relative of mine was in the same situation. He was devastated a few months, then met his now wife. 10 years down the line he is married with children. He learnt his lesson and spent much less time dating his now wife- they were married and expecting a child after just a bit more than a year. 😉

She didn’t want all his silly behaviour, don’t blame her!

From previous thread:

“He spoke to her yesterday and told her he'd go out tomorrow and buy a ring and they could start planning
She said no that isn't what she wants now!
So I don't think she knows what she wants
Starting again at 27 is risky she may not meet anyone for a few years”

I actually think he may have dodged a bullet. She sounds like she wanted a big romantic proposal, she wants the showy gesture, not just to get married. If she wanted to get married why didn’t she propose to him? It’s not 1950, she can instigate it.

He can move out and learn from this, if his partner discusses marriage it’s probably a sign that it’s important to them, if marriage isn’t important to him, maybe that’s not the right relationship.

It’s a pretty shitty thing to do this close to Christmas though.

Even if there is someone waiting for her. As long as they haven’t done anything before they split it’s fine.

If IF someone else is waiting for her and she was possibly interested she still gave ops son the chance to be her fiancé and presumably go no chance sorry to the other chap.

Ops son went haha silly girl time lines hahaha marry when I want. She went hmmm dick move. Then dumped him. Free to sleep with anyone or marry anyone she likes at that point.

and you know what good for her if she became single and has found someone willing to give her the world by new years fuck it, it’s her life.

He is free to be on bumble or whatever right now looking for someone new as well.

Good. He needs to leave her alone now. He had his chance and he messed it up.

She's changed her mind because my son kept texting and calling her begging for another chance and she's said it's all a bit much

Is there any possibility at all of him realising what a mess he's made of this whole thing? And does he have any respect for women's agency at all?

There's absolutely nothing wrong in not being ready for marriage, even if his comment about silly timelines was very hurtful, but why on earth would he be surprised that's she's now made her own choice, and worse still keep pestering her about it?