To still be upset and I can’t believe my husband doesn’t get it

[Unlisted]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5298422-not-invited-to-sister-in-laws-wedding?flipped=1&page=1

This is my last post.

Essentially my sister-in-law did not invite her siblings’ spouses to her wedding. Her sister’s husband was not bothered but I was devastated.

My husband acknowledged that it was unconventional but couldn’t see the issue and wished we had done the same so he wouldn’t have had to put up with the husbands of our siblings.

He said we could have had a fantastic wedding with the money we had if we hadn’t spread it too thinly. I am genuinely devastated by this.

I thought we had had a fantastic wedding with all our important people who had brought with them their significant others. He said we could have had a free bar like his sister and one of our friends had, if we had invited fewer people and their hangers on.

I kept saying I didn’t know what to say to Sister-in-law, he’d know why I needed to talk to her about the wedding.

Anyway in-laws always have a full on Christmas meal with presents a couple of weeks before, they are not bothered about who they see on the actual day ( they have never wanted to put pressure on their kids on the day).

The wedding photos were brought out for the first time and the presents to the adults were photo frames with the parents and sibs in at the wedding.

I actually had to hold back tears. Finally, I did say I wished I had been there but she just rolled her eyes.

I like PP suggestion of leaving DH to organise presents/meet ups for SIL and her DC. Also in future the only favours I'd do for SIL would be those that I'd do for any casual acquintence.

Although it’s an unusual choice it really wouldn’t bother me. They didnt single anyone out just made a blanket choice presumably to get the wedding they wanted. However id say it makes it clear that your SIL doesn’t see you as a friend. But is that a problem? Would you consider yourselves friends? Do you call/msg/meet up for coffee? If so I can see that would be upsetting but if you just meet up at family events then she has made a decision as to who she wanted at the wedding.

as for the photo it’s a picture of your dh with his family. Again I can’t see the problem. Stick up a photo of you with your parents and siblings if it makes you feel better. It’s just a photo.

@Unlisted - I totally get why you feel the way you do. In your shoes I would keep my distance from SIL in future.

And obviously don’t display that stupid photo. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound…

Don't do that. Where as I understand your point and theres obviously no comparison to the death of a young person and not being invited to a wedding but this is ops thread and not connected to anything else. Sometimes ppl here nit pick on words ... shes used the word devastating, it only has one meaning I know but sometimes someone's explanation of a situation is to the best of their vocabulary ablity. Don't run off with it.

He said we could have had a fantastic wedding with the money we had if we hadn’t spread it too thinly. I am genuinely devastated by this.
I thought we had had a fantastic wedding with all our important people who had brought with them their significant others. He said we could have had a free bar like his sister and one of our friends had, if we had invited fewer people and their hangers on.

Who decided on the wedding logistics, @Unlisted ? You, him or both of you together?

It reads like you have married someone with whom you are temperamentally not very compatible (and his family).

I wouldn't be a happy camper at being screamed at but that doesn't seem to be the basis of your (current) complaint. I also think your SiL sounds insensitive to do a photo showing of a family event you weren't invited to in your presence.

But aside from that, it all sounds like high drama and theatricality that you've been festering over for months. If you want your marriage to last, just accept that your husband and his family are very, very different to you and your family, and that they do things differently and are not specifically targeting YOU. You'll probably be a lot happier when you stop giving this headspace.

I can see why you were upset originally. Not inviting siblings partners is odd and I can see that it may be interpreted as well you, you and you aren't part of our family. Maybe it was, maybe it was about finances. I would let it go because it's not doing you any good dwelling on it. But I don't think I would view your SIL in quite the same way going forward. And I certainly wouldn't be seeking out their company.

Offended by what? No spouses were invited. It’s nothing personal, it’s nothing to do with you. It was about the couple and the cost.

Are any of the other spouses crying over it? You really need to get over this, it’s so childish.

Why do so many people write posts like these? Are you really qualified to say she needs ‘treatment’ and ‘professional help’?

We’re discussing a woman none of us have met who feels a bit hurt about being excluded from a family wedding, not someone on the brink of nervous collapse.

She has a right to feel hurt, and she should probably just write the episode off as a bad job, but she doesn’t need some random online ‘diagnosis’. I’m only picking on your post because I see this a lot here and it’s starting to annoy me.

Your DH is being massively tactless by slagging off your wedding and extolling the virtues of a wedding where the spouses of the siblings are all not invited.

Plus it's really tone deaf to distribute photos of the wedding in front of people who haven't been invited. It gives very 'here's what you could have won' vibes.

I really couldn't give a toss about weddings and think they are all a massive waste of money, but if you have a proper wedding like your DH's sister did, what she did was pretty rude.

Honestly, I'd just pull right back from his family. Stop getting upset and treat them with the contempt with which they treat you. It really isn't worth crying about.

I’m not sure anyone gets why you are offended. This is beyond “first world problem”, it’s obsessing over a total non event. Unless his family completely exclude you from every event, refuse to acknowledge you, this is not about you. Of course they will talk about their wedding. They are allowed to do that even in front of people who weren’t there.

You can choose to let this go. Only you know the real reason you aren’t doing so.

💯 agree. It's really patronising and unless you are a therapist and know the OP it's really wrong.

OP doesn't need therapy.
Loads of people would be upset about this.
It just depends on the relationship you have with family and your own in-laws.

I’m not saying this to be unkind. I know other people have mentioned it as well, but you need to stop saying the word “devastated.” As someone else said, “devastated” is when a 21 year old dies this week with their whole life ahead of them. You’ve also stated you’re “really offended.” By someone holding the size wedding that they want, and not inviting any partners, NOT singling you out? Maybe you are really offended, but it’s not a good look. Be upset that your DH yelled at you, but your SIL has done nothing wrong here.

