To still be upset and I can’t believe my husband doesn’t get it

[Unlisted]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5298422-not-invited-to-sister-in-laws-wedding?flipped=1&page=1

This is my last post.

Essentially my sister-in-law did not invite her siblings’ spouses to her wedding. Her sister’s husband was not bothered but I was devastated.

My husband acknowledged that it was unconventional but couldn’t see the issue and wished we had done the same so he wouldn’t have had to put up with the husbands of our siblings.

He said we could have had a fantastic wedding with the money we had if we hadn’t spread it too thinly. I am genuinely devastated by this.

I thought we had had a fantastic wedding with all our important people who had brought with them their significant others. He said we could have had a free bar like his sister and one of our friends had, if we had invited fewer people and their hangers on.

I kept saying I didn’t know what to say to Sister-in-law, he’d know why I needed to talk to her about the wedding.

Anyway in-laws always have a full on Christmas meal with presents a couple of weeks before, they are not bothered about who they see on the actual day ( they have never wanted to put pressure on their kids on the day).

The wedding photos were brought out for the first time and the presents to the adults were photo frames with the parents and sibs in at the wedding.

I actually had to hold back tears. Finally, I did say I wished I had been there but she just rolled her eyes.

I agree with this.

Fundamentally your DHs family have different values.
I would be really hurt by this and so would most of my (large) extended family as we value "family" so would my DH's...

Its not the wedding itself, its what it says about how they perceive your place in the family.

Some people just wouldnt care about this

Op. Yes it was a bit odd to exclude in-laws but to be devastated afterwards for months is not normal behaviour. Re your husband comments about your wedding. Loads of people including me would have done some stuff differently with the benefit of hindsight , I certainly would have . It doesn't take at all from the fact that I had a lovely day.

Kindly you have yourself worked up here over relatively small stuff. Try to move past it before you damage your relationship with your husband.

That does sound upsetting, but you have to realise that your SiL just doesn't like you enough.

Take the pressure off yourself and now dont bother one iota with her.

My DD's friend from school was one of the girls killed on our Norfolk estate in January a couple of years ago by their dad... that was devastating too.

So sorry for your Dd's loss, it's definitely a very traumatic thing to deal with. I share your POV that some things put everything into perspective. 💕

and this really demonstrates people’s different opinions. If my DH’s brother got married and had a small wedding where no spouses of siblings were invited, I literally would not give a single shit. In fact, I wouldn’t give a shit about the fact he was getting married in the first place tbh because I barely know the guy, I see him less than once a year and I generally don’t care about weddings and marriage. If he was someone I liked and had a genuine friendship with I STILL wouldn’t give a shit because it’s not a personal snub and I firmly believe everyone should have the wedding they want, including non-wedding elopements where no one is invited at all. Getting married is no one’s business but the two people getting married and I really struggle to understand the strength of feeling some people have around other people’s weddings. They’re all the same cringe fest pantomime anyway.

IME it's v unusual not to invite sibling's partners to your wedding BUT that was what she chose to do, and really yabu to still be so upset about it. It was a blanket rule she made, and not singling you out personally.

I think yanbu to be upset about your Dh's comments about your own wedding - it's really unnecessary for him to start criticising it so long after the event, and understandably has now tarnished your memories of what you felt was a fantastic day.

In the run-up to your wedding did he mention not inviting so many, or leaving partners out or suggest fewer guests and a free bar? I bet he didn't. He's likely re-writing history in order to defend his sister's decision to not invite you.

Fundamentally you and your DH have differing views of family ties. You see partners as included and becoming part of the 'in-laws' family - he doesn't so much. In a way, he's got a point - I have people in my wedding photos who were there because they were with my siblings, but I no longer see because they've since split. My own marriage has broken down and my family no longer see my ex-DH, despite him being treated as one of the family for over 20 years... I wouldn't actually advocate for not inviting sibling's partners to weddings "because they might split up" though!!

I do think you need to find a way to let this go - you didn't go to one wedding, so what? I honestly wouldn't care if I never went to another wedding again - they're usually a day of standing around, bored to tears, and then too much booze.

I'd be upset too. It's really weird behaviour and a good indication of how sil and bil value you and the others.

But try to move on otherwise it will impact you and your self worth.

I think you need to get some professional help OP, it is simply not normal to be so upset by this nor for such a long time

Perhaps this has triggered something from your past - you need treatment.

Your DH and his family must be getting really pissed off with you

I agree with this.

