To still be upset and I can’t believe my husband doesn’t get it

[Unlisted]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5298422-not-invited-to-sister-in-laws-wedding?flipped=1&page=1

This is my last post.

Essentially my sister-in-law did not invite her siblings’ spouses to her wedding. Her sister’s husband was not bothered but I was devastated.

My husband acknowledged that it was unconventional but couldn’t see the issue and wished we had done the same so he wouldn’t have had to put up with the husbands of our siblings.

He said we could have had a fantastic wedding with the money we had if we hadn’t spread it too thinly. I am genuinely devastated by this.

I thought we had had a fantastic wedding with all our important people who had brought with them their significant others. He said we could have had a free bar like his sister and one of our friends had, if we had invited fewer people and their hangers on.

I kept saying I didn’t know what to say to Sister-in-law, he’d know why I needed to talk to her about the wedding.

Anyway in-laws always have a full on Christmas meal with presents a couple of weeks before, they are not bothered about who they see on the actual day ( they have never wanted to put pressure on their kids on the day).

The wedding photos were brought out for the first time and the presents to the adults were photo frames with the parents and sibs in at the wedding.

I actually had to hold back tears. Finally, I did say I wished I had been there but she just rolled her eyes.

Sod the wedding, the bigger issue is the revolting way your husband treats you.

"Devastation" is for when a child or a partner dies. Not for being left out of a wedding. Get a grip.

I think you're being massively over sensitive, your husband sounds like an arse, but perhaps he is at the end of his tether with your relentless mithering. The photo gift? Assuming it was a joint gift? Well I probably would have left it there, very self absorbed to gift someone a family photo of an occasion that one of the recipients wasn't invited to (with bad feeling associated with it). I wouldn't be displaying it in my house. Your SIL's eyeroll suggests that you have form for for being a bit emotional......(PITA).

Your DH is in a difficult position because you are attacking his sister every time you bring this up. Hes defending her, either through loyalty or because he agrees with her (very odd) decision. It’s not good he shouted at you but he was maybe at the end of his tether that you wouldn’t let it go. DH and I can sometimes get like this. Time to put it all in perspective and move on. I’d take a step back from the relationship with in laws while remaining civil. They clearly see family as just immediate members while you have a more inclusive definition.

I agree its not the done thing - at least not in the weddings I've been to.

Please do this. Leave his side of the family to your husband especially the relationship with his sister. He probably won’t bother much.

Time to move on and stop letting it make you miserable.

It is completely natural to be upset about this because it speaks to how non blood relatives are seen within this family (your husband even describes partners as "hangers on" ouch). That's upsetting for you but it is also excellent information. You now get to decide the level of energy you put into people and this family system in particular who don't really value you as a family member since not one of them thinks it odd to prioritise a free bar over family relationships. Please also know that none of this has anything to do with your inherent value - it is all about this family system and what it values. I suspect the other uninvited in law who wasn't bothered is just not as invested in them as you. Maybe something to think about.

And dh said YOUR family were freaks 😂
Yeah, my nose would be put out of joint too. Time to take a step back op x

It is very weird, not inviting the partners of your siblings to a wedding. If the way your DH talks about his inlaws is an attitude shared by his siblings, then they sound like a very cold family who view others as interlopers. If they can't be bothered with anyone outside their immediate family that is hurtful, but like others have said, it is not devastating. You know who they all really are now, including your 'D' H so I would be leaving them all to it. If you're not a member of the family, then you are not going to act like it, ever. I think giving people a photo of yourself as a gift is so self absorbed! They either don't have a clue or don't care how their behaviour affects you, so fuck 'em.

I don’t think DH has behaved revoltingly? Yes he shouted and shouldn’t have but it sounded like op was repeatedly asking the same question and he lost his shit. It happens. He’s made observations about their wedding but communicating it in a clumsy way. And why did he need to challenge his sister on the invite? It was her decision. TBH I feel sorry for him op comes across as really really hard to live with if this is how she reacts.

Agreed. If my DH wasn't invited to a family wedding, I wouldn't go either.

