DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

[shakeitskateit]

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

I'm sure you do.

this.

I am from Eastern Europe. Yes, women are quite slim and take a lot more ’pride’ in their appearance than in the UK. However these judgemental remarks we keep for close family.. like the time when my dad called me 1 week after i gave birth to my second baby to say i am looking quite fat. Charming. The girlfriend was not that offensive in my opinion and it would perhaps be beneficial for your daughter to build some resilience and confidence in herself if the overweight is not an issue for her?

Whatever her culture, yours is not that and she needs to wind her neck in.

If your DH won’t stand up for your daughter, that’s a problem. If he is adamant she is coming, the answer is simple, you and your daughter can go out somewhere for the day and leave them to it.

I think your daughter needs to develop some resilience and take that remark in the spirit it was meant. I think she's also being manipulative by saying she'll go to her dad's if GF isn't uninvited.

GF was trying to be helpful and she put it in health terms. Shielding your daughter from the fact she's overweight doesn't do her any favours.

Horrible behaviour however "concerned" they might be about a stranger. I was an overweight 14 year old once and yes, I did become an obese adult. Not because nobody made me aware I was overweight funnily enough. Quite the opposite. I was completely aware of it and aware of nasty comments. So much so it set up a cycle of diet/regain yo-yoing until my mid 40s. People are not overweight because nobody is being direct with them FFS.

and they get roundly and soundly criticised for it.

The weak, feable and, frankly, insulting excuse of "my culture, innit" is pathetic.

Where i live it is customary to say "hello everyone" when you go into a room. Doctor's waiting room is a good one. People who don't get "the look" and usually a pointed "good morning" from more than one person. It is a cultural expectation. Everyone who doesn't do it, is treated the same: like a rude boor.

have you lived in different cultures?
I have lived in several. And if i had done an equivalent culturally inappropriate thing, i would have a) wanted to know (so i would know not to do it in future) and b) want to apologise.

I agree.

Well yeah of course I have that’s the point.

Whether you’d want to know is a different issue, the discussion with pp whether you would know. People wouldn’t necessarily tell you, as generally people make allowances for foreigners.

Exactly. Do people believe that telling someone that they're overweight will actually be news to them? Do they think they're too stupid to know it can be unhealthy? That it's brand new information? Especially teens...who can be fixated on how they look.

All these comments on building 'resilience'. Good luck with that. 🍀

I wish people would give over with the "trying to be helpful" crap.

You'd have to be incredibly stupid or arrogant (or both!) to assume "clearly literally every other friend, family member and teacher in this girl's life somehow either hasn't realised she is overweight or doesn't care enough to tell her, and despite being 14 she hasn't realised herself either....but I, a near stranger who only met her half an hour ago and who has no idea of her physical or mental health, or what and how much she eats and exercises or anything else going on in her life....I am going to be the one to save her from a lifetime of ill health solely by making one offhand comment. Easy! Next stop I'll sort world peace by sending putin a quick text with a sad face emoji."

If she was really trying to help at the bare minimum she could have done something constructive like offered to take her to a sporting event over Christmas or recommended some recipes or a weight tracking app - still rude and inappropriate but at least could potentially be of some actual use - what on earth is just telling her "you should lose weight" going to magically achieve?

Lots of things are ‘true’ but general politeness and kindness precludes them from being said uninvited. Should it be completely acceptable to tell Aunt Mabel that she has got very hairy since menopause or young nephew very pleased with his first designer aftershave that he stinks?!

No? Then why should a 14 year old girl be obliged to accept smilingly any rudeness from a fairly random stranger.

In general as a culture - not everywhere clearly - we have started to reject the idea that random people should weigh in on your appearance, and rightly so IMO. One PP mentioned her Eastern European father commenting on her looking fat a week after her having a baby - that might be usual but I'm sorry is just wrong. People know what they look like and have their own feelings about it - who are these commenters (who often are not oil paintings themselves) to impose their opinion?

When I was 17, and highly sensitive about my weight (probably what we would now call orthorexic and very thin), a 70 year old male acquaintance who had not seen me in a year took it upon himself to tell me that I had 'put on weight in the body but not in the face, good good'. There was no need for him to tell me that, I was a size 8 max and did not need to lose anything. And given that I was weighing myself daily, I was aware of my approx 3 pound gain, and pretty devastated by the comment. I am really glad that my mum stood up for me and gave him what for about how inappropriate that was - THAT made it clear to me how unwarranted the comment was, and how I should disregard it - not her telling me to be resilient.

(Edited for autocorrect fail)

yup and that poster with the rude father also said she was upset by his comment. So much for different cultures!

Teaching Dd to respond at the moment and speaking up for herself is actually teaching her resilience.
She’s not going to learn that if she’s at her dad’s or the girlfriend is uninvited for saying ‘slimmer is healthier’. It’s over the top and very much cancel/ block/ no-contact culture which is not what healthy boundaries look like.

It's culturally rude to say that here, so even if she said it because it's culturally acceptable for her your DSS needs to tell her this and that she needs to apologise otherwise she isn't welcome because she just made a massive cultural faux pa that's caused great upset.

Not hiding behind cultural excuses. She was rude. She needs to apologise. DSS should accept and facilitate this.

The end.

Is it though? It's a fact related to her health.

It's rude.

It's someone she doesn't know well enough to be having conversations about health with yet.

If in future she gets close to her, then yes it may be acceptable as a topic of conversation.

At this stage, nope it's just rude.

Of course she’s Russian.

I’m half Russian, and half another equally blunt Slavic country. I toned myself down a lot when I lived in the UK to adapt to the different cultural norms, but I’m still considered very direct by the general British standards of
politesse.

It probably didn’t occur to her that this was in any way inappropriate to say, even thought it would be obvious to a British person. She does of course need to adapt socially, but that does take time and mistakes will inevitably be made along the way. It’s not actually an easy thing to do, and no one becomes adept at navigating the norms of a different culture overnight.

If she’s made aware that it’s caused great offense then she may very well want to apologize if given the opportunity to.

As far as your situation at home goes, it’s a difficult one as you and your husband hold completely different positions in support of your respective children. You can’t unilaterally stop him from inviting his son’s girlfriend to your home, and he can’t force you to welcome her.

DD's response is to go to her dad's if GF comes to dinner.

What does that acomplish? She's trying to hurt her mom because gf hurt her feelings by make a remark about her weight affecting her health. She's trying to keep gf and stepson away from a holiday dinner over a factual, blunt remark.

Her response doesn't address at all what the problem is and that is she's sensitive about her weight and she's mad gf said something. Her solution, to keep gf and ss away or she stays away, does absolutely nothing except start some resentment among the families here.

That's where you need to start. Address her weight honestly.

It would be similar if she was German, for example. But then the good people of MN wouldn't enjoy so many pages of bashing other cultures and parading cultural superiority 😂

This. As someone unfamiliar with the specific cultural context, she’s not just going to know it’s considered rude.

She almost certainly wants to know (I did, along with everyone I’ve known and know navigating the same minefield), but that doesn’t mean that she does.

We should send everyone to Japan. They’d make eye contact, speak too loudly, wouldn’t bow correctly, wouldn’t use the correct polite prefixes, they’d eat on the go, kiss in public… etc.

Absolutely 😁