To still be upset and I can’t believe my husband doesn’t get it

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5298422-not-invited-to-sister-in-laws-wedding?flipped=1&page=1

This is my last post.

Essentially my sister-in-law did not invite her siblings’ spouses to her wedding. Her sister’s husband was not bothered but I was devastated.

My husband acknowledged that it was unconventional but couldn’t see the issue and wished we had done the same so he wouldn’t have had to put up with the husbands of our siblings.

He said we could have had a fantastic wedding with the money we had if we hadn’t spread it too thinly. I am genuinely devastated by this.

I thought we had had a fantastic wedding with all our important people who had brought with them their significant others. He said we could have had a free bar like his sister and one of our friends had, if we had invited fewer people and their hangers on.

I kept saying I didn’t know what to say to Sister-in-law, he’d know why I needed to talk to her about the wedding.

Anyway in-laws always have a full on Christmas meal with presents a couple of weeks before, they are not bothered about who they see on the actual day ( they have never wanted to put pressure on their kids on the day).

The wedding photos were brought out for the first time and the presents to the adults were photo frames with the parents and sibs in at the wedding.

I actually had to hold back tears. Finally, I did say I wished I had been there but she just rolled her eyes.

YANBU to feel that way. It must feel horrible to be left out and for your DH to then disparage your own wedding. There's very little you can do about it but move on, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel upset. My own brother didn't invite me to his wedding but it was just him and DSIL and two friends as witnesses so I didn't feel slighted. My DM was absolutely devastated to be left out though.

It's insane that nearly a year later you are still crying over this. I could get it being a surprise when it first happened, but to be so emotional so much later is way over the top. You need to get past it.

OP can you see though, that this is obviously a very big deal to you, and you find it rude and hurtful, but other people simply do not see it that way and haven't meant any ill intention towards you, so you are shocked they brought it up, but they are just living their life, of course they are going to talk about their wedding and not feel awkward talking about it around people who weren't there, because to them its not a snub, they weren't snubbing you. You are allowed to have your own feelings, but surely you can see that you need to say to yourself 'I know it's not what I expect people to do, but they haven't done anything wrong or are deliverately trying to hurt me by not abiding by the 'rules', because they simply do not subscribe to the same rules I do on this point'

And about your husband... are you upset at what he said because of the problems in your marriage anyway, did you by any chance do the majority share of the lions work of organising your wedding so its hurtful because you feel like he's not appreciative of the effort you out in to make everyone happy at a cost to yourself? And you're now wondering why you even put that effort in?

You've spent the last six months upset about not being invited to a wedding.

I'd personally hedge my bets that there's something else going on, whether it be underlying depression or maybe issues within your marriage.

It would be worth exploring what the bigger picture is, so that you can resolve this for yourself.

I don't think I would get on well with your husband and his sister

You’ve really got no choice but to let it go now.

However I do sympathise, and I think they are incredibly rude to choose not to invite several members of the family and then spend an evening reminiscing about the said event in front of the excluded people.

If it were me, I’d never mention it again but wouldn’t go to any effort or care for them again either. They clearly don’t hold you in high regard.

So now you know sil isn't that arsed about you stop giving a shit about her.. She doesn't see you as family. Less time you need to waste keeping up appearances spending time with her..

You see, my husband doesn’t shout at me, he shouted at me once when I repeatedly asked him why he wasn’t able to commit to something (the week of the wedding, that I didn’t know about).

People felt he lied to me, I don’t think he lied to me but kept his sister’s confidence.

He doesn’t generally belittle my feelings but seems genuinely confused by my upset about his sister’s wedding when his other sister’s partner wasn’t bothered, he got rid of his own kids to his mother’s and went on holiday himself.

To be fair only my husband got the photo of just parents and sibs in a Newbridge silver frame.

He could understand if I was disappointed by not getting an outfit and the holiday and wedding but it isn’t that, I am really offended, which he doesn’t get.

Yes, so it's about your husband, not SIL or her wedding.

I’m not having that. Talking about it front of someone they know was upset not to be invited is so rude.
Their wedding, they can invite who they want, blah blah. But people have feelings and excluding your in-laws comes with consequences of a potential deterioration in family relationships.

You’re actually having to hold back tears over this? Grow up a bit.

There’s probably a split of opinions here depending on people’s personal expectations about family relationships and how close they are to their siblings and inlaws.

It would cause huge issues in many families if spouses weren’t invited to a family wedding.