All of this. Saves me a bit of typing.
In laws aren’t really family. Good info.
DH is a bit of a bellend with apparently no sense of loyalty to his wife. Also good info.
Weddings are dull AF. Fact.
Time to move on from the devastation and use your new info to guide you.

You’re being a massive drama about this. Who actually cares???? It’s not as though she left you out and invited everyone else. Just let her get on with it.

You’re upset because your definition of family isn’t the same as your DH’s.

You have been trying to shoehorn your DH into your family; he’s obliged but obviously can take or leave them given what he’s said in the past about the weekends away and your BIL.

You’ve been trying to shoehorn yourself into his family but clearly they can take or leave you and when they choose to leave you you see it as rejection. That you’re not in the club. He shouted at you, uncharacteristically, because you were going on and on about something that put him in a real bind: telling you something that would upset you when he’s been sworn to secrecy by his sister (although how she thought he could not tell his wife and children I don’t know….).

Weddings are always a pinch point for something or other. Clearly for you it’s the realisation that you’re not a member of your DH’s family. Horses for courses. You have to find a way to go on knowing that this is what you’ve married into, that you’re not all one big happy family, that your spouse prizes a free bar over connections. To put it in a Xmas context: you’re a “the more the merrier” type, he’s nuclear family only and we’re not sharing the good stuff with guests.

Your husband is right not to give a shit.

Try taking after him.

If my partner was this dramatic I’d probably have screamed at him as well. Or whatever screaming (because everyone on mumsnet is screamed at) is.

Bearing in mind that given in-laws aren’t invited to weddings this will now apply to the new brother in law as well.

Maybe it’s unusual? But who knows why they do what they do. You weren’t singled out though, and tbh holding back tears weeks after the event etc is dramatic and if that’s how you always behave maybe that has contributed to them not wanting you there.

Oh for God’s sake, OP. Let it go.

Way too much angst! How did the others react?

It sounds as if your DH keeps his family separate from you, never integrated and kept apart so that you are not part of his family.

He is rude about your family and the way you want to bring everyone together

Jesus, it's done. Its not like you can go back in time and change your wedding, is it? I'd focus on the state of the marriage, not the wedding that's already happened!

I wish we’d done this. We had a small wedding with parents, grandparents and siblings only but did invite the siblings’ spouses and their children. Both couples have since split and divorced.

I’ve read both your threads.

Whilst you think you have a nice DH because he doesn’t shout at you (it’s not 1950 and this is not the barometer of a good DH), I think your DH is rude and antisocial and he’s a chip off the old block. In fact ALL his family are rude, disrespectful and antisocial.

Your DH is extremely rude about your BIL. That’s your DSis’s husband and she would be crushed if she heard this. As for your FIL calling him Joe90, he’s a wanker too. I just wouldn’t have it.

Sorry to say that your issue here is your reaction to all the above. In your shoes, and I have had similar issues I would;

1. Tell your DH that from now on he can go to PIL/ SILs on his own and you won’t be going any more. They don’t want you there, so stop wasting your time.

2. Just drop the rope. No more wifey work, presents etc. Don’t tell DH what you are doing. Just don’t do it.

3. Tell your DH and FIL that dissing your family is off limits from now on, or you’ll be losing your shit.

4. When your SIL rolls her eyes at you just say “oh SIL are you ok there? Have you got something in your eye?”

This 100%. If I was not invited to my husband's brother's wedding it would seriously reframe my relationship with all my in laws and my position within the family. I'd be beyond offended. That's because in my - and my in laws - families (and in many many others too) marriage is regarded as creating family bonds that go beyond just the two people standing at the altar. When my in laws get old, it won't just be my husband visiting and supporting them, it will be me as well, for example. You don't get married and sever ties, you create new ones. That is how marriage works for many many many people. To exclude a spouse from a wedding is to say 'you aren't part of our family'. It's horrible.

Fwiw op i would be very upset too, more so with dh though for thinking this was ok. So what if the other uninvited spouses are fine with it. Good for them, but this is you and your marriage. The giving of photos as well was rubbing your nose it it. If it was me I would take it that I am not seen as part of the family by them but I would expect to be a priority for dh as he would be for me. I can honestly say I have never known a set up like this.