To still be upset and I can’t believe my husband doesn’t get it

[Unlisted]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5298422-not-invited-to-sister-in-laws-wedding?flipped=1&page=1

This is my last post.

Essentially my sister-in-law did not invite her siblings’ spouses to her wedding. Her sister’s husband was not bothered but I was devastated.

My husband acknowledged that it was unconventional but couldn’t see the issue and wished we had done the same so he wouldn’t have had to put up with the husbands of our siblings.

He said we could have had a fantastic wedding with the money we had if we hadn’t spread it too thinly. I am genuinely devastated by this.

I thought we had had a fantastic wedding with all our important people who had brought with them their significant others. He said we could have had a free bar like his sister and one of our friends had, if we had invited fewer people and their hangers on.

I kept saying I didn’t know what to say to Sister-in-law, he’d know why I needed to talk to her about the wedding.

Anyway in-laws always have a full on Christmas meal with presents a couple of weeks before, they are not bothered about who they see on the actual day ( they have never wanted to put pressure on their kids on the day).

The wedding photos were brought out for the first time and the presents to the adults were photo frames with the parents and sibs in at the wedding.

I actually had to hold back tears. Finally, I did say I wished I had been there but she just rolled her eyes.

The thing is, what would make you feel better OP? This has been going on a while and it seems like those feelings are getting worse. What would you like to see happen now?

I wouldn't give a toss about not attending a wedding. They are. extremely boring and tedious events. I can totally understand you being offended though. To be honest it is quite frankly weird to invite siblings to a wedding and not their husbands/wives. Not to mention the big production about giving framed photographs of the wedding to siblings -narcissistic, much? 🙄

The guy who offloaded his kids and went on holiday had the right idea.

In your shoes I would take this as the perfect justification for never bothering with these loons ever again and I'd have shown absolutely no interest in the boring wedding photos..

They're really not worth the upset, and certainly not for this length of time.

Sorry your husband has now probably reflected and thought about the money you both could have saved by not inviting siblings spouses. He’s now reflecting on their energy, that’s it. It’s not about your wedding being less - because you did what you wanted at the time.

Stop going on about this - it’s time to see it for what it is. You now simply match the energy. Be less available, do less, facilitate less: all that time goes to you. Fuck ‘em. This is their problem now. Show them . And stop spoiling your Xmas over it.

What do you think would be the best outcome and way forward here, OP?

I agree. To me this is a clear message that they do not consider you a part of their inner family, which has upset you and I understand that.

Your husband’s reaction about having a smaller wedding without family members’ spouses is equally insensitive. There are a lot of replies saying that is was their wedding, they can invite who they like but they chose not to invite you as you’re not their family. To me that is a bizarre choice, and like you OP, I would be upset about it and couldn’t just forget about it.

I agree that not inviting spouses to a family wedding is very odd and very hurtful. My husband definitely wouldn't have gone. If I were you I wouldn't bother seeing his family again, especially if the SIL is ignorant enough to roll her eyes at you. Just sack them off for good.

Your husband, his family and his sister thinks of you as 'a hanger on'. I'd not go to another do tbh and stop thinking of them as family in any way. Hurtful and rude.

Those posters saying it's just a wedding. They're boring etc..Its a signal of how they view you that's upsetting i think.

Not read your previous posts on this, but while I don't think I personally would have been upset not to be invited when it's clear it was a size/cost decision and not a personal slight, it was rude of her to (1) present the pictures as a gift in front of people who were not invited and (2) roll her eyes rather than either ignoring your comment or saying something pointless but polite like "yes, it's too bad we have to keep it so small".

Also weird of your husband to go on and on about how YOUR wedding should have been different - he obviously was involved in the planning of his own wedding, and he's presumably not actively planning a a second one?

All this ridiculous tedious drama over nothing. Seriously you need to grow up.

Not quite tedious enough for you to ignore though?

I’m sorry but that third paragraph is bonkers. It was their wedding, they can do whatever the f*ck they want with their wedding. You weren’t singled out, victimised or treated badly. As for them not being allowed to then speak about it with people who weren’t there, you seriously need to get a grip of yourself and get over what is frankly a minor issue. The language you use like devastated and holding back tears…I honestly hope you never have to encounter any serious issues in life.

Honestly love, move on. You are doing entirely too much.

it’s petulant now.