I would guess this is so wounding for the OP because her perceived value and position as a close member of her husband’s family is now very different. Plus her DH refuses to understand her in a weak attempt to excuse his family’s odd behaviour. It’s easier for him to disregard her than challenge their family beliefs.

Yes but it’s not like she was the only spouse not invited. None of them were. It was the brides decision ( all be it a strange one ) and op needs to move past it

I’m sorry but you sound like hard work!! Over sensitive, over emotional and someone who takes every comment personally. Just take a deep breath and let things go. This is really not the end of the world, or some kind of sign that they hate or reject you. But if you carry on being a needy, high maintenance tearful Tess then it may well be the start of irritation and dislike, as evidenced by the rolling eyes

I think it was a very odd decision by SIL, but that's not what you're upset about now.

OP you sound exhausting.

Honestly, I couldn’t cope with you if you were my DP.

This was nothing to do with your husband.
Yes he should have told you straight away and he definitely should not have shouted in your face, especially in front of the kids but this is nothing to do with him.

You are literally trying to create problems.
You’re now upset with him because of a comment about your wedding ffs.

I would actually say he’s in quite an abusive relationship because this sort of behaviour is not normal.

You are getting far too much of your self esteem from others and not enough from yourself.

It’s really, really, really weird to be this upset at not having an invite to somebody’s wedding. Especially when they adopted a blanket approach to invites.

If you were singled out to not get an invite I could understand more.

Devastated?

I get what you are saying - i can see why, given its been 8 months since the wedding, SIL would have been under the impression OP was at least semi over it by now though.

You need see a therapist to learn how to manage your emotions. She made a different decision to you, she’s allowed. Other people get to hold events that you aren’t invited to. She didn’t invite everyone except you- that would be hurtful. She just didn’t invite spouses and partners.

My Mum spoiled my family for years over an argument about the guest list to her granddaughter’s wedding. She just wouldn’t let it go and it ended up with a huge falling out that lasted years.

Move on. It really doesn’t matter. You are the one ruining your family relationships over this.

Seriously.

I honestly still don't really get the upset either to be honest op. I understand being disappointed and a bit miffed, but not to the extent you seem to be affected by this. Are you particularly sensitive to rejection in general (I know everyone is to a point but even perceived rejection is more difficult for some people so I'm asking genuinely. )

I would have been very upset if other spouses were included and I hadn't been. But they've set a blanket rule, that was spread fairly across everyone for their wedding to cut down numbers so they could have the type of wedding they wanted. There's nothing actually wrong with that. It's not as if you especially have been singled out and spited, you just didn't fall into a particular cohort of people by demographic rather than anything personal. I'd have been absolutely disappointed and sad I wouldn't get to see them on the day but also been able to recognise its their day and their call and I wouldn't have taken it this personally. I certainly wouldn't have been affected by it to the point where its creating a rift between you and your husbands family. Tbh if I was your dh I'd actually be quite annoyed with you for not letting this go for the sake of good relationships with other people he cares about. You were rude to comment your upset to your sil the way you did.

Your dh comments,I could see what he means even if it's been worded tactlessly. Lots of people have a great day on their wedding but then look back and think if I were doing it again I'd do xyz differently. If I were doing mine again I'd have eloped with a few witnesses, and I loved my wedding day and thought it was really fun. It doesn't mean he thought your wedding was shite, just that there were certain things you weren't able to have/ do because you prioritised an increased guest list. Unless money is no object (which is rare) most people end up having to compromise something and it usually comes down to numbers invited on the day over what they can have/ where they can have it etc. It sounds like your dh has been trying to communicate this and has just done a bad job with wording.

This! Literally why do you care? Who actually cares this much about whether their husband’s sister invites her siblings’ spouses to her wedding, or about other people’s wedding choices at all? Their wedding. Their choice. They didn’t do anything wrong. Not everyone shares your views on the importance of convention. You’re being exceptionally weird and over dramatic.

There's a lot of devastation and tears here.

I get that not being invited was hurtful and weird, but it's definitely not devastating.

I get that your lovely day, not being as happy for your DH is upsetting, but again, not devastating.

I also get that your DH behaviour was unacceptable, but as someone with a spouse who can be... overly dramatic, through my lens I wonder if he was dreading telling you about the wedding, knowing he couldn't change his sisters mind & knowing it was going to cause absolute scenes.

I don't know & I wasn't there but maybe it's time to tone down the drama, accept what's happened and move forward.

OP, I think 82% of the voters don't get it neither.
Leave it, is in the past. She may be whatever but you are making it even harder and getting upset for nothing.