To still be upset and I can’t believe my husband doesn’t get it

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5298422-not-invited-to-sister-in-laws-wedding?flipped=1&page=1

This is my last post.

Essentially my sister-in-law did not invite her siblings’ spouses to her wedding. Her sister’s husband was not bothered but I was devastated.

My husband acknowledged that it was unconventional but couldn’t see the issue and wished we had done the same so he wouldn’t have had to put up with the husbands of our siblings.

He said we could have had a fantastic wedding with the money we had if we hadn’t spread it too thinly. I am genuinely devastated by this.

I thought we had had a fantastic wedding with all our important people who had brought with them their significant others. He said we could have had a free bar like his sister and one of our friends had, if we had invited fewer people and their hangers on.

I kept saying I didn’t know what to say to Sister-in-law, he’d know why I needed to talk to her about the wedding.

Anyway in-laws always have a full on Christmas meal with presents a couple of weeks before, they are not bothered about who they see on the actual day ( they have never wanted to put pressure on their kids on the day).

The wedding photos were brought out for the first time and the presents to the adults were photo frames with the parents and sibs in at the wedding.

I actually had to hold back tears. Finally, I did say I wished I had been there but she just rolled her eyes.

It might be time to try and move past this.

YANBU to be upset that your husband screamed in your face, as per your previous post.

YABU to still be "devastated" that a blanket approach to wedding invites was applied to you in the same way it was to others (ie you weren't singled out or treated badly compared to anyone else).

Whilst at the time it would have been abit of a kick in the teeth that partners weren't invited I think you need to get a grip. Tearing up at the photo album? Time to move on.

You're getting muddled up here. SIL can do as she pleases, I would just step back and leave that relationship and her DC etc to DH so he does all presents, arranges all meet ups etc or not as the case may be.
DH saying what he has is tackless, rude and unhelpful. I would speak to him about it and discuss why he he thinks free drinks are more important than relatives spouses? He can have a different opinion but the way he has expressed it talking about "hangers on" is awful, shows he doesn't think of your feelings and frankly doesn't seem to care!

I would love to not be invited to another wedding ever again.
Did your husband scream in your face, as a previous poster mentioned? That's not acceptable.

You're massively overreacting.

Sounds like too much emotion being invested in this, when others don't care. I would not be investing too much of anything with that Sil.

DD best mate was killed this summer at the of 21 - that was devastating this is not. Honestly you need to get take stock and realise it really is not that bigger deal in the grand scheme of life.

From the linked post:

"husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids"

It was a wedding, essentially for a guest it was a day out. No need for a lot of ongoing angst

I think you're much more upset about your husband's behaviour than about SIL's wedding, and that the fact that they're linked in your mind gives you a reason to excuse DH and blame SiL.

They gave you a framed wedding photo as a gift? Leave it behind. Think highly of themselves, don't they?

Seriously OP you need to get past this, you're taking it far too seriously. Fuck them all off if it's still twisting in your guts. You don't have to have people in your life you feel bad around.

Just read the start of your first thread.

Two completely separate issues. The not being invited to the wedding is rude and weird but ultimately not that big a deal. The lying to you and the screaming at you is horrendous. The wedding itself I could get over fairly quickly although I'd be disappointed. The other stuff is so much worse.

And the photos as presents is just cringy for them. I'd find that funny rather than upsetting.

He said we could have had a free bar like his sister and one of our friends had, if we had invited fewer people and their hangers on

This is tactless but I don’t see that it’s a particularly unreasonable view. Surely everyone balances number of guests with cost of everything else. Eg you could have invited even more people if you’d done it in a village hall and cheap catering, and fewer people if you’d spent money on a free bar etc. Everyone draws the line somewhere and I think it’s unreasonable to get annoyed at where someone else has drawn it, as if your line is the only correct one.
I can see why you’d want to go, but you weren’t singled out (as other siblings in law weren’t invited either) so it wasn’t personal.

ETA - I’ve not read the previous thread but reading PPs’ comments it sounds like the bigger issue is your husband’s behaviour generally.

Their wedding, their choice. With weddings you can invite anyone you want, just be mindful some may not be able or want to come if kids/partners etc are not invited. It's nothing to be offended over, these things cost money.

Your SIL did not invite any of her siblings partners, so while slightly unusual perhaps, you were not singled out in this. Ultimately, it was their wedding and their choice. You need to let it go.

In terms of your DH’s comments re your wedding, I suspect that (however good your own wedding day may have been) people often look back and think that it might have been better with fewer people/ less cost. I know I do. Our wedding was wonderful, but it was a compromise of what I wanted, my partner wanted and managing family expectations and desires. It was also exhausting and I’m not sure if I spent any quality time with anyone and certainly barely ate. If I did it again, it would be different and more intimate. It doesn’t take anything away from the day or the memory.

The wedding stuff doesn’t seem a big deal at all. You weren’t singled out or unfairly treated, and to be so upset about it you are holding back tears at their wedding pics is a bit OTT. It sounds like there is back story though.

You're married to your husband, not his sister. Maybe focus your concern on the fact that he shouts at you, not what choices she made re her own wedding.

Who the hell actively wants to go to the wedding of anyone who isn't a close friend or blood relative? Weddings are dull. All that money down the drain. I mean, you lose a whole weekend. Who wouldn't heave a sigh of relief to be off the hook?

Time to let it go.

You have been over dramatic about this from the start. Different people choose different types of weddings.

This. You feel slighted, sidelined and unloved because your DH is a bastard who belittles your feelings and expects you to accept crap treatment. You don’t want to look that in the face because it’s terrifying to question your whole life and set-up, so you’ve displaced all those feelings of rejection and hurt onto SIL and her wedding.

I am sorry, genuinely. I know that this is a first world problem.

I know that this is a snapshot of our life together.

I don’t think I am abnormal or narcissistic or I have central character syndrome or whatever but on Saturday I felt slack jawed and felt completely out of kilter that these people, in many ways so conventional would think it acceptable to not invite their siblings’ spouses and would think it totally appropriate and acceptable to talk about an event where six people present weren’t even invited.

What my husband said about our wedding devastated me, he felt we were bad hosts as our budget was spread too thinly. He was talking about how his cousin is now divorced and one of our friends split up from their partner so it was pointless inviting them several years before!

I think you’re getting unfair replies OP.

It’s utterly bizarre of them to not invite sibling’s spouses. It’s thoughtless and unkind to rub it in your face by sharing photos and gifting them to your DH at a family gathering.

But why does it matter so much to you? No spouses were invited so it wasn’t a personal slight to you. They just wanted only siblings, which is their prerogative. Why is that offensive? A bit unusual certainly but I wouldn’t be upset by it and would still like to see photos etc of their day.

We had a very tiny wedding as we didn’t think it was worth spending money on as we had other stuff we prioritised more, so who knows what their thought process was.

Kindly, get a grip.

I honestly think this is insane from the sister in law. I would feel the same as you - to be honest, I would not have been at the Christmas event with his family because I would take the view that I clearly am not family. If asked to go by my husband I would say “oh, sorry, I don’t go to your family events anymore. I thought you thought that was fine?”

What a strange thing to do.

I do think you need to move past what your husband said, he probably felt caught in the middle and wanted to excuse his sister’s rude behaviour. But I would completely emotionally disengage from the in laws, and honestly would do bare minimum with and for them from this point on.