The words you use, I feel, are winding you up. Maybe stop saying you were devastated, because the more you keep saying it, the more you feel it, in this case; you’ll feel better if you let it go and realize it wasn’t something personal, nor was it really about you at all. Devastated by the small things is a very hard way to live life, I know, and I’m sorry if your brain is making you feel that way, but the use of certain words, or avoiding certain words is part of training your brain (example: I never use the word “stupid,” about myself or others, because my father used it to abuse me). I used to be like that, until I got my anxiety better under control. If it was something worth devastation, I would have different advice. I hope you feel better soon

the first thread @Unlisted wrote:
On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think what you're really upset about isn't the not being invited to the wedding, it's that you weren't even told about the wedding. Your DH prioritized "keeping his sister's confidence" about her secret wedding over your peace of mind. She and/or he didn't trust you enough to tell you the wedding was happening (and you weren't invited). I see the deception as the much bigger issue, and especially that your DH prioritized your sister's very strange request to keep her wedding secret from you over your feelings as his wife, culminating in him shouting at you and calling your family freaks. The wedding itself is a red herring. These deeper issues are going to continue to cause friction.

Completely agree - this minimising of someone elses pain because there is greater pain in the world, is unkind and bonkers.

So they didn't want you there but want you to fawn over their photos of who was invited. Everyone telling you to move on but I'm with you on this. It's a shit thing to not invite spouses of their siblings and a shit thing to then think you should be enthusiastic about their photos. Why do people not realise their hurtful actions have consequences. They can't just move on and expect everything to be as before. And you husband's comments about your wedding is pretty shit too. Why even say that even if you thought it.

Ok, so they sound like a really unpleasant family whose lives and manners are at complete odds with your values - your husband included.

So why did you marry him and marry into this family?

Their decisions surrounding the wedding and then reinforced with the Christmas gifts signal that they do not view you as family. It’s ok to be upset by that.

however, you need to decide how you are going to deal with that reality and move on. You can’t change them. You can control your reactions and your own behavior.

You can decide how many events to attend. At least a few will facilitate the relationship for your husband and children and you can view your time from that perspective. You can leave any preparation or gift giving labor to your husband. If they need help, you do not need to feel any obligation to provide assistance. These people treat you as an acquaintance and you can reciprocate.

This wedding was like 9 months ago, just get over it already! If DH genuinely is so utterly lovely in all other aspects but doesn’t understand why you care so much about this, doesn’t that tell you that you’re over reacting?

SIL wanted a small wedding with just blood family there. That’s her choice. I can empathise with feeling a pang of disappointment but devastation? Tearing up at the sight of a picture of them at the event? It was likely the frame that was the gift and the most recent pic of your husband and his sister together to put in it was the wedding. It wasn’t a barbed thinly veiled personal attack on you….!

You admit you aren’t actually that close to them anyway because DH tends to see them without you so I don’t understand why you’re still asking DH about this 9 months on??

Of course he’s going to snap at some point and say hurtful things because you’re harping on about a non event that happened ages and ages ago!

This happened back in March... just to put the timeline in perspective- and 9 months later this is still having a significant enough impact on op that she's had to post on here for further support, it's causing distance and friction with her husband and his family, and is still affecting her to the point op has recently been in tears over it and was unable to feign warmth for the sake of relationships when sil and bil finally got to show people their albums -that's an exciting moment for many couples and op, again, made it about her lack of invite getting emotional and making a comment about it annoying her sil months later. To me it's implying some sort of rejection sensitivity or similar and I do think that op seems to have some sort of barrier to moving on emotionally from this and i do think counselling is not a bad shout to help with this. She needs to find acceptance that it's happened and noone but the bride and groom had any control over it, and to make her peace with it. Most people would by this point have either dismissed this as sil and bil being dicks and step back, would have rolled their eyes at the drama of the guest list and moved on, or would have accepted its a bit weird but maybe they don't have the full picture to give context to the guest list and would accept that it's for the bride and groom to plan a wedding as they see fit. So no I don't think crying over this 9 months later and allowing it to create a marital rift or in laws rift is emotionally healthy. And I don't think that pandering to op in this respect is actually helping either.

Are you a therapist then?

You're being a total drama llama. I'd lose my patience and be tempted to shout if someone kept banging on and crying about not being invited to extended family's wedding.

Is there a timeline of pain rule book? Where can we get it?

Rejection sensitivity? Is this the latest made up fad for people who need to make everything about them and sob and wail and cry when it isn’t?

Seriously therapists must be rubbing their hands together at all this over sensitivity dressed up as <insert new made up term of choice>..

We need to stop labelling everything, stop pandering to it, stop telling people they need help/are suffering from/excusing the behaviours and spend more time telling people to get a fucking grip.

I agree with you that people need to stop pandering to the OP on this thread and that her behaviour isn’t normal.

But she’s behaving like this because people are coming on this thread and saying there there at the fact she was “allegedly: in tears over photos of a wedding.

Most of these emotional outbursts and sensitivities aren’t real, they’re created on the basis they get people attention. And it’s working nicely for the OP here.

I really feel for you as I’m sure I would be upset too in a situation like this. It’s also irrelevant that your brother in law wasn’t bothered about being invited to the wedding.
You have married “into the family” and getting together to celebrate any milestone is quite normal.
The posters who wouldn’t care if they weren’t invited actually don’t know how they would feel.
It seems very insensitive as a cost saving exercise.
As to your husband shouting in your face because you’ve voiced your upset, that is totally unacceptable.

Devastated at not being invited to a wedding? I hope you never experience things that are devastating.

Jeez. 🙄