DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

well that isn't my experience.

And confronted by an absolute madam like this GF? i would tell her to wise the fuck up or listen to some straight talking from me.

ok so as a fat 14 year old you were totes fine with some random russian woman telling you you were fat?

i call bullshit

also to PP saying it isn't teaching resiliance to let DD go elsewhere instead of spending what is possibly the biggest family celebration of the year in the presence of a rude bitch? nah. She gets to know that her mum has her back and won't force her to spend her time wondering when the GF is going to make another culturally inappropriate comment.

I mean, Russians are pretty famous for being racist. How would that pan out if the DD was mixed race?

Exactly. Uninviting her for Christmas next week is a bit extreme.

65% of adults in the Uk are overweight and around 25% obese.
I think pretending this isn’t a problem is burying a big problem in the sand.

Generally overweight teens don’t grow out of it they will continue o be overweight as adults and often secretly feeling upset about their appearance.

Honestly I think open conversations are best. DSS just stated the truth.

If she was smoking people wouldn’t think twice about saying something about how unhealthy it is,

‘Confronted by an absolute madam like this GF’

What’s the GF done to qualify her as an ‘absolute madam’? She didn’t ‘confront’ anyone, she made a throwaway comment and in doing so, quite likely completely unintentionally, made a cultural faux pas.

It doesn’t sound like she’s even been made aware that what she said was considered rude, or been given an opportunity to apologize.

If your daughter is overweight- you should be thankful that the girl has pointed this out to her - seeing as you haven’t bothered to. As her mum it’s your job to tell your daughter about managing her weight - why haven’t you done this !!

Yes unfortunately much as this site likes to portray all fat children as just about to have some massive growth spurt where they'll grow 6 inches and be willowy strapping hollow legged sports people, the reality is that the vast majority of fat kids turn into fat adults
Everyone on here will be the outlier of course, they were obese as a teen but now thin as a bean, but the general trajectory for overweight teens is exactly that.

I don’t agree with what the girlfriend said, it was rude. But that wasn’t my point.

I think it’s important that obesity in childhood is dealt with, as you said, there is an obesity epidemic. Not sure why people are fixating on puberty, if that’s the issue then it’s temporary and no need for the histrionics.

She wasnt some random, she was shopping with OPs daughter, no doubt trying stuff on

It wouldnt surprise me if the daughter herself made some comment about needing a bigger size or being a bit self conscious of it and saying shes big (like most teen girls say even if they're not overweight) and the girlfriend answered in kind. Perhaps OPs daughter left this bit out.

"You cannot know that a person’s weight at 14 will bear any reflection on their long term shape as everything is in flux"

Incorrect, sadly. Studies show that overweight adolescents become overweight adults 🙁

Unfortunately telling them they are fat is not a fix for this. Trust me, I know.

There's no chance I'd have the unpleasant girlfriend in my house at Christmas ruining my daughter's day. She's not entitled to an invitation and she's ruled herself out by being spiteful to a young teenager she doesn't know. Her culture is irrelevant, rudeness isn't ours. Well I say that, there are a lot of grown adults on here who should salivate over their tea instead of putting the boot in to a child.

Actually, whilst that's broadly true at a population level, once you break it down by gender, the disparity increases. So for women, the UK ranks as the 87th 'fattest' country for female obesity, with Russia weighing in at 106th. (But at population level across both men and women, Russia is only a few rankings better than the UK in terms of obesity)

I would suggest you say to DSS that his girlfriend needs to apologise to your DD. You should ask him directly as it sounds like your DH won’t do anything about it. If and when she does apologise, ask your DD if she would be happy for the girlfriend to join you for Christmas. If not, then the girlfriend gets uninvited.

"chan es are if she was in that shop with someone from another culture they may well have been telling her she needs to put weight on"

whilst this is well meaning, I don't think telling an overweight teenager that some cultures might think she should put on weight is particularly helpful. What the Russian woman said (absent further context) was impolite but was also correct, at least medically

Agree with this

I think the culture aspect is mostly irrelevant. There are plenty on here who favour plain talking/tell it like it is cruelty concern for a teenager.

I'm sorry - but in the culture of this country, people do comment on people's appearances and to pretend otherwise it disingenuous. Yes, it's typically a social lubricant or compliment - eg change of hair colour, new outfit, snazzy earrings - but we don't live in a vacuum where personal appearance is uncommented on, still less passes unnoticed. And then there's being polite in the culture we like to think we have and also the reality - and kids and teenagers can be particularly vicious in trading 'fat' insults and worse. If what the Russian lady said is the worst this overweight teenager has ever heard, sadly she is going to be in for a life of rude surprises

Correct. Plenty on this thread who don't have a clue/care about the emotional fragility of teens. Or eating disorders.

Because it's all just 'concern' for our collective health and ...

... the greater good, right?

It's not compliments either 😂 If I had a penny every time people commented on the dark circles under my eyes or whatever they wanted to comment on... 😂 Not friends or even acquaintances, just random people.

Yet on MN everyone is suddenly the pinnacle of culture and politeness :)))

FFS what's wrong with you? OP has said that they:

'prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc.'

She is tackling the fact that her DD is a bit overweight with practical solutions and sensitivity.

You think that OP should just tell her daughter that she's fat? Obviously, slagging off fat people to their faces has always been a miracle cure for weight gain and obesity. That's why we hardly have any fat people in the UK🙃

The girlfriend overstepped the mark it wasn’t her place to mention your daughter’s weight. Would have still been inappropriate to mention your child’s weight if she had been slim, skinny etc I would speak to step son and explain his sister is upset and can he speak to his girlfriend to explain it should not happen again. I wouldn’t un invite her for christmas i would say to daughter people
sometimes say things they shouldn’t and can always have a conversation about healthy eating, exercise etc from there. A 14yr girl will be well aware she is bigger than others she doesn’t need someone she isn’t close to commenting and damaging her self esteem.

People commenting they’d be fine someone telling their teenage daughter they need to slim down I don’t think in every day life they’d have no issue with their daughters self esteem being crushed. Theirs ways to get them on track to be healthy and embarrassing them is not one. I am a mum of girls my youngest only 5 but teenager slim too slim at times and i’d be annoyed if someone commented on her weight it’s not their place

Well it’s clearly not working else her daughter wouldn’t be fat ! Maybe she needs a more straightforward approach yes !

Some of these replies are fucking insane.
The child’s weight is actually irrelevant. The DS gf made a rude a personal comment which left her embarrassed. It must have been excruciating for her. This is not a lesson in resilience- the comments like this stay with teens a long time. Poor girl.
Who gives a fuck if it’s cultural? The gf needs to be called out on what’s appropriate and what isn’t in the country where she is now living.
Op your DH needs to have your DDs back on this one on the Xmas issue- she is the priority here.

I’m not sure why you think it was a comment motivated by spite, or that she was being intentionally rude.

Her culture is relevant in that it provides a reason as to why she doesn’t know that saying that is considered inappropriate in the UK. There is a difference between someone who makes a cultural faux pas, and someone who deliberately sets out to be spiteful.

That does not mean that what she said was okay, or that she doesn’t need to learn British norms (and I don’t doubt that she is trying to).

She’s not the one using her culture as an excuse. Nor is she the one telling OP’s daughter to get over it. It’s two British men that are doing that. By the sounds of it the girlfriend doesn’t even know she’s caused offense as no one has bothered to tell her.