To still be upset and I can’t believe my husband doesn’t get it

[Unlisted]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5298422-not-invited-to-sister-in-laws-wedding?flipped=1&page=1

This is my last post.

Essentially my sister-in-law did not invite her siblings’ spouses to her wedding. Her sister’s husband was not bothered but I was devastated.

My husband acknowledged that it was unconventional but couldn’t see the issue and wished we had done the same so he wouldn’t have had to put up with the husbands of our siblings.

He said we could have had a fantastic wedding with the money we had if we hadn’t spread it too thinly. I am genuinely devastated by this.

I thought we had had a fantastic wedding with all our important people who had brought with them their significant others. He said we could have had a free bar like his sister and one of our friends had, if we had invited fewer people and their hangers on.

I kept saying I didn’t know what to say to Sister-in-law, he’d know why I needed to talk to her about the wedding.

Anyway in-laws always have a full on Christmas meal with presents a couple of weeks before, they are not bothered about who they see on the actual day ( they have never wanted to put pressure on their kids on the day).

The wedding photos were brought out for the first time and the presents to the adults were photo frames with the parents and sibs in at the wedding.

I actually had to hold back tears. Finally, I did say I wished I had been there but she just rolled her eyes.

Oh give over with the hyperbole, she wasn’t the only one excluded, it was just a small ceremony due to budget.

Not inviting siblings’ partners to a wedding is very weird and suggests the couple getting married do not fully understand the point of marriage ie two families are joined together. This is very sad for you and if your husband thinks this is a reasonable way to behave this suggests there may well be a store of problems ahead for your marriage. Sorry.

In her position, I would have been surprised and pretty annoyed, because excluding family from a wedding is just bad manners and bizarre. When a person is rude to me, or I see them being rude to others, my opinion of that person sinks to the floor and I avoid them in future.

No I wouldn’t have been near tears months later, but I’m not the OP, nor are you - people react differently and get hurt about different things at different stages in life.

Yes she needs to learn to dismiss unpleasant people rather than getting upset, but she doesn’t need therapy. Automatically jumping to “you need therapy” when people are finding an issue difficult irritates me.

I would also say I get the feeling it isn't just about sil but her dh's attitude towards marriage and what constitutes family. If my dh felt this was ok my opinion of him would also sink pretty low and it would make me question my marriage. I am surprised (but guess I shouldn't be) about some of the cutting responses to OP

You've been overreacting on a grand scale to this from day one and you really, really, REALLY need to get a grip now.

Holding back tears because you (and the other siblings' partners) weren't invited to a wedding? Come on. It's an unusual way of doing things but none of the siblings' partners were invited, so it's not personal.

My guess is that your DH said what he said about your own wedding because he's really fed up now with you banging on and on about not being invited and he thinks you're being tiresome and obsessive.

I don’t think you can introduce a heirachy of
pain - the OP is entitled to her feelings

you what now?

You marry your wife/ husband, you have to put up with their families, but you sure don't join together 2 families don't be completely ridiculous 😂

Decision of a sibling have nothing whatsoever to do with the OP's own marriage.

Don't push that nonsense if your kids ever want to get married, or their partners will run a mile from you 😂😂

Tbh only expecting people to talk about events that you were directly involved in when in your presence does sound quite like main character syndrome...

It’s primarily the joining of two individuals but also extends to the rest of the siblings by making them in laws. The new spouse therefore joins the whole family.

Not as tedious and predictable as your post though.

🤣🤣🤣 my siblings, as well as their spouses didn't get invited when we got married. In fact, they still don't know we're married.

@redpeach No of course there is no "correct" timeline to pain, but time usually allows people to grow around pain and grief. That hasn't happened here and if the pain is consistent and impacting on your life then its wise to get support to address it, ideally before it ends your marriage/ your relationship with your in laws etc. And under 'normal' circumstances you'd expect the timeline and the pain experienced to correlate within reason to the event that occurred. Obviously there is nuance to that for example experiencing ptsd from witnessing a horrific incident as opposed to having been directly impacted. But in this particular instance it does seem a bit out of sync in that respect. So either some level of personal trauma has been activated within op, or there's more to the insecurity of these relationships than what she's shared on here. To be crying and struggling to navigate social situations appropriately 9 months later over a non invite to a very small wedding in line with all other relatives in your place in the family tree is a significant reaction. This is clearly really affecting op for whatever the reason.

@smalltortoise do I work as a therapist specifically? No. Do I work in mental health? Yes. Am I qualified? Yes. It could be there are more complex issues at play here which we can't help op with via a thread and 9 months is a long time for op to feel no further forward in her emotional processing on this matter. So while noone can say for sure, I certainly don't think recommending counselling would be a bad thing. Personally I'd question why you are so adamant that someone you don't know on an online forum doesn't need any support, it's better to err on the side of caution in that regard and for op its a much better option to have a safe space in real life with someone who she can explore the context of this with. Possibly offering mediation between her and her husband. It's unbelievable to me that you'd call posters out for suggesting she gets proper real life support when you have no idea of her mental state.

Sounds like you may need therapy to overcome this, as to most this is really a non issue.

It is trying to give perspective where OP seems to have lost it on this matter. Devastated is a very strong word to use and seems to be thrown about a lot. Some people experience true trauma and devastation - not being invited to a wedding is not that, not by a long shot.

It's not hyperbole, it's odd behaviour to not invite your brother's wife to your wedding. Read in conjunction with the other post it's obvious that they only count 'blood' as family.

It might be odd, but is it not very possible that there was good reason for it which op is unaware of and is nothing personal against op? Being able to recognise it as odd but then accept that it's their call and maybe nothing to do with op in the slightest odd what needs to happen here and this is the conclusion that most people would come to on their own. Meanwhile op is still fixated on this nearly a year later.

Yes, me too.