All our children are different religions, Christmas is feeling overwhelming

[Ellipsie]

DH and I have 4 children, all now adults, all married. We are CofE Christians, our children were raised CofE Christians and Christmas for us has always been religion first.

Our eldest DD married a lovely Muslim and converted to Islam. Her 2 children are being raised Muslim.
Our youngest DD married her best friend from secondary school, he is Jewish, he leans liberal and isn’t as devout as DD1s family, but they celebrate Jewish holidays, go to synagogue for Yom Kipur/Rosh Hashanah etc. and always without fail have Shabbat dinner with his family. Their daughter is now 3 so more aware than in previous years.
Both of our DS are loosely Christian, church on Easter and Christmas only but do view Christmas as being religion first.

For our daughters they both have different approaches to Christmas.
My eldest daughter doesn’t want any presents for her children for Christmas, she has asked we celebrate them at Eid instead, which is of course understandable and absolutely fine. They will be joining us for dinner on Christmas Day though.
Our youngest daughter has a different approach where by they still celebrate Christmas “culturally”, so they do Father Christmas and have a Christmas tree etc. They also allow us to give their child a gift at Christmas.

Now our grandchildren are no longer babies I am finding it all a bit tricky to navigate. This year we have 7 grandchildren.
Our eldest DDs 2 children are now 4 and 2, our eldest son has a 3 year old and a 1 year old, our younger son has a 2 year old and a newborn and our youngest daughter has a 3 year old.

This is the first year we will be hosting Christmas with children who are aware of what’s going on. I’m terrified that as DD1 doesn’t want us give her children gifts they are going to feel awful as we will be giving the others gifts. I thought we could get around this by having our grandchildren who will get gifts come over earlier and receive them but as DD2 isn’t Christian and doesn’t do church that won’t be possible.

At the same time I’m also terrified about getting the language right, Christmas has always been religious for us, but now I’m thinking do I need to present everything as “well granny and grandad believe this, but others don’t”?

It’s got me very stressed out and I don’t want to upset or offend any of my children.

AIBU to struggle with this? Does anyone have any advice or ideas on how I can make this work?

You’re overthinking this. I’m your dd2, Jewish but celebrate Christmas culturally, in an otherwise Christian family (Dh is an atheist). It’s really hard to get wrong. Give presents (leave it to dd1 to deal with how her children handle that, just let her know what time you are doing presents and you have none for hers as requested), make it a fun day, don’t give everyone Jesus-y stuff. I’ve never been offended by anyone’s celebration of Christmas.

In fact, I (yes, the Jew) host Christmas for atheist dh’s entire Christian family! The others all have weird hang ups that mean they won’t host. I think it’s nice to do Christmas together. It’s not a religious thing for me. Just enjoy spending time together. Don’t lecture anyone about Jesus. No pork or shellfish. You otherwise really can’t get it wrong. Just have a lovely day together.

I’ve been doing this for 18 years. The topic of what anyone believes has never come up. My children know all about different religions from school and casual conversations. But on Christmas, with Jews, an atheist, Christians and BIL/SIL who mostly just eat a lot of edibles and magic mushrooms and believe in pixies sitting around the table, religious beliefs have never come up and I’ve never had to explain why people believe different things.

It’s quite clear that DD1 is the problem here, nobody else seems to have a problem with your idea of Christmas.

I would be reluctant to secularise your Christmas to suit her, she is expecting you to respect her religious beliefs whilst simultaneously refusing to respect yours to a degree.

@Ellipsie, you use the word ‘terrified’ about half a dozen times. It’s sad that they’re making you feel like this. Do they care?

She needs to grow up, she's clearly holding on to some issues about her religious upbringing and has revenge married and converted and is still trying to prove some a
sort of point....however in doing so she is now exposing her own children to a strict religious upbringing of her choice....how ironic.

I think it’s more so DD1, she is incredibly strong willed and while she gets on well with both of our boys, she has major issues with her sister. She has form for getting extremely angry if things don’t go as she wishes. I’m excited to have all of our family together and I adore DD1 and her family but it does scare me how quickly she could turn it on its head.

I agree with this. It seems your DD like many converts had become over zealous. Why does she want to come round if she doesn't want any element of Christmas? Surely she should treat it like another day if she's that determined not to get involved? Especially if she's going to spend it not talking to her sister! Is she going to tell her DD that is just lunch with grandma while all her cousins are getting presents, pulling crackers etc? I have Muslim friends who wish me merry Christmas, go to works Christmas parties , send cards etc. Your DD1 is being ridiculous but if she wants to explain to a crying 3 year old that her presents wont arrive until 6+ months later that's her job. What does her husband think?

Yeah, what you want matters too. I would pay due consideration to my kids’ demands but there’s no way I’d leave one grandchild out.

I would announce when present time is, either at the beginning or end of the day so DD1 can not be there for presents. Do the siblings give presents to each other's children? How would that work with DD1? Is she proposing to give the nieces and nephews Eid gifts?