I also think there is the sense that her husband did not have her back when the initial invitation came. People can say he was keeping his sister' confidence. But on the other side of that is that he prioritised her wishes over his own wife. Had he said to his sister that he understood she wanted a small wedding but he doesn't keep secrets from his wife, a calm and rational conversation might have been possible before he lost his rag with her repeated questioning. I would be very confused if months out, my husband couldn't commit to availability for something and to then find out that it was because he was keeping a secret on his sister's behalf. I think I could find myself questioning months later about the nature of our relationship. What other secrets are there etc? And having been so upset, to then have the sister giving out photos and eye rolling is a reminder of all that.

Jeez. DH is one of four and his brother didn’t even invite his siblings to his wedding.

Your reaction is absolutely unreasonable.

It does seem strange, I couldn’t imagine not inviting siblings spouses, but I can’t understand why you’re so upset about it when it wasn’t personal to you. Would it seem strange to you if one of the not invited husbands was crying and going on about it? Personally I’d be relieved to not be going and knowing it wasn’t personal to me would be even better.

The photo and casual chat about it in front of you is insensitive and I would probably deliberately leave the photo there if it had upset me.

I think it’s unusual as a decision, but likely budget related, so no big deal, I think the fact you’re “devastated” is the main issue and wanted to cry at the pics, it’s all so very dramatic.

can I ask gently, do you have friends and get out much?

YANBU to feel left out, because it's strange and a bit rude to exclude your siblings spouses from a family wedding of all things (where marriage is supposed to be celebrated.)

I would try and find a way to move on from it emotionally, and stop doing anything for your SIL. Your DH can manage any future meet ups, Christmas and birthday cards and presents and so on. Don't babysit or offer any favours. If she won't treat you like family, you don't need to go above and beyond for her.

Suspect he knew the drama that was about to unfold and wanted to put it off as long as possible. I mean it’s still going on, so I get that.

Honestly I think you are over the top upset about this. You were not the only one excluded. It is pretty normal to invite siblings spouses to a wedding, however your sil did not. That was her choice and not up to your dh to tell her how to have her wedding.

The photo was given to your dh. An normal reaction is to look and say everyone looked well and moved on. Tears are a bit ott. Your husbands comment about his wedding was a bit tactless but maybe he does feel this way.

I do think you need to move on from this. You missed out on one day.

No partners were invited

not just you

you are being silly

yes family weddings are nice and woman prob enjoy More then men / hence why sil dh isn’t bothered

but

lots weren’t invited

get over it

dh shouting at you wasn’t good but he said sorry

andassume never happened again since

Your DH doesn't know what a wedding is about.

Also op, I have a friend who basically did this because her partner who has serious anxiety related issues (not that you'd know he keeps it very well under wraps) was a nervous wreck about the idea of a big wedding and their wedding was planned deliberately tiny so he didn't have to walk into a big group of people and possibly risk a panic attack.

You have no idea if there's an issue like this going on behind the scenes, or if maybe the other partner has real problems with one of his siblings spouses and wants to avoid them on his wedding without singling them out in which case this is a fair way to do that. You won't be privy to why those decisions are made. Obviously this isn't common in weddings here so they must have a reason for doing that.

I find it strange that you're so upset and think you need to move on

Your sister in law sounds incredibly mean- spirited. Who excludes partners from weddings ffs? Weddings are about celebration and inclusion. On the other hand at least you were not singled out for this treatment, it was all their partners.

Is this really worth tears though? If she wants to behave like this, let her and don’t let it affect you. Keep a cool distance from her.

I missed the bit where you said the wedding was kept secret! So you were not only not invited but were not even allowed to know about it, while your DH was, presumably, supposed to sneak off for the day and lie to you about there he was?! Jesus, OP, stop being upset and find some disdain for this bunch of twats! i've never heard the like!

It’s not top trumps love.

if so, I can actually top that, tragically, but I won’t, because it’s irrelevant.

there is always someone going through worse than you, but this does not and shouldn’t erase the experience of others.

what’s upsetting/devastating to @Unlisted is valid, it’s relative to her personal life experience

In the words of Meghan Trainor, you need to let it go.

And I have to say, if my OH was invited to anything without me he’d probably decline, one because he hates driving on motorways and also not keen on doing things without me.

the issue here @Unlisted isn’t the wedding, it’s the lie, and the shouting in your face, that’s on your H.

let it all go, drop the rope on the lot of them and focus on yourself and your family.

Possibly, possibly not. It doesn't change the fact that he put his sister before his wife though and directly led to him prevaricating in front of OP's family followed by screaming at her. He could have said that he has a prior commitment with his family and could they please discuss it privately later on.

I am really not surprised OP is upset. Discovering your spouse has been lying and keeping secrets can be very difficult to get past. It makes you reevaluate everything you think you know about them and can no longer take them at face value.