But they weren’t singling out an individual person. Inviting only parents and spouses doesn’t signal anything beyond them wanting a very small wedding.

What my husband said about our wedding devastated me, he felt we were bad hosts as our budget was spread too thinly

Well he has a point. I cringe at thought of people having to buy drinks at someone else's wedding, particularly if a guest list can be slimmed down to avoid this.

But honestly OP, this marriage won't have legs if you don't get past this. You both clearly have very different ideas of family and how that looks. They have shown you how it looks for them, so I suggest for your peace of mind, you do a mental reset and consider them accordingly.

But she's NOT "a bit hurt"! She says she's devasted and holding back tears when the wedding photos were brought out and this is 9 MONTHS AFTER THE FLIPPING WEDDING!

You don't need to be a qualified therapist to see that this is not normal or reasonable. It's way OTT.

Jeez.

You sound a nightmare OP. Grow up and get over this minor, minor incident.

Your feelings are not valid. What on Earth do you mean “they think it’s totally appropriate to talk about an event where 6 people weren’t invited” ? Why is that not appropriate? Do you only talk about events where each person in the room was invited? You seem to be stuck in some childlike state about this, I urge you to look inward and address it.

Yes, it's bizarre and unusual, but you really need to get a life and let that go! You are blowing it completely out of proportion and you will become unbearable for everybody else.

Why are you offended? It had nothing to do with you, you are not "family" for your sister in law, you just happened to have married her brother. Can't you understand a small wedding is nicer with close relatives and friends, instead of any +1?

It's her decision, making it awkward for everybody else who had nothing to do with it, your husband, is parents.. is very self-centred and tiresome. Move on.

Don't invite her if you get married again, sorted.

"husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids"

And he still has his teeth...,why, exactly?

Respectfully you sound a bit hard work OP.

You say your DH isn’t bothered about your relationship with his family. You seem more bothered by it than he is, or his siblings are or their spouses are. You obviously want a closer bond with his family than the one you have, and it upsets you that they don’t view things the same way. However this is not them singling you out as the spouse they dislike, it’s more that your values and theirs aren’t aligned. I think you need to accept that. What’s important to you, isn’t to them. It isn’t malicious. It isn’t personal. It’s just different to you.

Not being invited to your SIL’s wedding is a bit unconventional, but they’re obviously cutting their cloth accordingly. They couldn’t afford more guests if they were to have the wedding they wanted. And that’s ok. It’s not personal. It’s a bit unconventional, but we do seem to have an awful lot of rules when it comes to weddings. What we must do, what we should do…. Ultimately it’s a celebration event organised by two people who can do it any way they like!

To get tearful at a photograph given to your DH by his sibling is odd. You need to move on. Holding back tears is a massive overreaction. Similarly being “devastated” that your DH wishes you’d cut your cloth (by also reducing spouses of siblings and friends that he wasn’t bothered about) is just a different view to yours. It is not normal to find that difference of opinion to be “devastating”.

You seem to be having massive emotional reactions to fairly minor things. I wonder if that’s the reason your SIL rolled her eyes when you made a pointed comment about “would have loved to have been there”. I would equally have rolled my eyes at this martyrish comment. It wasn’t appropriate and I suspect is a pattern of behaviour your DH’s family are used to seeing from you.

Kindly, you need to move on. They’re not obliged to give you the relationship you want, and you need to rein it in with the holding back tears, devastation and awkward martyrish comments.

You are so, so unreasonable, you are coming over as quite disturbed. If your SIL’s perfectly reasonable choices have upset you so much, you need some therapy.

Not only did I not invite my siblings’ spouses to my wedding, I didn’t invite my siblings either.

Would you really do this?! I would get it more if it was one person but clearly they decided on a whole subset of people not attending for purely financial/practical reasons so why do you care? It's not an attack on you and they can do as they wish on their wedding day. The gifts might be a bit cheesy but it shows they're thinking of you. I mean this kindly, but you're taking this way, way too personally. What is it that's provoked such a reaction in you?

All the spouses were not invited - so they did not single you out. It was just the ''blood'' relatives only. Not the end of the world.

The frame will look lovely on his bedside cabinet.

What an odd gift, you're not going to display it publicly so it's a waste of money. I'd not bother with them any more, they've made it plain that they don't count you as family.