Also maybe if you are the sort of grandparent who has toys at your house maybe get a couple of new toys to stay at your house which you think will interest DD1's children. Then if the other children are playing with their toys then her children have something new to play with too. Plus lots of reminders that they can tell you what they want at Eid. Sounds really tricky though and that DD1 has issues which go beyond Christmas.

I’d keep it very simple:- you are celebrating Christmas together as family as that’s in the spirit of Christmas. when you celebrate the other festivals you are doing the same, and recognising and sharing in what’s important for those you love. This is a truly lovely goal.

I’d hope dd1 would be ok with the children opening crackers (and keeping the little toy in them), and perhaps you can agree that all children have the same stocking from granny with sweets and small crafts / books in? Maybe there’s chance to start a new tradition of a board game or Lego set for all to share (and play it together in the afternoon)?

The thing is, whilst you’re trying to respect their religious / cultural situations, some of your DC are not respecting yours. You’re making such a big issue about this. No one should be telling someone else, especially a grandparent, that they cannot buy their own grandchildren a gift. It’s very controlling. You shouldn’t be having to apologise for your religious beliefs, which is what it sounds like you’re doing.
And yes, you’re right that giving some grandchildren gifts and not others is mean. Imagine how those children will feel watching their cousins open up gifts whilst they just sit there!

do you think you could say to your dd1 that, just like her, religion is very important to you too and in keeping with tradition, you would like to give your grandchild a gift as that is the custom in your religion. She is displaying quite a selfish side as it doesn’t really have anything to do with her beliefs and she doesn’t need to involve herself but the least she should be willing to do is to respect your beliefs, which at the same time will help nurture the relationship between her dd and grandparents. She’s doing her dd a disservice. Restricting her to this extreme will alienate the child from her grandparents and cousins as she grows up and is really very sad for her. I’m willing to bet it will backfire when she’s older. Your daughter sounds like a very intolerant and difficult person, and I think if she insists on this, it will affect your relationship with your granddaughter. I would not be happy to go along with this in your situation.

Really mysterfied by you DD1s attitude. If she wants to come for Christmas Day, knowing how it will be celebrated, then she has to suck it up. Stop pandaing to her!
I grew up in the Midlands, with a huge number of Muslims - they were fully on board with Christmas. Our neighbours would often drop off food when it was their special festival. I'm Christian so understand your desire to celebrate Christmas in a meaningful way to you.

Could you send the presents to their houses to open before they arrive then carry on the day as planned but without the present giving?

Your eldest DD is celebrating Christmas though isn’t she. She and her family are coming for Christmas dinner. I couldn’t leave her DC out of the presents if they are coming on the day.

You do what you want. Give your DC the opportunity to opt out of any bit.
But eg if you say grace before the meal still do that, the parents can remove the children if needed, but better would be for them to learn to sit respectfully without praying themselves.

Judaism, Christianity and Islam all share the same God after all.

Yes my Jewish atheist MIL usually hosts Christmascand goes the whole hog with presents etc. I am the only Christian in the house. I go to Mass, come back and put my feet up with a morning Baileys andcleave the Christmas prep to the pagans (jk as the kids say)

Have you asked her about this and about how her children will feel?
My friend married a muslim man but they still give Christmas presents for the children, culturally more than religious.

Exactly they absolutely do and this is the perfect occasion to get them all together

If DD1 wants to come to your house on Christmas Day then she has to accept you will be celebrating Christmas as a Christian. I think it’s an odd thing to insist she’s not celebrating it at all due to not being Christian but insisting on coming round. I would advise her that Christmas in your house means prayers before food and small gifts for grandchildren. If she doesn’t agree that’s fine, she can come round another day.

How are you managing the food? Kosher and halal?

Dd1 sounds very rigid, and very intolerant. l would be speaking to her and saying that as all the other children are getting gifts and that's it's unfair on her child not to have something.Her child will certainly notice and feel left out and upset. If you don't feel you can do that then give your other family members their childrens gifts before Christmas so they can open them before they come to yours.

This isn't about religion, this is more about you enabling this behaviour from your eldest.

It's simple. She's been invited to spend Christmas Day with family and she knows what that entails. Presents are a small part of it.

If she doesn't want to celebrate Christmas Day, then she doesn't come and you do a family day on a different day.

Stop trying to keep her happy, because she'll just keep pushing it, at the expense of everyone else.

This isn't about religion, this is more about you enabling this behaviour from your eldest.

It's simple. She's been invited to spend Christmas Day with family and she knows what that entails. Presents are a small part of it.

If she doesn't want to celebrate Christmas Day, then she doesn't come and you do a family day on a different day.

Stop trying to keep her happy, because she'll just keep pushing it, at the expense of everyone else.

Although that does nean that OP doesn't get to see the pleasure from the children with the gifts.

Other than no pork/shellfish DD2 and her family don’t really keep kosher.
Halal for DD1 but they are bringing some of their own food as their children also have allergies.